So another Mother's Day has passed.
It's hard to be a mother without a mother. I never had a Mother's Day where I was both parent and child. I miss my mom. On Mother's Day I would cook for her. I would be with her. I miss that.
Yesterday kind of sucked.
Lotus woke up coughing and sneezing. I have my mother's superpower that I can touch a forehead and be within .2 of the fever.
I got frustrated with the pediatrician's office. I adore my pediatrician and it's a group and every doctor there has been amazing. But there's a few people in the office that aren't as nice. I touched Lotus' forehead and knew that she had a fever.
For Lotus, normal body temperature is 98.0. If she hits 99.5, she is sick. Don't tell me that it has to be 100.4 (which they did) because the doctor told me that temperature is an average and if Lotus hits 99.5 I should consider it a fever. I should not let her go to school. I should start Tylenol/Motrin if she goes over 99.5.
But they kept saying when she is below 100.4 it isn't a fever. I pushed and got her a sick appointment yesterday. When she got there (D took her since I had to tutor) her temp was 98.6. I though that the diagnosis was going to be "worried mom" but since the Dr. knew her and she wasn't acting herself, he took a strep test.
Bingo.
So then all the nice Mother's Day plans we kind of had went pfft.
I had a sad Lotus on my lap watching a lot of inane tv.
But I thought of all the Mother's Days before when I just wanted a kid.
And she rested her hot forehead against my cheek.
This is what I signed up for.
I rocked her and gave her medicine and candy to "get the taste out".
I held her trying to ignore the fact that I'm almost certainly going to get it.
This is part of the mothering stuff.
And Thank God for it.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Monday, May 14, 2018
Monday, April 23, 2018
My girl
A little about Lotus.
She's turning six soon.
She has her personality, her likes, her dislikes. She is proud of her Chinese heritage but she also knows that some people don't like it.
A few days ago she was asked where she was from, she told me she pointed at our house. (We're in sight from the school.) She said they wanted another answer and she wasn't sure about that.
My child has her butt firmly on smartass island.
Sometimes she laughs and covers her mouth. I don't know where she learned that and I've been working on breaking her of the behavior. Her smile is too pretty to be hidden.
She still sleeps on her own bed in our room. Generally she can go almost a week before climbing into our bed to snuggle up.
Speaking of which she just climbed onto my lap for snuggles. I love that she still does this.
She prefers TV over most other screen time. We're strict about devices and not as strict about TV. She loves My Little Pony.
Her hair is long and she loves me to style it differently. She has her own sense of style and it lovely.
When she walks into school it reminds me of Norm on Cheers. Everyone yells her name in greeting. She doesn't do drama. And she has enough moxie that she sometimes disobeys her teachers. I kind of like that, even if it isn't always easy.
She's kind and she doesn't like it when others aren't. She makes me smile and gives me hope for the future.
She's almost six.
Seven years ago around this time I had no idea that my waiting was coming to an end. Seven years ago I was in Infertility hell.
Six years ago I had redone my home study and paperwork in hope.
I don't forget how it was living with infertility. I still feel pangs when her friends moms are pregnant. I feel bigger pangs when she asks for a brother or sister.
I wish all who wanted to, could know the love of a little girl like mine. Or a little boy. Or twins. Or. Or. Or.
Just know you have an ally. You have someone in your corner.
Me.
And my daughter.
She's turning six soon.
She has her personality, her likes, her dislikes. She is proud of her Chinese heritage but she also knows that some people don't like it.
A few days ago she was asked where she was from, she told me she pointed at our house. (We're in sight from the school.) She said they wanted another answer and she wasn't sure about that.
My child has her butt firmly on smartass island.
Sometimes she laughs and covers her mouth. I don't know where she learned that and I've been working on breaking her of the behavior. Her smile is too pretty to be hidden.
She still sleeps on her own bed in our room. Generally she can go almost a week before climbing into our bed to snuggle up.
Speaking of which she just climbed onto my lap for snuggles. I love that she still does this.
She prefers TV over most other screen time. We're strict about devices and not as strict about TV. She loves My Little Pony.
Her hair is long and she loves me to style it differently. She has her own sense of style and it lovely.
When she walks into school it reminds me of Norm on Cheers. Everyone yells her name in greeting. She doesn't do drama. And she has enough moxie that she sometimes disobeys her teachers. I kind of like that, even if it isn't always easy.
She's kind and she doesn't like it when others aren't. She makes me smile and gives me hope for the future.
She's almost six.
Seven years ago around this time I had no idea that my waiting was coming to an end. Seven years ago I was in Infertility hell.
Six years ago I had redone my home study and paperwork in hope.
I don't forget how it was living with infertility. I still feel pangs when her friends moms are pregnant. I feel bigger pangs when she asks for a brother or sister.
I wish all who wanted to, could know the love of a little girl like mine. Or a little boy. Or twins. Or. Or. Or.
Just know you have an ally. You have someone in your corner.
Me.
And my daughter.
Monday, February 12, 2018
Valentines and Consent
Wednesday is Valentine's Day.
My five year old has diligently written out 25 Valentines to everyone in her class. She also wrote one for her teacher and her father and I.
She will likely receive 24 Valentines as is right in Kindergarten land.
But when does it stop being right?
Look at this school which tells all the girls (and the boys we assume, but it is unclear) that they have to say yes if asked to dance. They must dance with the person who asked them. This bothers me. Even in middle school if I had been asked to dance by some of my classmates, it would have been to somehow humiliate me on the dance floor. Should I have given the mean girls Valentines?
Are the kids still supposed to hand out Valentines to everyone? At what age do we just say, you do what you want. At what age do we tell them that yeah, Valentine's is kind of a crock. I mean if you're with someone who only tells you they love you on Valentine's day is that a good thing?
At the high school where D teaches, the kids have singing telegrams and carnations delivered, similar to my own high school experience. I remember well the Valentine's day when all of my friends had something and I had had nothing. I remember the Valentine's Day when I got a carnation from "your secret friend." To this day, I don't know who sent it, but it made my day.
As much as we want our children to be a part of things and to fit in sometimes they will be excluded. It's our job, as parents and people who help raise these kids to cushion the blow--not make it so the blow never lands.
As for us now, Valentine's Day means that I will make a yummy dinner. Then on the day after Valentine's Day my husband will get chocolate that is on sale.
That's love.
My five year old has diligently written out 25 Valentines to everyone in her class. She also wrote one for her teacher and her father and I.
She will likely receive 24 Valentines as is right in Kindergarten land.
But when does it stop being right?
Look at this school which tells all the girls (and the boys we assume, but it is unclear) that they have to say yes if asked to dance. They must dance with the person who asked them. This bothers me. Even in middle school if I had been asked to dance by some of my classmates, it would have been to somehow humiliate me on the dance floor. Should I have given the mean girls Valentines?
Are the kids still supposed to hand out Valentines to everyone? At what age do we just say, you do what you want. At what age do we tell them that yeah, Valentine's is kind of a crock. I mean if you're with someone who only tells you they love you on Valentine's day is that a good thing?
At the high school where D teaches, the kids have singing telegrams and carnations delivered, similar to my own high school experience. I remember well the Valentine's day when all of my friends had something and I had had nothing. I remember the Valentine's Day when I got a carnation from "your secret friend." To this day, I don't know who sent it, but it made my day.
As much as we want our children to be a part of things and to fit in sometimes they will be excluded. It's our job, as parents and people who help raise these kids to cushion the blow--not make it so the blow never lands.
As for us now, Valentine's Day means that I will make a yummy dinner. Then on the day after Valentine's Day my husband will get chocolate that is on sale.
That's love.
Monday, October 9, 2017
Parenting by Peopling - Microblog Monday
I asked my father a question this weekend. I asked him about the times I saw him send checks back--even when they were in his favor.
I asked him if he did it because it was right or because he knew I was watching. He looked at me as if trying to see if I was kidding or not and then he sighed. "Both." He said. "I did the right thing because it was right and because I knew you were watching. You're our third kid and by the time we got to you we knew that if we do something, good or bad, you'd see it and think about it. I wanted to try to be the person I wanted you to be."
I remember little things about my mom. I remembered a Valentine's day when I was in 9th grade. I had done my duty and given my valentines out and I didn't receive a one. Not one. I remember slamming in the house. I remember not telling my mom anything about the day. I remember slamming into my bedroom to be alone because that's all I would be. I sat sulking and probably crying on my bed. My mom knocked twice and then came into my room--it had been the devil to get her to knock at all! She told me she had to make brownies for something or other and asked if I wanted to help. I did the typical teenage shrug but I remembered eventually going down and making brownies with her. I didn't tell her about my day. She asked and I was monosyllabic. But it is hard to sulk when you're sharing just-baked brownies and milk.
Mom was gone when I thought about this and realized that she probably didn't need to bake brownies that day. I never thanked her for the gift of simple companionship.
Today Belle had no school and I had been scrambling to find out what to do with her. We went grocery shopping. We bought more halloween candy than we should have. But Belle read me things off the list--words like Banana and Milk. Other words she found when I made the sounds for it. We tasted yummy things and had a good time. I get what my father said now. I want to be the kind of person I want my daughter to turn into.
I asked him if he did it because it was right or because he knew I was watching. He looked at me as if trying to see if I was kidding or not and then he sighed. "Both." He said. "I did the right thing because it was right and because I knew you were watching. You're our third kid and by the time we got to you we knew that if we do something, good or bad, you'd see it and think about it. I wanted to try to be the person I wanted you to be."
I remember little things about my mom. I remembered a Valentine's day when I was in 9th grade. I had done my duty and given my valentines out and I didn't receive a one. Not one. I remember slamming in the house. I remember not telling my mom anything about the day. I remember slamming into my bedroom to be alone because that's all I would be. I sat sulking and probably crying on my bed. My mom knocked twice and then came into my room--it had been the devil to get her to knock at all! She told me she had to make brownies for something or other and asked if I wanted to help. I did the typical teenage shrug but I remembered eventually going down and making brownies with her. I didn't tell her about my day. She asked and I was monosyllabic. But it is hard to sulk when you're sharing just-baked brownies and milk.
Mom was gone when I thought about this and realized that she probably didn't need to bake brownies that day. I never thanked her for the gift of simple companionship.
Today Belle had no school and I had been scrambling to find out what to do with her. We went grocery shopping. We bought more halloween candy than we should have. But Belle read me things off the list--words like Banana and Milk. Other words she found when I made the sounds for it. We tasted yummy things and had a good time. I get what my father said now. I want to be the kind of person I want my daughter to turn into.
Monday, September 4, 2017
Microblog Monday - They go there
Lotus is sick.
I am sick.
D is not feeling well.
So we tried to get Lotus to bed without her usual routine. We wanted to go to sleep. We put her in her bed in our room and tried to sleep. Lotus started to cry that she couldn't sleep. She hadn't laid her head on the pillow for more than three minutes. She started to whine that she needed help and I brought her into our bed to cuddle. I rocked her and she kept saying how she needed help. She wanted hugs and I was short with her because I felt lousy.
I held her, checked for fever and she had none. I sang to her and she told me to stop. She hugged me tight.
And I remembered.
I remembered going to the orphanage where she spent the first 54 weeks of her life.
I remembered seeing the room full of cribs. We were pointed to the one she had slept in. Then we saw two cribs on the outside of the room. When we asked about the two cribs, our translator said that it was for the children for when they were "naughty or sick."
The immediate effect of this was that from that moment to now, Lotus has never slept in a room alone. We've been subtlety trying to move her. First she was in our bed. Then in her crib in our room. Then in her toddler bed in our room. Its slow going but it's worth the trip to make her feel confident.
As she was in my arms, I thought of my little Lotus as a baby. When she was sick she was taken away from all the other children and brought to be alone. I understand this--I do. If you are looking after a bunch of babies and one is sick you need to separate her or you have a roomful of sick babies. But it gave her lizard brain a lesson. If I'm sick I'm going to be separated from everyone else. Once she cuddled on me, I told her over and over that I loved her. I told her over and over that she was safe and no way would we leave her.
Now I'm kicking myself for not realizing what scared her. I hate the fact that she has that part of her brain that believes that we will leave her when she is sick. D, an adoptee, reminded me that they go there. A part of her will always go there. It's up to me to show her that we will love her with everything that we are for as long as we live.
I am sick.
D is not feeling well.
So we tried to get Lotus to bed without her usual routine. We wanted to go to sleep. We put her in her bed in our room and tried to sleep. Lotus started to cry that she couldn't sleep. She hadn't laid her head on the pillow for more than three minutes. She started to whine that she needed help and I brought her into our bed to cuddle. I rocked her and she kept saying how she needed help. She wanted hugs and I was short with her because I felt lousy.
I held her, checked for fever and she had none. I sang to her and she told me to stop. She hugged me tight.
And I remembered.
I remembered going to the orphanage where she spent the first 54 weeks of her life.
I remembered seeing the room full of cribs. We were pointed to the one she had slept in. Then we saw two cribs on the outside of the room. When we asked about the two cribs, our translator said that it was for the children for when they were "naughty or sick."
The immediate effect of this was that from that moment to now, Lotus has never slept in a room alone. We've been subtlety trying to move her. First she was in our bed. Then in her crib in our room. Then in her toddler bed in our room. Its slow going but it's worth the trip to make her feel confident.
As she was in my arms, I thought of my little Lotus as a baby. When she was sick she was taken away from all the other children and brought to be alone. I understand this--I do. If you are looking after a bunch of babies and one is sick you need to separate her or you have a roomful of sick babies. But it gave her lizard brain a lesson. If I'm sick I'm going to be separated from everyone else. Once she cuddled on me, I told her over and over that I loved her. I told her over and over that she was safe and no way would we leave her.
Now I'm kicking myself for not realizing what scared her. I hate the fact that she has that part of her brain that believes that we will leave her when she is sick. D, an adoptee, reminded me that they go there. A part of her will always go there. It's up to me to show her that we will love her with everything that we are for as long as we live.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Thursday Thirteen - Thirteen that I'm doing right
I tend to get down on myself for how I parent.
I'm like most women, thinking that I am constantly f**king this parenting deal up.
This weekend friends came to visit us. Friends with kids adopted from foster care. I was able to see what I was doing right and what I haven't been doing right. I decided to make this list about what I am doing right since I am so often thinking about what I am doing wrong.
What I am doing right is right for myself, D, and Lotus. I do not presume that what has worked for us would work for anything else. Also this is right now when Lotus is five--when she turns six she might throw all of this out.
1) Consistency
If I say, "Lotus if you do that thing one more time--Plan B is what will happen." Plan B is what will happen and Lotus knows this. Is this 100%? No. Is it better than 90%? Yes. I watched our friends threaten their two year old with everything under the sun and he would just smile and continue on his merry way.
2) Time In
I can't take too much credit for this. Two of the adoptive parenting books talked about it and when I put Lotus in Time Out she wigged. Not just the crying but a total freak out. When I put her in time in--which mean I held her close and immobile as a toddler, she'd fight but after the two minutes she'd calm down and let me in.
3) Listening to what she isn't saying
"Some of the kids were bad at school."
"Really? What did they do?"
I know by her tone whether she is talking about herself or whether she is really talking about the other kids and I react accordingly.
4) What happened at school stays there.
I hope I will be able to continue this when she starts Kindergarten but for now, if she misbehaved at school (rare though that was) whatever punishment was met out at school was sufficient. I want her to feel comfortable telling me about things that happen when I am not there. If I punish her for her misdeeds--that the teachers have already addressed--she won't talk to me.
5) Intervening when she can't.
When she came home and asked what was wrong with her eyes, I thought she might need glasses. Then she told me that a kid at school had been making fun of her eyes. When I took her to school the next day I was mama bear.
6) Intervening when she won't.
A teacher started to call Lotus a little pet name "Little Lotus" and she didn't like it. She told me she wanted it to stop. I told the teacher, and it stopped. I didn't ask her why. It didn't matter. She didn't like it and that was it.
7) "Stop"
A friend told us that we used this like a safe word for our preschooler. I don't like the sexual connotations of that. We are teaching Lotus that when she says stop, people will stop. If they don't, we will intervene and make it stop. When the friends were here, we heard Lotus' stop loud and clear and ran to intervene when she said it a second time.
8) Answering questions honestly.
From the funny and easy, "What's an asshole? Why do so many of them drive?"
To the heartbreaking, "Did China Mommy leave me to be found because I was bad." I answer them with as much honesty as I can. Lotus' memory is incredible and I don't want to be caught in a lie--even a small one.
9) Daddy is co-parent, not the enforcer.
Self-explanatory.
10) Accompanying her to the bathroom when she "wants company."
Also self explanatory.
11) No Tech Table
One of our most hard and fast rules. No phone or tv or screen when we eat at the table as a family. Sometimes we have to take a call (illness), but we explain that is an exception.
12) Co-sleeping.
I credit our amazing pediatrician for this. When we brought her home she slept between us. As she grew older I was worried that we would be told to stop this. Our pediatrician, born in Taiwan, said that she and most of the kids she knew in kindergarten (the equivalent) slept in a family bed.
"I slept in my parents bed until I was 7 years old." She told me. "How my siblings happened--one who is 4 years younger than I and the other who is 6 years younger than I--that's not something I like to think about." It put me at ease.
Now it is about 50/50 whether she will spend all night in her bed or climb between us at night but it works for us. Your milage may vary.
13) Reading
Our house is full of books and about a third of them are hers. We read all the time.
What are you doing right?
I'm like most women, thinking that I am constantly f**king this parenting deal up.
This weekend friends came to visit us. Friends with kids adopted from foster care. I was able to see what I was doing right and what I haven't been doing right. I decided to make this list about what I am doing right since I am so often thinking about what I am doing wrong.
What I am doing right is right for myself, D, and Lotus. I do not presume that what has worked for us would work for anything else. Also this is right now when Lotus is five--when she turns six she might throw all of this out.
1) Consistency
If I say, "Lotus if you do that thing one more time--Plan B is what will happen." Plan B is what will happen and Lotus knows this. Is this 100%? No. Is it better than 90%? Yes. I watched our friends threaten their two year old with everything under the sun and he would just smile and continue on his merry way.
2) Time In
I can't take too much credit for this. Two of the adoptive parenting books talked about it and when I put Lotus in Time Out she wigged. Not just the crying but a total freak out. When I put her in time in--which mean I held her close and immobile as a toddler, she'd fight but after the two minutes she'd calm down and let me in.
3) Listening to what she isn't saying
"Some of the kids were bad at school."
"Really? What did they do?"
I know by her tone whether she is talking about herself or whether she is really talking about the other kids and I react accordingly.
4) What happened at school stays there.
I hope I will be able to continue this when she starts Kindergarten but for now, if she misbehaved at school (rare though that was) whatever punishment was met out at school was sufficient. I want her to feel comfortable telling me about things that happen when I am not there. If I punish her for her misdeeds--that the teachers have already addressed--she won't talk to me.
5) Intervening when she can't.
When she came home and asked what was wrong with her eyes, I thought she might need glasses. Then she told me that a kid at school had been making fun of her eyes. When I took her to school the next day I was mama bear.
6) Intervening when she won't.
A teacher started to call Lotus a little pet name "Little Lotus" and she didn't like it. She told me she wanted it to stop. I told the teacher, and it stopped. I didn't ask her why. It didn't matter. She didn't like it and that was it.
7) "Stop"
A friend told us that we used this like a safe word for our preschooler. I don't like the sexual connotations of that. We are teaching Lotus that when she says stop, people will stop. If they don't, we will intervene and make it stop. When the friends were here, we heard Lotus' stop loud and clear and ran to intervene when she said it a second time.
8) Answering questions honestly.
From the funny and easy, "What's an asshole? Why do so many of them drive?"
To the heartbreaking, "Did China Mommy leave me to be found because I was bad." I answer them with as much honesty as I can. Lotus' memory is incredible and I don't want to be caught in a lie--even a small one.
9) Daddy is co-parent, not the enforcer.
Self-explanatory.
10) Accompanying her to the bathroom when she "wants company."
Also self explanatory.
11) No Tech Table
One of our most hard and fast rules. No phone or tv or screen when we eat at the table as a family. Sometimes we have to take a call (illness), but we explain that is an exception.
12) Co-sleeping.
I credit our amazing pediatrician for this. When we brought her home she slept between us. As she grew older I was worried that we would be told to stop this. Our pediatrician, born in Taiwan, said that she and most of the kids she knew in kindergarten (the equivalent) slept in a family bed.
"I slept in my parents bed until I was 7 years old." She told me. "How my siblings happened--one who is 4 years younger than I and the other who is 6 years younger than I--that's not something I like to think about." It put me at ease.
Now it is about 50/50 whether she will spend all night in her bed or climb between us at night but it works for us. Your milage may vary.
13) Reading
Our house is full of books and about a third of them are hers. We read all the time.
What are you doing right?
Monday, May 29, 2017
Microblog Monday - The Unasked Question
Lotus is 5 now.
I'm calling this stage the question stage.
"Why are skunks stinky? Why is poopy brown? Why is it raining? Why is the sun shining? Why did that Octonaught do something?"
I love the curious mind behind the questions.
I wish she would actually listen to my answers instead of repeating the question again and again and again.
But there is one question that has not been asked.
"Why was I left to be found?'
We talk about her adoption often if not daily.
"Why do I have brown eyes?"
"Because China Mommy has brown eyes."
"Can we go visit China Mommy?"
"We don't really know who she is."
"Google her."
We talk about how she lived in the orphanage and how the Aya took care of her. We talk about Aya and how she smelled and tasted. How it is okay to miss her Aya and I'm not mad that she does. We've talked about D's biological mommy and how Grandmom adopted D just like we adopted her.
She asked me once if Daddy was mad at China mommy. Then she rephrased her question to mean his biological mommy. I said she should ask Daddy. She gave me a look and repeated the question. I said that yes, sometimes Daddy is angry at his bio mommy. Her sigh of relief was huge. I asked if she was mad at China mommy.
She gave me one of those looks--the one that makes me wonder if there could possibly be a seventy year old woman gazing out of my child's eyes. Then she nodded. I told her it's okay to be angry. Then she asked me, "Is China mommy mad at me?"
I said no. Then I braced for it. "Why did she leave me?" And it never came.
It will. I know it will. Then I will have to talk about a cultural preference for girls. I will have to explain about the one-child policy. I will have to state my own ignorance.
But until then, I'm happy and exasperated to answer the other myriad of questions she has. Like a few days ago she asked, "Mommy, what's an asshole and how come so many of them drive?"
I'm calling this stage the question stage.
"Why are skunks stinky? Why is poopy brown? Why is it raining? Why is the sun shining? Why did that Octonaught do something?"
I love the curious mind behind the questions.
I wish she would actually listen to my answers instead of repeating the question again and again and again.
But there is one question that has not been asked.
"Why was I left to be found?'
We talk about her adoption often if not daily.
"Why do I have brown eyes?"
"Because China Mommy has brown eyes."
"Can we go visit China Mommy?"
"We don't really know who she is."
"Google her."
We talk about how she lived in the orphanage and how the Aya took care of her. We talk about Aya and how she smelled and tasted. How it is okay to miss her Aya and I'm not mad that she does. We've talked about D's biological mommy and how Grandmom adopted D just like we adopted her.
She asked me once if Daddy was mad at China mommy. Then she rephrased her question to mean his biological mommy. I said she should ask Daddy. She gave me a look and repeated the question. I said that yes, sometimes Daddy is angry at his bio mommy. Her sigh of relief was huge. I asked if she was mad at China mommy.
She gave me one of those looks--the one that makes me wonder if there could possibly be a seventy year old woman gazing out of my child's eyes. Then she nodded. I told her it's okay to be angry. Then she asked me, "Is China mommy mad at me?"
I said no. Then I braced for it. "Why did she leave me?" And it never came.
It will. I know it will. Then I will have to talk about a cultural preference for girls. I will have to explain about the one-child policy. I will have to state my own ignorance.
But until then, I'm happy and exasperated to answer the other myriad of questions she has. Like a few days ago she asked, "Mommy, what's an asshole and how come so many of them drive?"
Monday, May 22, 2017
Microblog Monday - Bravery
So, on Friday, which happened to be the fourth anniversary of meeting Lotus for the first time, it was time for Lotus' Kindergarten Orientation.
She was nervous. Heck with her, I was nervous.
Her questions were simple--would the teachers be nice? Would the other kids be nice?
Mine were not so simple.
Would there be other Asians in her class?
Would she be bullied?
Would she bully?
Would school take her love of learning and make it horrible?
Would she be safe?
These are just the top five--I have so many more questions as I'm watching my baby turn into my child.
So together we walked to school and sat with other parents and their kids. I started to make some introductions but Lotus had a death grip on my hand and so we talked and looked around. I looked at the folder with the agenda for the afternoon and it had that the kids would go to the kindergarten room and the principal and others would talk to the parents. I started explaining this to Lotus and her eyes started to fill with tears. I hugged her and she quieted as the orientation began.
First off a bunch of the current kindergarten class came out and sang songs. Yay. Lotus loves to sing and dance. They sang 4 and she knew all but 1 and the one she didn't know looked like fun. Then the teacher asked that the kindergarteners-to-be line up. Lotus hugged me.
"You're not going home?"
"Not without you." She thought about it and rested her head on me for a little. She watched other kids go on the line.
A few other kids were having fits. The one on the chair next to us was not leaving her mom. Lotus went over to her and said "want to go together?" The response from the other child was decidedly negative. Lotus came back, gave me a hug and stood on the line with the other kids. Her chin was quivering, just a little, but she met my eyes and smiled at me. As they walked out she waved at me and I waved back. Then, as she had done four years before, she lifted her head and looked into what comes next. Someone said something to her so my last image of her at that moment was walking away, head held high, with a little smile.
I didn't hear the first part of the discussion because I was musing about how brave my little girl is. How she walked into what came next with a smile on her face. I thought of the smiles we got shortly after we met her, when she was playing cute. I remember how breathtaking it was when we saw her real smile--the one with her dimple--four days later. I thought of how the journey from baby to child never takes as long as you think it will.
I thought of the song I first sung to her. You'll Be in my Heart from Tarzan. More specifically the second verse.
"For one so small, you seem so strong.
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm.
This bond between us, can't be broken.
I will be here, don't you cry."
I lifted my head. Smiled. Then I listened to the rules that I, as a kindergarten parent would be expected to follow. I added a few. Be brave. Smile. Walk into the future with head held high.
She was nervous. Heck with her, I was nervous.
Her questions were simple--would the teachers be nice? Would the other kids be nice?
Mine were not so simple.
Would there be other Asians in her class?
Would she be bullied?
Would she bully?
Would school take her love of learning and make it horrible?
Would she be safe?
These are just the top five--I have so many more questions as I'm watching my baby turn into my child.
So together we walked to school and sat with other parents and their kids. I started to make some introductions but Lotus had a death grip on my hand and so we talked and looked around. I looked at the folder with the agenda for the afternoon and it had that the kids would go to the kindergarten room and the principal and others would talk to the parents. I started explaining this to Lotus and her eyes started to fill with tears. I hugged her and she quieted as the orientation began.
First off a bunch of the current kindergarten class came out and sang songs. Yay. Lotus loves to sing and dance. They sang 4 and she knew all but 1 and the one she didn't know looked like fun. Then the teacher asked that the kindergarteners-to-be line up. Lotus hugged me.
"You're not going home?"
"Not without you." She thought about it and rested her head on me for a little. She watched other kids go on the line.
A few other kids were having fits. The one on the chair next to us was not leaving her mom. Lotus went over to her and said "want to go together?" The response from the other child was decidedly negative. Lotus came back, gave me a hug and stood on the line with the other kids. Her chin was quivering, just a little, but she met my eyes and smiled at me. As they walked out she waved at me and I waved back. Then, as she had done four years before, she lifted her head and looked into what comes next. Someone said something to her so my last image of her at that moment was walking away, head held high, with a little smile.
I didn't hear the first part of the discussion because I was musing about how brave my little girl is. How she walked into what came next with a smile on her face. I thought of the smiles we got shortly after we met her, when she was playing cute. I remember how breathtaking it was when we saw her real smile--the one with her dimple--four days later. I thought of how the journey from baby to child never takes as long as you think it will.
I thought of the song I first sung to her. You'll Be in my Heart from Tarzan. More specifically the second verse.
"For one so small, you seem so strong.
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm.
This bond between us, can't be broken.
I will be here, don't you cry."
I lifted my head. Smiled. Then I listened to the rules that I, as a kindergarten parent would be expected to follow. I added a few. Be brave. Smile. Walk into the future with head held high.
Monday, March 13, 2017
Microblog Monday - Loving My Neighbor
Growing up, our next door neighbors were our dearest friends. I called them Aunt K and Uncle B. If my mother wasn't home when I got off the bus from school I went next door and played in their basement. Uncle B. taught me how to hammer a nail--including how to swear if I missed and hit my thumb. I was told that the words "Shit! Goddamnit! Shit!" in that order was the only way to respond when I missed the nail and hit my fingers. That being said--those words were only for that occasion. I believed that until I got to middle school.
Our neighbors were Catholic and we were Jewish. Every Christmas morning for years we went over there for breakfast where Santa had dropped a bunch of gifts under their tree. Because my parents were on vacation out of the country, Aunt K and Uncle B knew that I became engaged to D before my parents did. I grieved when Uncle B passed away and I still stay in touch with Aunt K.
Because we had such wonderful neighbors I learned how to be a good neighbor. Our across the street neighbors (our house was at the end of a street) were not as wonderful. They loved leaving their car right behind ours even though multiple cars could and did fit into their driveway. They were snobs and told my mother to "watch out for the silver" when I invited my multi-racial group of friends over. But they were our neighbors. Many was the time I would come home and mom had made chicken soup. On the kitchen table was one or two extra containers filled with my mom's chicken soup. She'd tell me to take them next door or across the street because they were sick. If there was death it was a macaroni casserole with our name in masking tape at the bottom of the Corningware pan. This was reciprocated. When I was sixteen, I vented to Aunt K about my crush and how he didn't know I existed and on and on and on. After giving me a wonderful and nonjudgmental ear, I came home on a very cold day to see a pint of Haagen Daaz chocolate chocolate chip ice cream on our front stoop. "In case of heartbreak," the note read. "open pint. Take spoon. Ingest."
I am lucky that the streak has continued. We have wonderful neighbors. Our next door neighbors teach Lotus about flowers and plan to teach her about gardening. Across the street comes over with their snowblower--often--to dig us out. We say thanks with chocolate chip cookies and brownies.
Love your neighbor is at the center of just about every religion. Help your neighbor.Take care of each other. This is why the Republican Health Don'tCare plan astounds me.
Republicans are supposed to be moral. Where is the morality of telling people that if you aren't white you don't deserve health care? Where is the morality of taking health care from people who need it most. Republicans are churchgoers far more then Democrats. Were they absent when they taught that page from the Bible?
Health insurance is moral to me. If I am healthy I want the money I pay into insurance to go to help someone who is sick or who, God forbid, has a sick child. If you want health insurance to only cover you, and not your neighbor you have no right to call yourself a good person--regardless of religious denomination. One man asked why men need to be paying for pre-natal care. Was he immaculately conceived? Isn't it a good thing as a nation to have a healthy populace?
I will be calling my congressman and senators and explaining that I want my neighbors healthy. I want my family healthy and I will work like hell to unseat anyone who votes for this bill. I hope all the Americans reading this.
That being said--what are other neighborly things that you like to do?
Our neighbors were Catholic and we were Jewish. Every Christmas morning for years we went over there for breakfast where Santa had dropped a bunch of gifts under their tree. Because my parents were on vacation out of the country, Aunt K and Uncle B knew that I became engaged to D before my parents did. I grieved when Uncle B passed away and I still stay in touch with Aunt K.
Because we had such wonderful neighbors I learned how to be a good neighbor. Our across the street neighbors (our house was at the end of a street) were not as wonderful. They loved leaving their car right behind ours even though multiple cars could and did fit into their driveway. They were snobs and told my mother to "watch out for the silver" when I invited my multi-racial group of friends over. But they were our neighbors. Many was the time I would come home and mom had made chicken soup. On the kitchen table was one or two extra containers filled with my mom's chicken soup. She'd tell me to take them next door or across the street because they were sick. If there was death it was a macaroni casserole with our name in masking tape at the bottom of the Corningware pan. This was reciprocated. When I was sixteen, I vented to Aunt K about my crush and how he didn't know I existed and on and on and on. After giving me a wonderful and nonjudgmental ear, I came home on a very cold day to see a pint of Haagen Daaz chocolate chocolate chip ice cream on our front stoop. "In case of heartbreak," the note read. "open pint. Take spoon. Ingest."
I am lucky that the streak has continued. We have wonderful neighbors. Our next door neighbors teach Lotus about flowers and plan to teach her about gardening. Across the street comes over with their snowblower--often--to dig us out. We say thanks with chocolate chip cookies and brownies.
Love your neighbor is at the center of just about every religion. Help your neighbor.Take care of each other. This is why the Republican Health Don'tCare plan astounds me.
Republicans are supposed to be moral. Where is the morality of telling people that if you aren't white you don't deserve health care? Where is the morality of taking health care from people who need it most. Republicans are churchgoers far more then Democrats. Were they absent when they taught that page from the Bible?
Health insurance is moral to me. If I am healthy I want the money I pay into insurance to go to help someone who is sick or who, God forbid, has a sick child. If you want health insurance to only cover you, and not your neighbor you have no right to call yourself a good person--regardless of religious denomination. One man asked why men need to be paying for pre-natal care. Was he immaculately conceived? Isn't it a good thing as a nation to have a healthy populace?
I will be calling my congressman and senators and explaining that I want my neighbors healthy. I want my family healthy and I will work like hell to unseat anyone who votes for this bill. I hope all the Americans reading this.
That being said--what are other neighborly things that you like to do?
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Doc McStuffins Is More Than Just a Children's Show
Dear Disney,
We love you.
By we, I mean my beautiful little girl, Lotus, and to a lesser extent--me.
My love is the love of nostalgia. I remember sitting in a movie theater, my hands greasy with popcorn, watching Mary Poppins with my grandmother. I was so excited that I recognized her voice as Maria from The Sound Of Music (which I had seen on TV a few days before) I spilled the popcorn on Grandma. She was so excited, she went to get me more. I remember watching The Rescuers with my brother. He had been complaining that he had to babysit and take me to a "baby" movie. By the end of the movie, he was planning to return with his friend. That was Disney magic for me.
My daughter is one of the many who watch Frozen at least once a week. More than Frozen is her obsession (and, as a Trekkie I don't use that word lightly) with your show PJ Masks. The day is not complete unless she can watch one of those episodes and ask the myriad four-year-old questions that come to her mind. She also loves The Lion Guard and, of course, Doc McStuffins.
Through my daughter's love of PJ Masks I watch how important representation is. You see my daughter is Asian, as is Owlette--her favorite PJ Mask. Representation changes "I love that superhero!" to "I could be that superhero!"
Now I hear that you are considering taking that representation away from millions of African-American children. Why would you do this? From everything I've read the show has a massive following and good ratings. It has won the NAACP Award and the Peabody award for excellence. It is not played out. Moreover it started the most amazing adoption storyline. One that again spells representation for many who are not represented.
Let me end with what happened on Christmas. Santa gave our daughter a beautiful "Frozen" doll kit. In two seconds she was playing with it. In two minutes Anna's arm broke off. The next day we went to the Disney store at the mall to see about getting it fixed or replaced. The absolutely amazing cast member examined the doll and then knelt down to talk to my daughter.
"Sweetie, this is a bit beyond me."She told my daughter. "But don't worry, We're going to send Anna to Doc McStuffins and she'll send her right back to you as soon as she can."
"Will she need the surgery?" Lotus asked. Tears were filling her little eyes. She had seen the episode where the toy required overnight surgery with the doc.
"I don't know," the lady said. "that's up to Doc."
"Will Doc hold her other hand?"
"I think Hallie usually does that when the doc is busy." Was the response. Lotus considered it and nodded.
"Thank you!" I said to the cast member.
"Don't thank me." She said with feeling. "Thank Doc McStuffins." Then she took my information and two weeks later we had a brand new Anna doll. For months whenever Doc McStuffins was on, Lotus would get Anna and watch with her. Why on earth would you take that away from the employees of your stores?
Please consider this my request to renew Doc McStuffins.
We love you.
By we, I mean my beautiful little girl, Lotus, and to a lesser extent--me.
My love is the love of nostalgia. I remember sitting in a movie theater, my hands greasy with popcorn, watching Mary Poppins with my grandmother. I was so excited that I recognized her voice as Maria from The Sound Of Music (which I had seen on TV a few days before) I spilled the popcorn on Grandma. She was so excited, she went to get me more. I remember watching The Rescuers with my brother. He had been complaining that he had to babysit and take me to a "baby" movie. By the end of the movie, he was planning to return with his friend. That was Disney magic for me.
My daughter is one of the many who watch Frozen at least once a week. More than Frozen is her obsession (and, as a Trekkie I don't use that word lightly) with your show PJ Masks. The day is not complete unless she can watch one of those episodes and ask the myriad four-year-old questions that come to her mind. She also loves The Lion Guard and, of course, Doc McStuffins.
Through my daughter's love of PJ Masks I watch how important representation is. You see my daughter is Asian, as is Owlette--her favorite PJ Mask. Representation changes "I love that superhero!" to "I could be that superhero!"
Now I hear that you are considering taking that representation away from millions of African-American children. Why would you do this? From everything I've read the show has a massive following and good ratings. It has won the NAACP Award and the Peabody award for excellence. It is not played out. Moreover it started the most amazing adoption storyline. One that again spells representation for many who are not represented.
Let me end with what happened on Christmas. Santa gave our daughter a beautiful "Frozen" doll kit. In two seconds she was playing with it. In two minutes Anna's arm broke off. The next day we went to the Disney store at the mall to see about getting it fixed or replaced. The absolutely amazing cast member examined the doll and then knelt down to talk to my daughter.
"Sweetie, this is a bit beyond me."She told my daughter. "But don't worry, We're going to send Anna to Doc McStuffins and she'll send her right back to you as soon as she can."
"Will she need the surgery?" Lotus asked. Tears were filling her little eyes. She had seen the episode where the toy required overnight surgery with the doc.
"I don't know," the lady said. "that's up to Doc."
"Will Doc hold her other hand?"
"I think Hallie usually does that when the doc is busy." Was the response. Lotus considered it and nodded.
"Thank you!" I said to the cast member.
"Don't thank me." She said with feeling. "Thank Doc McStuffins." Then she took my information and two weeks later we had a brand new Anna doll. For months whenever Doc McStuffins was on, Lotus would get Anna and watch with her. Why on earth would you take that away from the employees of your stores?
Please consider this my request to renew Doc McStuffins.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Anxious
Hi,
Happy New Year.
I still get to say it if it is still January, right? Right?
I've been having issues with anxiety.
Big ones.
My contract job is over in April. How will we make it if I don't get hired? Do I really want to get hired? I mean, I do, but I do like the freedom of contract work.
I did nanowrimo and then like an idiot I didn't back up. I lost all 10K words I did in Nanowrimo. I've been backing up obsessively but I have been finding all kinds of excuses not to. Am I scared to finish and see what I can do? Yes. Yes, I am. How do I work through the fear?
I have trouble letting go of my child at daycare. I have trouble letting go of my child at all. What if she falls, hits her head, and dies. What if a deranged shooter goes into her daycare? She's so little. She's such a big girl. She can climb and run. What if she runs too far?
It snowed here.
A lot.
We played in the snow, but she couldn't make a snowman--because the snow was over her head. I felt bad but she was having fun making snow angels.
I've been tending to overthink things.
I get hugs when I get home. So many that Lotus is practically plastered to me. I love this. I've had days at work this week where I nearly just left. I came home and Lotus hugged me and gave me lots of kisses. I'm thinking why is she doing this? I even ask her, and she says "Because I love you, and because you're sad."
I hugged her. Tight.
Lotus has also hit the threenager phase. And the least little request can trigger a "You Don't Understand MEEEEE Meltdown." Like yesterday. She was doing the potty dance. I told her to go to the bathroom. By the way she reacted you would have thought I suggested that she clean the toilet with her tongue. NOOOO!!! I Don't WANNA! I got tired of it and didn't really want to clean up after it was too late. I picked her up, pulled her panties down and put her on the toilet. She was screaming and then did what needed to be done. She stopped crying and said "Oh, Maybe I did need to pee pee." Then I spent the next three hours wondering if I did the right thing.
I've been talking to my husband about the anxiety. I've been talking to my therapist about the anxiety. Now I'm talking to the blog.
I will be trying to be better.
Then I'll try to write more.
And we'll see what 2016 has to do.
Happy New Year.
I still get to say it if it is still January, right? Right?
I've been having issues with anxiety.
Big ones.
My contract job is over in April. How will we make it if I don't get hired? Do I really want to get hired? I mean, I do, but I do like the freedom of contract work.
I did nanowrimo and then like an idiot I didn't back up. I lost all 10K words I did in Nanowrimo. I've been backing up obsessively but I have been finding all kinds of excuses not to. Am I scared to finish and see what I can do? Yes. Yes, I am. How do I work through the fear?
I have trouble letting go of my child at daycare. I have trouble letting go of my child at all. What if she falls, hits her head, and dies. What if a deranged shooter goes into her daycare? She's so little. She's such a big girl. She can climb and run. What if she runs too far?
It snowed here.
A lot.
We played in the snow, but she couldn't make a snowman--because the snow was over her head. I felt bad but she was having fun making snow angels.
I've been tending to overthink things.
I get hugs when I get home. So many that Lotus is practically plastered to me. I love this. I've had days at work this week where I nearly just left. I came home and Lotus hugged me and gave me lots of kisses. I'm thinking why is she doing this? I even ask her, and she says "Because I love you, and because you're sad."
I hugged her. Tight.
Lotus has also hit the threenager phase. And the least little request can trigger a "You Don't Understand MEEEEE Meltdown." Like yesterday. She was doing the potty dance. I told her to go to the bathroom. By the way she reacted you would have thought I suggested that she clean the toilet with her tongue. NOOOO!!! I Don't WANNA! I got tired of it and didn't really want to clean up after it was too late. I picked her up, pulled her panties down and put her on the toilet. She was screaming and then did what needed to be done. She stopped crying and said "Oh, Maybe I did need to pee pee." Then I spent the next three hours wondering if I did the right thing.
I've been talking to my husband about the anxiety. I've been talking to my therapist about the anxiety. Now I'm talking to the blog.
I will be trying to be better.
Then I'll try to write more.
And we'll see what 2016 has to do.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Sitting on my kid
I think one of the biggest disconnects between people who are parents and people who aren't is the babysitter.
Prior to Lotus whenever I saw a kid in a place the child shouldn't* be the thought ran through my head. "Why on earth can't they get a sitter?"
Now that I am a parent--whoo boy. Getting a sitter is hard as hell.
First, there is Lotus' objection to being left with people she doesn't know. Once upon a time her mother did that and didn't come back so she is understandably worried.
Second, The cost.
When I was a babysitter I had a formative experience. One of my families (and the one I was a usual sitter for) paid me minimum wage when others paid me far less. The family stated that they believed that watching their kid was important and they should pay at least minimum wage for it. That means it is $15 per hour--which is expensive.
Third, finding someone I like and Lotus likes.
That's been the issue.
I haven't found that person. I don't really know how to look for her/him. I know I need to.
Fourth. The part of me that doesn't want to.
I am lucky as hell. I enjoy my kid. I work full-time now and don't see Lotus until I get home. I love playing with her, cooking with her, just being with her. She is fun to be around. There isn't a whole lot I want to do without her.
For those who read--how have you managed the babysitter question?
*By shouldn't be I mean the following (Please note this is for toddlers and younger as I have a three year old)
Movies with an R rating are not the place for Toddlers or below. I remember leaving the movie Matrix 2 because someone brought their infant and toddlers who were screaming and likely scared as hell.
Restaurants where there is a tasting menu that costs three figures or more. I do not mean diners and family restaurants. Kids are, and should always be welcome there. Even places like Union Square Cafe or like establishments are fine if you know your kid and the kid likes things. But places like Per Se? Why would you spend that much?
Prior to Lotus whenever I saw a kid in a place the child shouldn't* be the thought ran through my head. "Why on earth can't they get a sitter?"
Now that I am a parent--whoo boy. Getting a sitter is hard as hell.
First, there is Lotus' objection to being left with people she doesn't know. Once upon a time her mother did that and didn't come back so she is understandably worried.
Second, The cost.
When I was a babysitter I had a formative experience. One of my families (and the one I was a usual sitter for) paid me minimum wage when others paid me far less. The family stated that they believed that watching their kid was important and they should pay at least minimum wage for it. That means it is $15 per hour--which is expensive.
Third, finding someone I like and Lotus likes.
That's been the issue.
I haven't found that person. I don't really know how to look for her/him. I know I need to.
Fourth. The part of me that doesn't want to.
I am lucky as hell. I enjoy my kid. I work full-time now and don't see Lotus until I get home. I love playing with her, cooking with her, just being with her. She is fun to be around. There isn't a whole lot I want to do without her.
For those who read--how have you managed the babysitter question?
*By shouldn't be I mean the following (Please note this is for toddlers and younger as I have a three year old)
Movies with an R rating are not the place for Toddlers or below. I remember leaving the movie Matrix 2 because someone brought their infant and toddlers who were screaming and likely scared as hell.
Restaurants where there is a tasting menu that costs three figures or more. I do not mean diners and family restaurants. Kids are, and should always be welcome there. Even places like Union Square Cafe or like establishments are fine if you know your kid and the kid likes things. But places like Per Se? Why would you spend that much?
Monday, November 2, 2015
Microblog Mondays - Trust
Halloween was wonderful.
Lotus got so much candy in her candy pumpkin that she needed D to hold it for her.
She had a great time,
She got a bit miffed when we explained that she was not allowed to eat all of her candy all at once, but there was no tantrum. She's been very generous--sharing her candy and not getting upset when we help ourselves to some of the goodies. (She got Hot Tamales! I haven't even SEEN those in years!!!!)
So we're happy.
It makes me think of the Jimmy Kimmel challenge where people film themselves saying that they ate all of their kids halloween candy and watch the kids melt down. Everyone seems to think that this is funny as hell. I think that it is disgusting.
Maybe it is because Lotus is adopted and I am very conscious of building trust with her. I want her to be able to trust me when I say I will do something. I want her to trust me when I tell her not to do something. I think this is such a violation of the trust between a parent and a child.
These kids are going to watch themselves on Youtube later on. They aren't going to laugh. They are going to remember that their mom and dad violated their trust and taped that break for everyone to see.
We ask our kids to trust us, but the flip side of that is that we must be trustworthy. I remember very clearly a time when my mother broke my trust and it took a long time to get it back. I wonder how long it will be for these children to trust their parents again.
Lotus got so much candy in her candy pumpkin that she needed D to hold it for her.
She had a great time,
She got a bit miffed when we explained that she was not allowed to eat all of her candy all at once, but there was no tantrum. She's been very generous--sharing her candy and not getting upset when we help ourselves to some of the goodies. (She got Hot Tamales! I haven't even SEEN those in years!!!!)
So we're happy.
It makes me think of the Jimmy Kimmel challenge where people film themselves saying that they ate all of their kids halloween candy and watch the kids melt down. Everyone seems to think that this is funny as hell. I think that it is disgusting.
Maybe it is because Lotus is adopted and I am very conscious of building trust with her. I want her to be able to trust me when I say I will do something. I want her to trust me when I tell her not to do something. I think this is such a violation of the trust between a parent and a child.
These kids are going to watch themselves on Youtube later on. They aren't going to laugh. They are going to remember that their mom and dad violated their trust and taped that break for everyone to see.
We ask our kids to trust us, but the flip side of that is that we must be trustworthy. I remember very clearly a time when my mother broke my trust and it took a long time to get it back. I wonder how long it will be for these children to trust their parents again.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
The hairs of my chinny chin chin
Growing older is not fun.
Parenting a small child while in your early forties is an adventure.
Lotus has entered the "but why" phase of toddlerhood. Everything is met with the phrase "but why?"
She has also decided that my chin has endless fascination for her.
This isn't new. From when we met her, when I would rock her or hold her on my lap I would notice a little hand groping my chin and holding on.
I thought "Awwwww, how cute." Then I really didn't think of it.
Lately, however, Lotus has been saying "I want to touch your chin." whenever she is upset, or feeling insecure. She just started preschool and is 90% through with potty training (WHY can't she poop on the potty?? WHY???) So she's feeling insecure...enough.
I should note here, that as I am in my early forties, my body is moving quickly towards menopause. That includes, hmmm how to put this, more hair on my chin.
I have the "little mustache" that my grandmother had. I have hairs coming through on my chin. I pluck and they return. I wax sometimes, and I ignore it other times.
One day though I was plucking hairs on my chin and Lotus saw me and was horrified. WHY was I doing that.
"Mommy has hairs on her chin and she doesn't like them."
"I like them." was her response. I shrugged and continued to pluck. She started to cry.
She grabbed my chin and started to rub. "It's so pretty. Don't"
I stopped.
Whatever my chin hairs mean to me, to her they mean comfort. So for right now, I'm keeping most of the hairs on my chinny chin chin.
Parenting a small child while in your early forties is an adventure.
Lotus has entered the "but why" phase of toddlerhood. Everything is met with the phrase "but why?"
She has also decided that my chin has endless fascination for her.
This isn't new. From when we met her, when I would rock her or hold her on my lap I would notice a little hand groping my chin and holding on.
I thought "Awwwww, how cute." Then I really didn't think of it.
Lately, however, Lotus has been saying "I want to touch your chin." whenever she is upset, or feeling insecure. She just started preschool and is 90% through with potty training (WHY can't she poop on the potty?? WHY???) So she's feeling insecure...enough.
I should note here, that as I am in my early forties, my body is moving quickly towards menopause. That includes, hmmm how to put this, more hair on my chin.
I have the "little mustache" that my grandmother had. I have hairs coming through on my chin. I pluck and they return. I wax sometimes, and I ignore it other times.
One day though I was plucking hairs on my chin and Lotus saw me and was horrified. WHY was I doing that.
"Mommy has hairs on her chin and she doesn't like them."
"I like them." was her response. I shrugged and continued to pluck. She started to cry.
She grabbed my chin and started to rub. "It's so pretty. Don't"
I stopped.
Whatever my chin hairs mean to me, to her they mean comfort. So for right now, I'm keeping most of the hairs on my chinny chin chin.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Things I want to work on for next season
Damn.
Sorry about the blog hiatus.
Back to school + needy child + Back to school teacher hubby + High Holy Days = blog hiatus.
Anyway I'm back.
I don't do new year's resolutions. Or at least, not on January first.
I do them around this time of year. The High Holidays.
I'm a submarine jew and this is one of the times I surface.
I spent Monday in temple. I spent Tuesday in thought and quiet prayer. And playing with the child I prayed so long for.
What do I want to change next year?
Well, with my career...
With my friends...
With my family...
Sorry about the blog hiatus.
Back to school + needy child + Back to school teacher hubby + High Holy Days = blog hiatus.
Anyway I'm back.
I don't do new year's resolutions. Or at least, not on January first.
I do them around this time of year. The High Holidays.
I'm a submarine jew and this is one of the times I surface.
I spent Monday in temple. I spent Tuesday in thought and quiet prayer. And playing with the child I prayed so long for.
What do I want to change next year?
Well, with my career...
- I don't know where my career is and where it is going. I want to change that. I have a contract position, but I don't know what happens when it ends.
- I want to blog more.
- I want to finish the last revision (I swear it--until I get an editor anyway) and send my novel to an agent.
With my friends...
- I want to start seeing friends instead of texting them and messaging them where practicable. In this past year I met a lot of people I only "knew" online. I enjoyed it. I want to keep doing this.
- Barring that I will use my cell phone the way Jobs intended--as a freaking phone where I can hear a friend's voice, and not just imagine it via text.
- I will also go out of my way to start meeting some of the parents of the children I hear my daughter mention often. Okay maybe not the one who tried to push her down the slide, but the one she plays with every day.
With my family...
- I will try to remember how damn lucky I am to have the family that I have.
- I will try to be more patient with my daughter. That doesn't mean giving in to her every desire, but allowing her to bitch and moan when I don't.
- I will find a babysitter (two hopefully) that I trust as much as I trust the daycare teachers. D and I need to get out alone now and again.
With myself...
- I will listen to the doctors regarding my blood sugar and getting it down.
- I will have a mammogram in the next month.
- I will try to exercise more--maybe playing tag or ball with my daughter more.
- I will learn to ask for help--ideally before I break down screaming that no one will help me.
To all--I wish peace, love, health and joy in the coming year.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Things I wish someone had told me about being a mom
Two nights ago I was dreaming that someone had put one of those Victorian pan warmers in my bed. I woke up and Lotus was in bed with us running a fever.
Lotus Fever hits my mom-panic button like nothing else. It also really didn't help that I'm listening to Stephen King's The Stand on audio. So I violated a cardinal rule of mommying. I woke the baby to give her medicine.
Or at least that's what my dad said when I told him.
No one told me that waking the baby to give medicine will result in said baby (okay toddler--as she is 3) deciding that Mommy wanted to play and stayed up for another hour. I wish someone had told me that you never wake the baby--even with a fever.
Made me think about other things that I've learned in the past two and a half years that I wish someone had told me when I became a mom--or since.
1) The Mom Panic Button
I didn't know one existed. I was the third child. I can count on one finger the times I was sick that I even saw my mother worried. There are a few things that hit mine. A fever, as I mentioned. A certain cry that make me run--means she's really hurt.
2) I'm not a slow reader, I'm a doer
I always thought my mom was just a super slow reader. Not so. I have a library book out that is overdue and I am reading it slowly. I don't mean to read it slowly but I barely have time to do anything and well, it is going slow.
3) They understand more than you think.
I got mad at my sister. I got annoyed at her and I vented to my husband. I did not realize that there was a little listener observing. The next time we saw my sister, Lotus was very cool to her. Afterwards I asked why. My little defender looked at me and said "She was mean to you!" Well, she had been--but she's my sister and sometimes she is. Sometimes I'm mean to her. But I realized that Miss Lotus had heard everything and was coming to my defense. I was touched and then had to explain how I am not mad at Aunt A.
4) You think you know tired--you don't know tired!
Which is why I'm cutting this short and going to sleep.
Parents, what did you wish someone had told you?
Lotus Fever hits my mom-panic button like nothing else. It also really didn't help that I'm listening to Stephen King's The Stand on audio. So I violated a cardinal rule of mommying. I woke the baby to give her medicine.
Or at least that's what my dad said when I told him.
No one told me that waking the baby to give medicine will result in said baby (okay toddler--as she is 3) deciding that Mommy wanted to play and stayed up for another hour. I wish someone had told me that you never wake the baby--even with a fever.
Made me think about other things that I've learned in the past two and a half years that I wish someone had told me when I became a mom--or since.
1) The Mom Panic Button
I didn't know one existed. I was the third child. I can count on one finger the times I was sick that I even saw my mother worried. There are a few things that hit mine. A fever, as I mentioned. A certain cry that make me run--means she's really hurt.
2) I'm not a slow reader, I'm a doer
I always thought my mom was just a super slow reader. Not so. I have a library book out that is overdue and I am reading it slowly. I don't mean to read it slowly but I barely have time to do anything and well, it is going slow.
3) They understand more than you think.
I got mad at my sister. I got annoyed at her and I vented to my husband. I did not realize that there was a little listener observing. The next time we saw my sister, Lotus was very cool to her. Afterwards I asked why. My little defender looked at me and said "She was mean to you!" Well, she had been--but she's my sister and sometimes she is. Sometimes I'm mean to her. But I realized that Miss Lotus had heard everything and was coming to my defense. I was touched and then had to explain how I am not mad at Aunt A.
4) You think you know tired--you don't know tired!
Which is why I'm cutting this short and going to sleep.
Parents, what did you wish someone had told you?
Saturday, August 22, 2015
I wasn't going to blog about this
I wasn't going to blog about this.
I really wasn't.
Or at least I wasn't until I figured out how I felt about it.
But it has been two days and I still don't know how to feel. I feel anger, fury, pity, and so many other emotions that I really can't get a handle on them.
It started Wednesday night as we were putting Lotus to bed. She was tired after an insufficient nap at school. D had ben trying to get her nightgown on and she wanted to do it. We know this because the cry "I want to do it!" echoed through the house. D dumped her on our bed with her nightgown half on and half off. He was having some bathroom issues and had to get to that room. I gently tried to righten the nightgown so she could better get it herself. I got a shriek in response. Great, I thought. Our nearly weekly going-to-bed tantrum. Finally she punched through the nightgown and I clapped. She smiled a bit and started to calm down.
She then started to look so puzzled and then started to cry again, harder.
"What is it, baby?" I asked.
"He hit me." She said.
"Who?"
"Daddy." I knew this wasn't the case. I just knew because the three times D accidentally hit Lotus he was practically crying harder than she was.
"Did he say sorry?" I asked.
She shook her head and started to cry harder.
"Daddy hit you?" I asked. "Are you sure? When?" I asked.
She shook her head no when I asked if Daddy hit her. She started to cry even harder. Somewhere between sadness and sobs.
"Honey, sweetie, what is it?" I said taking her in my arms and rocking her.
"Before." she said. The way she said it it had a capital B. She was sobbing now and I was rocking her back and forth. I started to get a glimmer of an idea.
"Before Daddy?" I asked. She stopped crying. The absence of sound was jarring. D walked into our bedroom sat on the bed and put his hand on Lotus' back. We were staring in each other's eyes.
"Lotus-full-name, are you saying that before you met mommy and daddy someone hit you?"
"Yes." She said and started to sob again."A lot."' She was howling now and I was rocking her and D had his hand on her back. She reached out and I though she was going to throw his hand off, but she wanted to hold his hand. I met D's eyes and I started to cry. He shook his head and gestured to her.
Right. She didn't need my tears right now.
I sang the Tarzan song I sang when we first met. It helped calm her as it usually does. We got her quieted down and she went to sleep. I stayed up.
Someone hit her. Before. Before she met mommy and daddy. Someone hit her a lot.
People scoff at the idea that she remembers anything about that. I know she does. I know she has memories from before us. Scent memories, sounds. There is a chef at our favorite hibachi restaurant that she freaks out when she sees him or hears him. So much so, we don't go there anymore. Does he remind her of the person who hit her?
Even now, typing this, a rage goes through me. I want to leap over continents and oceans to physically assault the person who hurt my child so much that over two years later she is still frightened. I'm not a violent person but I feel violent. I feel furious.
She feels at home with us. She feels right with us. She loves us enough to trust us with these memories. I feel honored.
She trusts me that I will not hit her. She trusts D that he will not hit her. Before she slept she gave a special hug to her daddy and kissed him. I feel humbled by this.
More than anything I am in awe of her. She trusts us. She shows it in many ways. I didn't realize how brave it was for her to let herself trust and love us. So much bravery in such a little package.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Playing cute
We're visiting my in-laws. Lotus gets weird when she stays away from home. She handles it.
We had a looooooooooong drive to my in-laws. When we got here Lotus was manic. She ran around and we expected this.
We didn't expect her to play cute.
When we met Lotus, at that hotel in China, she was adorable. She giggled, she smiled. We had expected a child totally shut down and we were thrilled that she seemed so happy. It took us three days to realize that she wasn't happy with us-she had gone into survival mode. She had learned in her 54 weeks at the orphanage that the best way to survive is play cute with new people. It probably got her more food, more attention. When I am honest with myself I realize that this survival instinct was probably good.
Two days after we met her we visited the SWI (orphanage) so she could say goodbye. Her second favorite nanny pressed her into my arms and introduced me formally to Lotus and called me Mama. The wonderful woman called D Baba (Daddy) Then she hugged and kissed Lotus again and turned away quickly so Lotus wouldn't see that she was crying.
Notice I say her second-favorite nanny. Her favorite one, the one that was in many pictures with her and you could see the love there, she couldn't come. They knew we would be coming and she just could not say goodbye again. When I pray I always think of her and ask Gd to somehow let her know we are thinking of her and thanking her every single day.
When our little family left the SWI Lotus looked at me and said Mama. She looked at D and said Baba. We went back to the hotel and my heart was so filled. We walked into our room and something clicked with Lotus and she started to cry. She started to scream and she didn't stop for forty-five minutes. The only reason she did stop, I believe, is that her body just gave out and she fell asleep. We all fell asleep.
When we woke up we met Lotus. The real one. She cried some more and I held her and sang to her. D held her and danced with her. We played marathon games of peekaboo. During one of those, she smiled. A real smile. A smile so different from the first one we saw that I realized the first one was her smile for the cameras. This was Lotus. This was her smile.
I adore that smile.
I noticed she played cute when she met new people. Careful of attachment we wouldn't let anyone else but us feed her or change her, but she soon found her way with the family.
It's been over two years since we brought her home. I hadn't seen her playing cute in a while but today it brought it all back to me. Tonight when we did our going-to-bed songs I added a few old ones. After I sang her goodnight song she put her hand on my chin and smiled--her real smile. I hugged her and rocked her to sleep.
I don't now how secure she'll feel in the morning. I explained the playing cute with my in-laws and they tried to understand. I hope I didn't hurt their feelings because her poor grandpa said "but she likes us." She does like them, she loves them (more him) very much and I said this. But she was feeling uncertain and I want to make sure she feels certain and comfortable. I think my Mother-in-law got it a little more, but who knows.
Adoption is not unicorn rainbow farts. There is hard stuff. Emotional stuff.
If we can get a real smile by the end of the day, we're pretty damn lucky.
We had a looooooooooong drive to my in-laws. When we got here Lotus was manic. She ran around and we expected this.
We didn't expect her to play cute.
When we met Lotus, at that hotel in China, she was adorable. She giggled, she smiled. We had expected a child totally shut down and we were thrilled that she seemed so happy. It took us three days to realize that she wasn't happy with us-she had gone into survival mode. She had learned in her 54 weeks at the orphanage that the best way to survive is play cute with new people. It probably got her more food, more attention. When I am honest with myself I realize that this survival instinct was probably good.
Two days after we met her we visited the SWI (orphanage) so she could say goodbye. Her second favorite nanny pressed her into my arms and introduced me formally to Lotus and called me Mama. The wonderful woman called D Baba (Daddy) Then she hugged and kissed Lotus again and turned away quickly so Lotus wouldn't see that she was crying.
Notice I say her second-favorite nanny. Her favorite one, the one that was in many pictures with her and you could see the love there, she couldn't come. They knew we would be coming and she just could not say goodbye again. When I pray I always think of her and ask Gd to somehow let her know we are thinking of her and thanking her every single day.
When our little family left the SWI Lotus looked at me and said Mama. She looked at D and said Baba. We went back to the hotel and my heart was so filled. We walked into our room and something clicked with Lotus and she started to cry. She started to scream and she didn't stop for forty-five minutes. The only reason she did stop, I believe, is that her body just gave out and she fell asleep. We all fell asleep.
When we woke up we met Lotus. The real one. She cried some more and I held her and sang to her. D held her and danced with her. We played marathon games of peekaboo. During one of those, she smiled. A real smile. A smile so different from the first one we saw that I realized the first one was her smile for the cameras. This was Lotus. This was her smile.
I adore that smile.
I noticed she played cute when she met new people. Careful of attachment we wouldn't let anyone else but us feed her or change her, but she soon found her way with the family.
It's been over two years since we brought her home. I hadn't seen her playing cute in a while but today it brought it all back to me. Tonight when we did our going-to-bed songs I added a few old ones. After I sang her goodnight song she put her hand on my chin and smiled--her real smile. I hugged her and rocked her to sleep.
I don't now how secure she'll feel in the morning. I explained the playing cute with my in-laws and they tried to understand. I hope I didn't hurt their feelings because her poor grandpa said "but she likes us." She does like them, she loves them (more him) very much and I said this. But she was feeling uncertain and I want to make sure she feels certain and comfortable. I think my Mother-in-law got it a little more, but who knows.
Adoption is not unicorn rainbow farts. There is hard stuff. Emotional stuff.
If we can get a real smile by the end of the day, we're pretty damn lucky.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Microblog Monday: Facets
Well the Will It Grill Party went off amazingly. The
surprise Will It Grill was Starbursts.
Seriously, next time you grill out, take a skewer, put a Starburst on it
and grill it. OH WOW!!!!
Lotus liked the party.
Kinda.
Well she liked having her cousin and friends here to play
with. Until they started trying to share her toys and then she didn't.
At one point she seemed to have--ENOUGH. She went to her
room, got out Little Lambie. (A small version of the Doc McStuffins stuffed
animal) and came over to me. I was talking to some people but I saw her with
Little Lambie who she had specifically put away so no one else would play with
him and I picked her up. Found that her pull-up was full and went to change her
so we were alone.
I changed her and she hugged me and said
"I want my mommy."
I wasn't too clear on what she meant. Did she mean me? But I
was right here. Did she mean China Mommy? She hasn't yet asked for her but that
could be it.
"I'm right here hon."
She gave a non-verbal kind of thing. Then said it again.
"I want my mommy."
I stroked her face so she met my eyes.
"Aren't I mommy?"
"You're Pamela."
I got it then.
She was seeing a different side of me. Mommy, as she knew it
was 100% engaged in Lotus. Lotus came first in every single thing. But we had a party going on. There were around
16 people there and kids running around and I was hostessing. (Is that a verb? It should be.)
She liked having her cousins and the people nearby but she
was done right now and wanted her mommy. So I picked her up, got her some food,
and held her in my arms while she ate some potato chips and gave me some. As if
Lotus was a shield no one came and talked to me, so we were utterly focused on
each other. I got hugs and kisses and giggles. Then her cousin came over and
said "Come ON!" and Lotus hopped off my lap and ran after
her---giggling. I went back to other guests.
It wasn't the first--by any measure--party we have had since
Lotus had been home. Talking to D about it, he said that she needs to see that
I am a complete person. I do other things besides be Mommy. I agree.
How do other parents resolve the many aspects of themselves
into their parenting?
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Seesaw
I miss my baby.
Lotus is still fine (thank Gd), and she is tackling the world with her three year old will.
I'm no longer home when she gets home. I'm still at work. I miss the rush of "what we did in school" that she would say when she came through the door. I miss cuddling with her for a half hour watching Team UmiZoomi and listening when she said someone was "not nice."
I like my job. I like the money. I like the fact that the money pays for the dance lessons Lotus adores.
I don't like that I can't go with her and see her excitement.
I'm in the middle of the sadness of the working mother. Lotus is going to be our only child--I'm not getting another shot at this.
I love that D has the summer off and that he can take her and be there for her. I love that they are becoming closer. The last few days Lotus has been back in our bed in the middle of the night, she called out for Daddy to pick her up and get her there. I was happy/sad. Then she grabbed me and held me close.
I love that she is learning that I will come back. I love that the time we spend together is even more special because there isn't as much of it.
But I miss my baby.
Lotus is still fine (thank Gd), and she is tackling the world with her three year old will.
I'm no longer home when she gets home. I'm still at work. I miss the rush of "what we did in school" that she would say when she came through the door. I miss cuddling with her for a half hour watching Team UmiZoomi and listening when she said someone was "not nice."
I like my job. I like the money. I like the fact that the money pays for the dance lessons Lotus adores.
I don't like that I can't go with her and see her excitement.
I'm in the middle of the sadness of the working mother. Lotus is going to be our only child--I'm not getting another shot at this.
I love that D has the summer off and that he can take her and be there for her. I love that they are becoming closer. The last few days Lotus has been back in our bed in the middle of the night, she called out for Daddy to pick her up and get her there. I was happy/sad. Then she grabbed me and held me close.
I love that she is learning that I will come back. I love that the time we spend together is even more special because there isn't as much of it.
But I miss my baby.
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