Microblog Monday - Going into the New Year

First of all.
If you haven't donated to Puerto Rico. Click Here.

They are Americans. They need our help and they sure as f**k aren't getting it from the Federal Government.

If you can't donate money, find a Salvation Army or a drop off point and drop off stuff. Again. They need help.

Okay--back?

On 60 Minutes yesterday Oprah hosted a roundtable discussion about how divided we are. She invited people from across the political spectrum. It was interesting. It is what we should be doing, sitting and talking about what is going on.

The thing that scared me though, is that they mentioned civil war.

I am so scared about that. I was so scared that I was filled with anxiety when my daughter came and played with me. I worried that her countrymen and women would see her as other and take her from me. I held her so tight and I started to cry. I tried to pass them off as happy tears but the five year old wasn't buying it.

One of my friends who is of the same political bent as I am got annoyed with me because I say that we have to start people to people who don't agree with us. He's happy in his echo chamber. He pastes the most far-left memes on his Facebook page so people who agree with him already can nod their heads. He has happily un-friended all the people who don't agree with him.

I won't.

I have unfollowed people when I don't want hate to clog my feed, but I make sure they see what I can post. Maybe they will like the picture of my daughter with the colander on her head.

It's the ten days of repentance and I repent of a lot. I want to change in small and big ways.

I need to acknowledge that my pre-diabetes has turned to type 2 instead of burrowing my head in the sand. I need to take steps to take far better care of my health.

I need to exercise. I will be joining the Y or Health Center.

I need to go on social media fasts. I might do that in a way to honor the sabbath. I don't know. Still thinking about it.

I need to forgive.

Yom Kippur is coming up and I need to forgive.

I need to forgive the people who voted for Donald Trump. Some of them are my friends. Some of them are horrified with their decision. I need to forgive my fellow countrymen who are both elated by their choice and horrified at what they have done with their precious votes.

I need to forgive Trump and the current administration. Please understand by forgive I do not mean acquiescing to all that they suggest and do. I mean that I need to stop letting it eat at me. I need to stop giving into the hate and fury that it causes in myself. I need to let go of that hate and channel the anger into fighting the actions--not the people.

I have no illusions as to how difficult that it will be, but the hate and the fury they cause me is eating me up. It is not helping me or our nation.

If we fall into civil war I don't want to say that there was nothing I could do to stop it. There IS something I can do. I can be the change I need to see. I can be better than I have been. That is what Yom Kippur is about. Trying, always trying to be better.

I wish everyone a happy and healthy new year and all who celebrate an easy fast.

Microblog Monday - They go there

Lotus is sick.
I am sick.
D is not feeling well.

So we tried to get Lotus to bed without her usual routine. We wanted to go to sleep. We put her in her bed in our room and tried to sleep. Lotus started to cry that she couldn't sleep. She hadn't laid her head on the pillow for more than three minutes. She started to whine that she needed help and I brought her into our bed to cuddle. I rocked her and she kept saying how she needed help. She wanted hugs and I was short with her because I felt lousy.

I held her, checked for fever and she had none. I sang to her and she told me to stop. She hugged me tight.

And I remembered.
I remembered going to the orphanage where she spent the first 54 weeks of her life.
I remembered seeing the room full of cribs. We were pointed to the one she had slept in. Then we saw two cribs on the outside of the room. When we asked about the two cribs, our translator said that it was for the children for when they were "naughty or sick."

The immediate effect of this was that from that moment to now, Lotus has never slept in a room alone. We've been subtlety trying to move her. First she was in our bed. Then in her crib in our room. Then in her toddler bed in our room. Its slow going but it's worth the trip to make her feel confident.

As she was in my arms, I thought of my little Lotus as a baby. When she was sick she was taken away from all the other children and brought to be alone. I understand this--I do. If you are looking after a bunch of babies and one is sick you need to separate her or you have a roomful of sick babies. But it gave her lizard brain a lesson. If I'm sick I'm going to be separated from everyone else. Once she cuddled on me, I told her over and over that I loved her. I told her over and over that she was safe and no way would we leave her.

Now I'm kicking myself for not realizing what scared her. I hate the fact that she has that part of her brain that believes that we will leave her when she is sick. D, an adoptee, reminded me that they go there. A part of her will always go there. It's up to me to show her that we will love her with everything that we are for as long as we live.

To honor Doctor Martin Luther King--I still have a dream

A few days ago was the anniversary of the I Have A Dream speech.

I've been doing research about Dr. King. I think that the thing that strikes me so much is his optimism. I have a dream--when things were not changing fast enough for anyone.

I am often despondent about what is happening in my country. This country that elected a good man for president. A good, kind, imperfect man who served our country loyally for eight years is now being followed by the worst president in our nation's history.

And still I don't want to despair.

I went online and I listened to the speech,

And I... I still have a dream.

I have a dream that the people that we elect to our congress and senate will somehow open their hearts and learn that they must represent those who elected them, instead of a party.

I have a dream that the police of this nation will stop being so deathly afraid of people who are black that they reach for deadly force as the last thing, instead of the first thing.

I have a dream today

I have a dream that the people who voted for Trump and the people who voted for Hillary and the people who didn't vote at all will join hands and work so that this country can fulfill its promise.

I have a dream that if (all the Gods forbid) a woman is raped, the only reason someone will ask what she is wearing is to return a lost piece of jewelry.

I have a dream that everyone will be free to hold hands and hug, and kiss, and marry whoever it is that they love without anyone raising an eyebrow or a fist.

I have a dream that it becomes equally dificult for someone to get a gun license as it is to get a license to drive a car.

I have a dream that health care in this great country is seen as a right that needs to be afforded to all and not a privileged afforded to the wealthy few. This includes mental health care and dental care.

And as ever, as Martin said, I have a dream that my daughter will one day live in a nation where she will not be judged by the color of her skin but by the content of her character.

I share his dream. I still believe his dream. I add my own dream to his.

What do you dream?

An important bit of nothing

Today we readopted Lotus.

We filled out more paperwork.

We went to a court and a judge
smiled at our daughter
and pronounced her our daughter
now
and forever more.

When she asked,
we tried to explain?
Why?
Why did we do this?
Again?

Lotus is an American citizen
since after a flight
from China to New York
we placed her foot on the ground
Of JFK Terminal.

Lotus has been our daughter
since we dipped her foot
in red ink
and placed it on the paper
Making a blood-red footprint
that says
She is ours.

How do I tell you
My daughter,
My child,
My very own,
That our country elected a tyrant.
Who hates you?

How do I say that
I worried that
that tyrant might write
new laws. And those laws
would call
you an immigrant
and take you from me.

How do I say
that I waited because
I wanted to honor
your China Mommy.
I am saddened because
the birth certificate that
will come from the capital city
of our state
will not have her name.

All I can say
that it was for a piece of paper.
And would you like cake?

And my child will hug me.
And ask if she can
lick the beater when
we make the icing.

I say no.
We will share.
Because we are family.

Microblog Monday - We have something in common. We can build on this.

Hey Trump Voters.

I'm not going to ask you how you feel about your choice.
If you're happy and you think he's doing wonderful things and you like the idea of the United States being a part of Russia--nothing I say is going to change your mind. Nothing you say is going to change my mind and the best we can do is wish each other a great day and start talking about the Mets. (I'm really liking their chances this year--just saying.)

But maybe there is someone out there who voted for Trump who is maybe not feeling too happy about their choices. Maybe we can talk.

In the words of David Addison of Moonlighting.

Hey--let's talk about books. Me? I read left to right--how about you?
And when I'm in temple I read right to left--you?

We have something in common. We can build on this.

Let's talk about eating. I like to eat.
I have food allergies. Do you know someone who has food allergies?

We have something in common. We can build on this.

Let's get deep and talk about sex.
Who would have guessed it! I like sex too!
I think everyone should have plenty of sex with whoever it is that they love.
You?

We have something in common. We can build on this.

I'm not talking about people on the far right and far left-- they are forgetting that there are more people in the middle. I am in the middle. I want to talk to others in the middle.

If we don't--that is when America will die.  It won't be because of the current President. It won't even be because of the current Congress  America will die because we forgot that the people on the right side of the aisle cries tears when they are hurt--the same way those on the left side of the aisle do.

I live in New Jersey. I love my child with every breath in my body.
I believe that the woman in Kansas loves her child with every breath in her body

I am a Jew and my religion fills something in my soul.
I believe that Muslims and Christians find something in their religions that fill something in their souls.

I am a woman and I am deeply in love with a man.
I believe that love is so deep that it transcends gender.

We have something in common. We can build on this. Let's start to try.

Microblog Monday - Tomorrow we discover

One day more. 
Another day, another destiny, 

It comes down to this.

Do you believe that everyone in this country should be free to worship any religion (or no religion at all)?

Trump doesn't.

One more day before the storm.
At the barricades of freedom

Because of this man's infernal ego and his ultimate insistence that he has to be a winner he is putting our democracy at risk. He doesn't understand the meaning of public service.

Do I stay and do I dare?

Never in recent memory have so many people been trying to make sure so many others don't vote. A federal judge called what was going on in North Carolina a systematic racist discrimination.

The time is now. The day is here!

After the longest campaign period ever. It is finally our turn to weigh in. It is our turn to vote.


One day to a new beginning
Raise the flag of freedom high
Every one can be a king
There's a new world for the winning
There's a new world to be won
Do you hear the people sing!

Yes, I changed the words.  Everyone deserves a chance to be the president. It is time for that glass ceiling to be shattered. It is time for a woman president. It is time for Hillary. Do I like all the baggage she will bring? No. No, I don't.

Do I worry that she will start a nuclear war because someone insulter her teeny tiny little hands? No, no I don't.


Tomorrow is the judgement day!
Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store!
One more dawn.
One more day.
One. Day. More. 

Get out and vote.

Just call me Wall-E

So I'm anxious.

I've mentioned that.

I've been going for walks and stuff and it is helping. What else is helping is turning off the computer and turning on Netflix.

I've been watching Hello Dolly. The movie. Starring Barbra Streisand, Walter Matthau, and a young Michael Crawford--decades before he would don a mask.
I'm alone in the house so I sing all the songs.

My husband would be quick to tell me that I sing all the songs anyway--but I sing them at the top of my lungs when I watch it alone.

Put On Your Sunday Clothes is wonderful and makes me ignore bad stuff.
So Long Dearie is underrated.

It's a happy movie, and I could use a little bit of happy movie.

Anxiety - Microblog monday

I have something to say. 

My anxiety level is huge. Off the charts. The election. 

I found a growth on Lotus' ankle. I had a sleepless night thinking that it was more than it was. It's a Ganglion cyst. But I didn't know that and was terrified. 

I am so anxious and worrying worrying worrying. I'm having mood swings and I am not okay. I am frightened and as much as I tell myself not to be, and to stop worrying--I am having such trouble doing it. 

I'm posting this to ask how others are dealing with stuff and to get advice on how they stop the worrying.

Microblog Monday - The sins of the mother

When I think of being Jewish, of the High Holidays, I always think about the Al-Chet. I allude to it, I think about it.

For the sins which we have committed.

Most of the time I go to synagogue alone. D isn't Jewish and Lotus isn't old enough to get much out of it. It is easier to let her stay home with D.

So I'm standing on Yom Kippur thinking about my own sins.

I think about Lotus.  She is wonderful. She fills my arms with hugs and lets me show her the world. She listens when I talk, and I try to explain the world to it as I see it.

I wish for the current year that I can be the mother that my little girl deserves.

There are sometimes I don't want to watch Elena of Avelor for the ntheenth time. I want to watch something adult.

There are times I don't want to cuddle, or play. I want to sleep.

There are times that as much as I love her little voice I just want quiet.

There are times I think I am totally fucking up this motherhood deal and maybe that's why I don't have a biological child.

There are times I think, What right do I have to be annoyed or discontented when I prayed and wished and waited every single day for nearly a dozen years for this? How dare I not be smiling and happy every single day.

I want so badly to talk to my mother to see if she felt this too. While I could, and I'd be fairly sure she'd hear me, I won't get an answer. i miss her when I think I'm fucking up this motherhood thing.

For all these sins, God of atonement, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.

Microblog Monday--What next

There is a lot of shit going on in the world.
Innocent black men being murdered by policemen on a power trip.
Innocent policemen being murdered.
A horrific attack on adults and children in Nice.
A coup going on--or not--it seems to be unsure in Turkey.
Likely between the time I post this and the time you read this there will be something else unimaginably horrible happening.

Seriously I tried to think of a good post that would somehow lend words to these horrible tragedies.

I want to comfort those who mourn.
I have no words.  How do I tell the families of those grieving their loved ones anything. I didn't know these people and policemen and innocents who were killed. Yet, my world is diminished because they left it.

For the politicians who can't get it together to agree that guns don't belong in the hands of children without a lot of restrictions, I want to do what my daughter's preschool teacher does. When two children are fighting, the teacher sits them down looking at each other. They have to say one nice thing about the other and then put a jigsaw puzzle together. If they refuse to do even that they are put on the "get along" seat until they can. I would like to see Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell on a get along couch and then doing a puzzle.

I want to fix something--and I don't know how to fix it.

How would you fix the world? What change would you like to make that would be snowballing?

Anxious

Hi,

Happy New Year.

I still get to say it if it is still January, right?  Right?

I've been having issues with anxiety.

Big ones.

My contract job is over in April.  How will we make it if I don't get hired?  Do I really want to get hired? I mean, I do, but I do like the freedom of contract work.

I did nanowrimo and then like an idiot I didn't back up.  I lost all 10K words I did in Nanowrimo.  I've been backing up obsessively but I have been finding all kinds of excuses not to. Am I scared to finish and see what I can do? Yes. Yes, I am.  How do I work through the fear?

I have trouble letting go of my child at daycare.  I have trouble letting go of my child at all. What if she falls, hits her head, and dies. What if a deranged shooter goes into her daycare? She's so little. She's such a big girl. She can climb and run.  What if she runs too far?
It snowed here.
A lot.
We played in the snow, but she couldn't make a snowman--because the snow was over her head. I felt bad but she was having fun making snow angels.

I've been tending to overthink things.

I get hugs when I get home. So many that Lotus is practically plastered to me. I love this. I've had days at work this week where I nearly just left.  I came home and Lotus hugged me and gave me lots of kisses.  I'm thinking why is she doing this? I even ask her, and she says "Because I love you, and because you're sad."

I hugged her. Tight.

Lotus has also hit the threenager phase.  And the least little request can trigger a "You Don't Understand MEEEEE Meltdown."  Like yesterday. She was doing the potty dance. I told her to go to the bathroom. By the way she reacted you would have thought I suggested that she clean the toilet with her tongue.  NOOOO!!! I Don't WANNA! I got tired of it and didn't really want to clean up after it was too late. I picked her up, pulled her panties down and put her on the toilet. She was screaming and then did what needed to be done. She stopped crying and said "Oh, Maybe I did need to pee pee."   Then I spent the next three hours wondering if I did the right thing.

I've been talking to my husband about the anxiety. I've been talking to my therapist about the anxiety. Now I'm talking to the blog.

I will be trying to be better.

Then I'll try to write more.

And we'll see what 2016 has to do.

Walking in the shoes

Mel had a great post about how when you are dealing with Infertility you are more empathetic to someone else who is going through it.

And I kind of agree.
Kind of.

Because there comes a point where it isn't true. When one leaves IF island on a boat (pregnancy) or a plane (adoption). Someone is now calling you Mommy. You are now dealing with all the stuff with parenting and they aren't. It can't help but cause something to happen, a distance if you will. If you're still on that island, it hurts to see someone off of it. If you're leaving that island...sometimes you don't want to look back.

I can speak of this from both sides now.

In the middle of my IF, one of my friends was going through it too. Together we mourned with every appearance of AF. Then, on my birthday, she called me. I had been having a nice birthday too. I had had a massage and was watching a marathon of crappy reality tv.  We seldom talk on the phone--doing most of our friendship online. When she called I thought something was wrong. She was over the moon as she was finally pregnant. She was doing her happy dance--and she should. I just thought she might have waited a day to tell me. I hung up the phone and cried. It was one of the worst birthdays because I  couldn't stop crying. She had other friends call me and they all wanted to share the news with me and wasn't I happy for her?

She had no empathy for me whatsoever. A few days later she emailed and said she hoped she hadn't ruined my birthday. I told her she did and she apologized. We're still friends, but I don't trust her as I did. I never will trust her to that extent again.


Fast forward a few years.
We had come back from China with our beautiful Lotus. My older sister is in agony. She and her husband had decided not to adopt from China even though they had come to realize that adoption was the only way they would grow their family.While we waited, and waited, and waited this might have felt like it was the right call. Then, after all this time I have this little adorable child and she's calling me mom. We went to a family thing and I was packing up to leave. I made a joke about the traffic going home, something like "I'm relying on a merciful Gd. We'll see how that works." I looked up and wanted to swallow my tongue. I gave my sister a hug and she turned away. I followed up, apologized again and she said that she knew it would be hard, but not this hard.

I try so hard to make my sister feel welcome. It is helping. Lotus adores her and in spite of everything I would imagine that Lotus considers my sister one of her favorite people--and her second favorite aunt. Lotus' godmother being in that first place berth. I still have to walk that line though. It was easier to be  empathetic when I was still there--but that is no excuse for me not to be once I'm not.

And then there is the dead parents club..... More on that later.

Things I want to work on for next season

Damn.
Sorry about the blog hiatus.

Back to school + needy child + Back to school teacher hubby + High Holy Days = blog hiatus.

Anyway I'm back.

I don't do new year's resolutions.  Or at least, not on January first.

I do them around this time of year. The High Holidays.

I'm a submarine jew and this is one of the times I surface.

I spent Monday in temple. I spent Tuesday in thought and quiet prayer. And playing with the child I prayed so long for.

What do I want to change next year?

Well, with my career...

• I don't know where my career is and where it is going. I want to change that. I have a contract position, but I don't know what happens when it ends. 
• I want to blog more. 
• I want to finish the last revision (I swear it--until I get an editor anyway) and send my novel to an agent. 

With my friends...

• I want to start seeing friends instead of texting them and messaging them where practicable. In this past year I met a lot of people I only "knew" online. I enjoyed it. I want to keep doing this. 
• Barring that I will use my cell phone the way Jobs intended--as a freaking phone where I can hear a friend's voice, and not just imagine it via text.  
• I will also go out of my way to start meeting some of the parents of the children I hear my daughter mention often. Okay maybe not the one who tried to push her down the slide, but the one she plays with every day. 

With my family...

• I will try to remember how damn lucky I am to have the family that I have. 
• I will try to be more patient with my daughter. That doesn't mean giving in to her every desire, but allowing her to bitch and moan when I don't. 
• I will find a babysitter (two hopefully) that I trust as much as I trust the daycare teachers. D and I need to get out alone now and again. 

With myself...

• I will listen to the doctors regarding my blood sugar and getting it down. 
• I will have a mammogram in the next month. 
• I will try to exercise more--maybe playing tag or ball with my daughter more. 
• I will learn to ask for help--ideally before I break down screaming that no one will help me. 

To all--I wish peace, love, health and joy in the coming year.  

Microblog Mondays -- You Came Back

We went to visit my in-laws. Lotus is their first and only grandchild. They couldn't get rid of us fast enough so they could spend time with Lotus without us interfering parents to get in the way of their spoiling. D and I hadn't been out alone together for some time.

We went out and had a nice dinner. We got back and Lotus wasn't asleep--we didn't think she would be. She came and hugged me and hugged me.

"You came back!" she said over and over. "Mommy comes back!"

It nearly broke my heart that she thought for even a moment that I wouldn't come back.
I tried not to be angry at the woman who didn't come back. I held her as she hugged me and told me she loved me. My heart warmed and broke at the same time. I hugged her back and kissed her over and over,

I'm now vowing to start taking very good care of my health--because I want very much to be sure that I come back.

#Microblog Monday--Mommy's here

It's Saturday night and for reasons known only to toddlers Lotus will not sleep in her crib. After two tries and then an equal number of stern warnings that she is not to play vaulting over sleeping mommy and daddy we bring her into our bed.

Sometime around 3:00 am she wakes with a cry and tries to hit her way out of bed. More asleep than awake she's crying and shaking. I sit up and grab her and hold her.

"Mommy's here." I say lifting her little hand to my chin. She rubs my chin and starts to calm down.

"Mommy?" she asks. Her little voice is so scared.

"Mommy's here." I said. I put her other hand on D. "Daddy's here too." She hiccups once and then settles down. I rock her a little bit and then lay down, running my hand over her hair. I want to go into her dreams and take a baseball bat to whatever it that has terrified her. She gives a little moan and I whisper again, "Mommy's here." She drifts off into sleep and I'm now wide awake.

I get up for a little and start to cry myself. I wish with all of my heart I could pick up the phone and hear "Mommy's here." from my own Mommy. It's been 10 months and I miss her so damn much.

Microblog Monday -- No such thing

In the often interminable wait for a child, I was often told to "just relax".

Now that I have a child, I find that my worry goes overtime.

What if she falls and bumps her head and I lose her.
What if someone shoots up her daycare?

I didn't know that the worry I felt everyday of the wait would multiply by a factor of ten once I got her.

I wouldn't change it--I just wish I knew how better to live with it.