What I know, what I suspect

Dear Lotus,

You asked me what I know about China Mommy. The answer is not much.
You asked me about China Daddy--and I know even less about him.

Here is what I know.

China Mommy wanted you.
Though you were born four years before the end of the one- child policy, it was waning. China Mommy could have gotten an abortion at any time, and she chose not to. For that I am more grateful than any words could possibly suggest. But your very existence says that she wanted you. She wanted to hold you and love you and watch you grow into the incredible woman that you will become. That I get to do this instead of her is so bittersweet.

China Mommy was young.
Word choices on the note she left with you indicate her youth.

China Mommy was thinking ahead.
She left the date and time of your birth. I didn't know until my students started giving me Chinese culture lessons how important that is, but it is and she did it for you.

You were left to be found.
Like the cliche, you were found on the steps of the SWI with a note. You were placed in a spot where you could not have been missed. Someone made damn certain that you were found and found quickly.

Someone in the orphanage nursed you.
Two days after we met you, we took you swimming. I had changed you into your bathing suit and put you on the bed in the hotel. I changed into my bathing suit and found two little hands on my left breast. You latched on before I could think about what was happening and--OW. It made me sad that I had no milk for you but grateful for the woman who had nursed you.

Here is what I suspect.

China Daddy (or perhaps China Mommy) was caucasian.
When I walk with you alone or when Daddy walks with you alone no one thinks to ask if you are adopted. There is a great deal of caucasian in your features. Your hair and my hair are the same in texture and color. Almost every one of our Asian friends have remarked that you look half. It matters not at all to me, but someday it might matter to you.

I suspect other things, but they are for your ears and eyes first.

One more thing I know.
Your life is everything to us.
Your happiness is everything to us.
We love you more than I ever knew it was possible to love.

That's it.

Lotus Loves Me - Microblog Monday

A few nights ago Lotus had a waking something.

I don't really know how to describe it.

She talks in her sleep and from what she said she was back in the orphanage.

She talked about being hungry. She talked about another little girl "Mei Mei." She talked about her Mama and Baba who were coming.

It was like she was reliving her memories. It was like she finally got to a point where she could process them. Where she could talk about them in a way I could understand. But she was asleep.

When I talked to her about it in the morning she said, no she didn't dream about China and told me an elaborate dream she had. I don't really know what happened.

Except I now have a little window as to what life was like there. And that's okay.

Microblog Mondays- Dear Aya

A co-worker is about to make the monumental trip to China to adopt a long awaited, longed-for child. Coincidentally, she is going to the SWI where Lotus was.  I have been writing and rewriting this letter for her to take.

Dear dear Aya.
That is the name that my daughter, (our child) called when she was scared in the first weeks she was with us. I hope it is all right that I call you that.

The little light you nurtured for a year is now looking squarely at her fourth birthday. She is bright, inquisitive, and affectionate.  She is a very wordy child---which means is that she tries to use her words and tries to process by speech what she is thinking and feeling.

A few days ago we were looking at her storybook (a book we put together with the pictures you gave us) and she saw a picture of you.  She stared at it for a while. and I asked her what she remembered.

"She smelled good." Our daughter said. "She was warm."

I knew she was loved.
I knew you loved her.

She is loved now--oh so very much. She lights our life with her smile. She makes us laugh with her belly laughs and her hugs are the best endings to long days.

I realize that I have not thanked you enough for giving her a safe place. I know you were firm, but you were affectionate. You paid attention to her--possibly at the expense of other children. I wonder if you were the one who nursed her from your body, and if you were I thank you for that.

I don't know your name--I only know you as her Aya--but I thank Gd for you every night.  I hope you have joy, comfort, and peace.  I'm sending pictures of our girl to you with this letter.  Please know that we will do everything for her, and someday we will bring her back to China to visit so you can see her.

Best,
Journeywoman

I wasn't going to blog about this

I wasn't going to blog about this. 

I really wasn't. 

Or at least I wasn't until I figured out how I felt about it. 

But it has been two days and I still don't know how to feel. I feel anger, fury, pity, and so many other emotions that I really can't get a handle on them. 

It started Wednesday night as we were putting Lotus to bed.  She was tired after an insufficient nap at school.  D had ben trying to get her nightgown on and she wanted to do it. We know this because the cry "I want to do it!" echoed through the house. D dumped her on our bed with her nightgown half on and half off.  He was having some bathroom issues and had to get to that room. I gently tried to righten the nightgown so she could better get it herself.  I got a shriek in response.  Great, I thought. Our nearly weekly going-to-bed tantrum. Finally she punched through the nightgown and I clapped. She smiled a bit and started to calm down. 

She then started to look so puzzled and then started to cry again, harder. 

"What is it, baby?" I asked. 

"He hit me." She said.

"Who?"

"Daddy." I knew this wasn't the case. I just knew because the three times D accidentally hit Lotus he was practically crying harder than she was. 

"Did he say sorry?" I asked. 

She shook her head and started to cry harder. 

"Daddy hit you?" I asked. "Are you sure? When?" I asked. 

She shook her head no when I asked if Daddy hit her. She started to cry even harder. Somewhere between sadness and sobs. 

"Honey, sweetie, what is it?" I said taking her in my arms and rocking her.

"Before." she said. The way she said it it had a capital B. She was sobbing now and I was rocking her back and forth. I started to get a glimmer of an idea.

"Before Daddy?" I asked. She stopped crying. The absence of sound was jarring. D walked into our bedroom sat on the bed and put his hand on Lotus' back. We were staring in each other's eyes. 

"Lotus-full-name, are you saying that before you met mommy and daddy someone hit you?"

"Yes." She said and started to sob again."A lot."' She was howling now and I was rocking her and D had his hand on her back. She reached out and I though she was going to throw his hand off, but she wanted to hold his hand. I met D's eyes and I started to cry. He shook his head and gestured to her.  

Right. She didn't need my tears right now. 

I sang the Tarzan song I sang when we first met. It helped calm her as it usually does. We got her quieted down and she went to sleep. I stayed up. 

Someone hit her. Before. Before she met mommy and daddy. Someone hit her a lot. 

People scoff at the idea that she remembers anything about that. I know she does. I know she has memories from before us. Scent memories, sounds. There is a chef at our favorite hibachi restaurant that she freaks out when she sees him or hears him. So much so, we don't go there anymore. Does he remind her of the person who hit her? 

Even now, typing this, a rage goes through me. I want to leap over continents and oceans to physically assault the person who hurt my child so much that over two years later she is still frightened. I'm not a violent person but I feel violent. I feel furious. 

She feels at home with us. She feels right with us. She loves us enough to trust us with these memories. I feel honored. 

She trusts me that I will not hit her. She trusts D that he will not hit her. Before she slept she gave a special hug to her daddy and kissed him. I feel humbled by this. 

More than anything I am in awe of her. She trusts us. She shows it in many ways. I didn't realize how brave it was for her to let herself trust and love us. So much bravery in such a little package. 

Playing cute

We're visiting my in-laws.  Lotus gets weird when she stays away from home. She handles it.

We had a looooooooooong drive to my in-laws. When we got here Lotus was manic.  She ran around and we expected this.

We didn't expect her to play cute.

When we met Lotus, at that hotel in China, she was adorable. She giggled, she smiled. We had expected a child totally shut down and we were thrilled that she seemed so happy. It took us three days to realize that she wasn't happy with us-she had gone into survival mode. She had learned in her 54 weeks at the orphanage that the best way to survive is play cute with new people. It probably got her more food, more attention. When I am honest with myself I realize that this survival instinct was probably good.

Two days after we met her we visited the SWI (orphanage) so she could say goodbye.  Her second favorite nanny pressed her into my arms and introduced me formally to Lotus and called me Mama. The wonderful woman called D Baba (Daddy) Then she hugged and kissed Lotus again and turned away quickly so Lotus wouldn't see that she was crying.

Notice I say her second-favorite nanny. Her favorite one, the one that was in many pictures with her and you could see the love there, she couldn't come. They knew we would be coming and she just could not say goodbye again. When I pray I always think of her and ask Gd to somehow let her know we are thinking of her and thanking her every single day.

When our little family left the SWI Lotus looked at me and said Mama. She looked at D and said Baba. We went back to the hotel and my heart was so filled. We walked into our room and something clicked with Lotus and she started to cry. She started to scream and she didn't stop for forty-five minutes. The only reason she did stop, I believe, is that her body just gave out and she fell asleep. We all fell asleep.

When we woke up we met Lotus. The real one. She cried some more and I held her and sang to her. D held her and danced with her. We played marathon games of peekaboo. During one of those, she smiled. A real smile. A smile so different from the first one we saw that I realized the first one was her smile for the cameras.  This was Lotus. This was her smile.

I adore that smile.

I noticed she played cute when she met new people. Careful of attachment we wouldn't let anyone else but us feed her or change her, but she soon found her way with the family.

It's been over two years since we brought her home. I hadn't seen her playing cute in a while but today it brought it all back to me.  Tonight when we did our going-to-bed songs I added a few old ones. After I sang her goodnight song she put her hand on my chin and smiled--her real smile. I hugged her and rocked her to sleep.

I don't now how secure she'll feel in the morning. I explained the playing cute with my in-laws and they tried to understand. I hope I didn't hurt their feelings because her poor grandpa said "but she likes us."  She does like them, she loves them (more him) very much and I said this.  But she was feeling uncertain and I want to make sure she feels certain and comfortable. I think my Mother-in-law got it a little more, but who knows.

Adoption is not unicorn rainbow farts. There is hard stuff. Emotional stuff.

If we can get a real smile by the end of the day, we're pretty damn lucky.

Friday Five--Five things I know about my daughter's time in the SWI

Most of Chinese adoption, prior to "gotcha day" is shrouded in mystery. By going to visit Lotus' SWI (Orphanage) we were able to clear up some questions. We still have far more questions than answers but I do have some answers and I am grateful for them.

5) We know she seldom slept by herself.

One of the places they showed us was the crib where Lotus used to sleep. We saw her crib. One of the nannies suggested we put her into it and because I felt like they knew better than I did, I did so.  Lotus shrieked and lifted her arms to me. I snatched her up before she took a second breath and she quieted instantly. We left the room and I noticed one crib outside the room. I asked the guide what that was and she explained that the crib was for when a child was "naughty or sick". I understand why you would do that--especially if the child was sick, but it kept us from trying to get her into "her own" room when we came home. We didn't want her to feel like she had been bad.

4) We know she was premature.

They showed us the incubator in a corner of the infant room. They told us when she was first found they put her in there for nearly a month until she was strong enough to be okay in the cribs.

3) We know that she had a great doctor.

Lotus spiked a fever the day after we met her. I was a new parent and terrified and our guide suggested that we have her see the doctor at the orphanage. By then we noticed that Lotus never grabbed for our glasses. It didn't phase us, really, because we thought that there must have been a nanny with glasses who taught her not to. When we saw the nannies--none of them had glasses and we started to wonder. Then we met her doctor who had thick coke bottle glasses. The doctor picked Lotus up with gentle hands but payed no mind at all when she cried. She had the biggest DNFW (Do Not F** With) attitude I have ever seen. If I were Lotus, you couldn't pay me to try to take off this woman's glasses. The doctor gave her medicine. Then she asked for her back and kissed her on the forehead saying her Chinese Name. She handed Lotus back to us and smiled.

2) We know she could stand

Lotus could sit up from the moment we met her. She sat on the bed and played with Sophie The Giraffe giving us some amazing smiles. She didn't stand though and we thought she couldn't. When we said that to her second favorite nanny, she plucked Lotus out of our arms and put her on the little barre and she stood up. She was crying, but she was standing. I said, "She's crying." She replied through our guide, "Yes, but she's standing."

1) We know she was nursed and loved

Okay, technically I found out she was nursed away from the SWI.  I was changing to get into a bathing suit and she saw my breasts. Quicker than I thought possible she grabbed one and tried to latch on. We were able to deflect her because we had a bottle ready and fed her quickly. The next time  she saw me bare chested she was quicker and more determined. She latched on and I was thankful for all the times I had seen my non-bio sister break a latch so I knew what to do.

I talk about this because of the woman we didn't see. I knew her picture. I knew her face and I looked for it, Lotus was looking for her too. I had a picture on my smartphone and asked my guide. She asked and we were told she was sick today. It was on the way home when our guide said that since they knew we were coming, the other nanny couldn't say goodbye again. I understand that, I only hope that she knows how grateful we are for the love she showed her. So very grateful.

Microblog Monday: Musings About My Daughter's Mother

Dear China Mommy,

That's what we call you. I speak of you to our daughter as she realizes that she grew in your tummy not mine. I speak of you with affection, gentleness, and a debt that I will never be able to repay. 

Our daughter is nearing her third birthday. She is speaking English, but we plan to teach her Mandarin. Maybe we'll teach her enough so she can read the note you left her in Mandarin--not English. 

Thank you for that note. Thank you for telling us her birthday and the time she was born. She will grow up knowing that it is the correct date. 

Thank you for the great care you took in making certain she was found. 

She is getting more beautiful every day. You must be so beautiful--and our daughter looks like you. 

She is intelligent and quick. She has some agility and athletic ability--that's definitely your genes--not our environment! She loves to dance. Her voice is starting to be able to find and stay on pitch--I'm assured that it is early for that. Can you sing? Did you sing to her when she was inside you? Did you sing to her those five days between when she was born and when you made sure she would be found?

She doesn't ask many questions about you--yet. We will try--I promise we will try--to answer them to the best of our abilities. 

I know this. If you hadn't wanted her to be born--she wouldn't have been. We love you for her. We do. I think of you as I rock her to sleep, her head cuddled on my breast. It is my heart that she hears now-and you will always be in our hearts. So, in her own way, she is listening to the heartbeats of her mothers. 

May Gd bless you and keep you. 

Your daughter's mother. 

NiHao Kai-Lan, thanks for the window.

One thing about parenting that came as a surprise to me was the changes in children's shows. I grew up on Sesame Street and the Electric Company. I grew up without DVRs and VCRs showed up late into my pre-teen years. We did not have entire channels dedicated to children's programming.

This change is not a bad one I thought. I can park her in front of the TV like I was parked.

Well, except that there ware some kids shows that she doesn't like. There are some kids shows that I would prefer the tantrum than let her watch. Some though, after repeating and repeating and repeating, you would rather stick a fork in your skull than listen to it again.

Lately, Lotus likes to climb up on mine or D's lap and watch. We will often look at our iPad or computer but sometimes she says "Watch with me." and we do.

So her favorite show is NiHao Kai Lan. This has often been billed as "The Chinese Dora The Explorer" and while it is accurate, Kai Lan concentrates on emotions. You'll often hear her ask "Does Ho Ho look happy or sad?" Not a bad thing. I've found myself singing the songs to her. Like "Even when you're mad/hitting's always bad. Use your words." and it helps.

When we first brought Lotus home she adored Kai Lan. I imagine hearing the Mandarin made her feel at home. One deviation was when Kai Lan counted. I noticed it once, but didn't really think anything of it.

Another episode and Kai Lan counted to three and Lotus stiffened and looked around. The look in her eyes was terrified. She looked at me and held out her arms and I ran to pick her up. She was almost shaking. The look on her face was "What did I do?" Then I realized that Kai Lan had opened a window into her past.

We do it. Most people who work with kids do it. "If you don't do [blank] by the time I count to three you're in trouble." They must have done it at the SWI (orphanage).  Lotus heard the numbers and wondered what she did wrong. Once I understood I hugged her and told her what a good girl she was. How much she understood at the time I don't know but she calmed down.

I don't know what happened when the nannies reached three--which probably signaled (as it does with us) the end of patience. I hate the fear that was in Lotus' eyes when she heard it.

She seems fine with it now--with one exception. As Lotus' language has expanded she has added some of the Mandarin spoken on Kai Lan to her everyday vocabulary. Tuo-xie instead of the word slippers.

However when she counts--she counts in English, occasionally Spanish (Thank You Dora), but NEVER in Mandarin.