When I think of being Jewish, of the High Holidays, I always think about the Al-Chet. I allude to it, I think about it.
For the sins which we have committed.
Most of the time I go to synagogue alone. D isn't Jewish and Lotus isn't old enough to get much out of it. It is easier to let her stay home with D.
So I'm standing on Yom Kippur thinking about my own sins.
I think about Lotus. She is wonderful. She fills my arms with hugs and lets me show her the world. She listens when I talk, and I try to explain the world to it as I see it.
I wish for the current year that I can be the mother that my little girl deserves.
There are sometimes I don't want to watch Elena of Avelor for the ntheenth time. I want to watch something adult.
There are times I don't want to cuddle, or play. I want to sleep.
There are times that as much as I love her little voice I just want quiet.
There are times I think I am totally fucking up this motherhood deal and maybe that's why I don't have a biological child.
There are times I think, What right do I have to be annoyed or discontented when I prayed and wished and waited every single day for nearly a dozen years for this? How dare I not be smiling and happy every single day.
I want so badly to talk to my mother to see if she felt this too. While I could, and I'd be fairly sure she'd hear me, I won't get an answer. i miss her when I think I'm fucking up this motherhood thing.
For all these sins, God of atonement, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.