Monday, September 28, 2015

Microblog Mondays--Valuables

The Governor: (dismissively) Paper.
Cervantes: Manuscript
The Governor: Valuable?
Cervantes: Only to me.

-- Man of La Mancha

I went to my dad's house this weekend. He's looking at apartments and I went with him.

I wanted to take my mom's recipe file home with me. Then I couldn't find it.

Dad had hired a clean-out company to help him get a lot of stuff out. We had estate sales.  But we couldn't find some stuff afterwards--we know it is in the house somewhere but we don't know where. I freaked out about this the last time, but I had calmed down.

My mom's recipe file? That practically broke me.

These are the foods that she made her corrections to. The recipes she'd charmed from restaurants when she traveled--in her own handwriting. I called my sister to see if maybe she had taken it. She said no, got upset and then said that no one would have stolen it. They couldn't read mom's handwriting.  It made me feel slightly better--but not much.

We found it, well my husband did.  I hugged that file to me the way I couldn't hug my mother. To others it was worthless, for me--it was priceless.

Do you have any objects that are "worthless?"

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Microblog Mondays--Holding out for a hero

I need a hero!
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night...
He's gotta be sure, and he's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life.
--Jim Steinman

My husband loves the Lord of the Rings books but doesn't like the movies as much.  Often he will say that it is because he wants the characters to be more mythic--like the books. Less flawed. He says that there isn't enough of that anymore.

He went on to say that TV comedies were too dramatic.  I agree.  We have been watching Cheers on Amazon Prime and I am laughing so hard my sides hurt. I don't recall the last time that happened when I was watching TV now. Dramas--have never been better. Comedies--even Big Bang Theory which I like isn't funny anymore.

Then he went on to the fact that we used to really look up to the people who led the country. We used to want our children to be like them. Is there one person in the current race for president (either side) that we want to tell our daughter to emulate?

I've been thinking of that since we discussed it.

Do we have heroes anymore? I don't mean Marvel superheroes I mean real people.

Who are your heroes?  I mean my mom was my hero but that's only been since I was an adult.  When I was younger I looked up to Judy Blume (I still do) and Sandra Day O'Connor.

I looked up to Marion Zimmer Bradley and Bill Cosby too. I am repulsed by this now.

I greatly admire President Obama and his wife. J. K. Rowling is my hero.

Who are your heroes?  Why?


Tuesday night is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement. Jews around the world fast, (abstain from eating or drinking) and spend the day in temple.  One of the prayers said is the Viddui (Confessional). We say it aloud surrounded by people who are saying the same things.  It begins, for the sin which we have committed against you....  A few years ago our Rabbi asked the kids to come up with what they were sorry for.  Some of it was touching, some adorable.  My favorite was "For the sin I committed agains you for punching my sister--but she really deserved it."

Anyway that inspired me to come up with my own that I sometimes say in temple.  Still this is public and maybe others can find that they are not alone.

For the sin which I have committed against you for forgetting others humanity. 

Donald Trump is human. So is Kim Davis. So are a lot of people who I disagree with. If they died tomorrow there are people who would mourn them like I am still mourning the loss of my mother. When did people become the sum total of their opinions on one thing? Would I want people to judge me on my opinions on one thing? The best thing about this country is that someone can stand on a street corner and scream things at the top of their lungs that I would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of mine. They have that right. If they want to run for president--they have that right and I have the responsibility to oppose them if I so choose.
But they are human.
They have people who love them and I will not say anything that demeans their humanity because then I am no better.

For the sins which I have committed by inwardly bragging about my daughter. 
Do I need to explain this one?

For the sins which I have committed by being in denial about some of my health issues. 
I have to put myself back on track.

For the sins which I have committed by judging other mothers harshly.
This one I want to stop. We are getting through this thing called life the best that we can. I have to stop thinking "What is that mother doing to that child?" I have to stop. People are thinking it about me and I hate it. I'm doing the best I can. So are they.

For the sins which I have committed by not giving people the benefit of the doubt.
"Could you tell me some of the costs involved in adopting your daughter?" Someone at my daughter's daycare asked me. I opened my mouth to blast her with both barrels. Why on earth is it her business. Then I saw her eyes. The hunger. She wanted to be a mother as badly as I had.  What if I had said something bad? I have started to ask "Why do you ask?" instead of hitting them and found wonderful conversations.

For the sins which I have committed by making every tear my daughter sheds somehow related to her time in the orphanage or her adoption. 
Sometimes she is crying because it is bedtime and she wants to stay up later. Sometimes she is crying because I said she couldn't have another cookie.

For the sins which I have committed by treating my husband as my coparent instead of my partner, lover and best friend. 

For the sins which I have gotten impatient with my siblings and dad. 
We're all trying to figure out how to go on in a world where mom isn't. I should cut them some more slack because they are hurting too.

For the sins which I have committed by trying to do too much. 

For the sins I have committed by not doing enough. 

For all these sins oh Lord, Forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement. 

I wish a happy healthy new year for all.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Things I want to work on for next season

Sorry about the blog hiatus.

Back to school + needy child + Back to school teacher hubby + High Holy Days = blog hiatus.

Anyway I'm back.

I don't do new year's resolutions.  Or at least, not on January first.

I do them around this time of year. The High Holidays.

I'm a submarine jew and this is one of the times I surface.

I spent Monday in temple. I spent Tuesday in thought and quiet prayer. And playing with the child I prayed so long for.

What do I want to change next year?

Well, with my career...

  • I don't know where my career is and where it is going. I want to change that. I have a contract position, but I don't know what happens when it ends. 
  • I want to blog more. 
  • I want to finish the last revision (I swear it--until I get an editor anyway) and send my novel to an agent. 

With my friends...

  • I want to start seeing friends instead of texting them and messaging them where practicable. In this past year I met a lot of people I only "knew" online. I enjoyed it. I want to keep doing this. 
  • Barring that I will use my cell phone the way Jobs intended--as a freaking phone where I can hear a friend's voice, and not just imagine it via text.  
  • I will also go out of my way to start meeting some of the parents of the children I hear my daughter mention often. Okay maybe not the one who tried to push her down the slide, but the one she plays with every day. 

With my family...

  • I will try to remember how damn lucky I am to have the family that I have. 
  • I will try to be more patient with my daughter. That doesn't mean giving in to her every desire, but allowing her to bitch and moan when I don't. 
  • I will find a babysitter (two hopefully) that I trust as much as I trust the daycare teachers. D and I need to get out alone now and again. 
With myself...
  • I will listen to the doctors regarding my blood sugar and getting it down. 
  • I will have a mammogram in the next month. 
  • I will try to exercise more--maybe playing tag or ball with my daughter more. 
  • I will learn to ask for help--ideally before I break down screaming that no one will help me. 

To all--I wish peace, love, health and joy in the coming year.