Friday, January 29, 2016



Happy New Year.

I still get to say it if it is still January, right?  Right?

I've been having issues with anxiety.

Big ones.

My contract job is over in April.  How will we make it if I don't get hired?  Do I really want to get hired? I mean, I do, but I do like the freedom of contract work.

I did nanowrimo and then like an idiot I didn't back up.  I lost all 10K words I did in Nanowrimo.  I've been backing up obsessively but I have been finding all kinds of excuses not to. Am I scared to finish and see what I can do? Yes. Yes, I am.  How do I work through the fear?

I have trouble letting go of my child at daycare.  I have trouble letting go of my child at all. What if she falls, hits her head, and dies. What if a deranged shooter goes into her daycare? She's so little. She's such a big girl. She can climb and run.  What if she runs too far?
It snowed here.
A lot.
We played in the snow, but she couldn't make a snowman--because the snow was over her head. I felt bad but she was having fun making snow angels.

I've been tending to overthink things.

I get hugs when I get home. So many that Lotus is practically plastered to me. I love this. I've had days at work this week where I nearly just left.  I came home and Lotus hugged me and gave me lots of kisses.  I'm thinking why is she doing this? I even ask her, and she says "Because I love you, and because you're sad."

I hugged her. Tight.

Lotus has also hit the threenager phase.  And the least little request can trigger a "You Don't Understand MEEEEE Meltdown."  Like yesterday. She was doing the potty dance. I told her to go to the bathroom. By the way she reacted you would have thought I suggested that she clean the toilet with her tongue.  NOOOO!!! I Don't WANNA! I got tired of it and didn't really want to clean up after it was too late. I picked her up, pulled her panties down and put her on the toilet. She was screaming and then did what needed to be done. She stopped crying and said "Oh, Maybe I did need to pee pee."   Then I spent the next three hours wondering if I did the right thing.

I've been talking to my husband about the anxiety. I've been talking to my therapist about the anxiety. Now I'm talking to the blog.

I will be trying to be better.

Then I'll try to write more.

And we'll see what 2016 has to do.