Friday Five--Five things I know about my daughter's time in the SWI

Most of Chinese adoption, prior to "gotcha day" is shrouded in mystery. By going to visit Lotus' SWI (Orphanage) we were able to clear up some questions. We still have far more questions than answers but I do have some answers and I am grateful for them.

5) We know she seldom slept by herself.

One of the places they showed us was the crib where Lotus used to sleep. We saw her crib. One of the nannies suggested we put her into it and because I felt like they knew better than I did, I did so.  Lotus shrieked and lifted her arms to me. I snatched her up before she took a second breath and she quieted instantly. We left the room and I noticed one crib outside the room. I asked the guide what that was and she explained that the crib was for when a child was "naughty or sick". I understand why you would do that--especially if the child was sick, but it kept us from trying to get her into "her own" room when we came home. We didn't want her to feel like she had been bad.

4) We know she was premature.

They showed us the incubator in a corner of the infant room. They told us when she was first found they put her in there for nearly a month until she was strong enough to be okay in the cribs.

3) We know that she had a great doctor.

Lotus spiked a fever the day after we met her. I was a new parent and terrified and our guide suggested that we have her see the doctor at the orphanage. By then we noticed that Lotus never grabbed for our glasses. It didn't phase us, really, because we thought that there must have been a nanny with glasses who taught her not to. When we saw the nannies--none of them had glasses and we started to wonder. Then we met her doctor who had thick coke bottle glasses. The doctor picked Lotus up with gentle hands but payed no mind at all when she cried. She had the biggest DNFW (Do Not F** With) attitude I have ever seen. If I were Lotus, you couldn't pay me to try to take off this woman's glasses. The doctor gave her medicine. Then she asked for her back and kissed her on the forehead saying her Chinese Name. She handed Lotus back to us and smiled.

2) We know she could stand

Lotus could sit up from the moment we met her. She sat on the bed and played with Sophie The Giraffe giving us some amazing smiles. She didn't stand though and we thought she couldn't. When we said that to her second favorite nanny, she plucked Lotus out of our arms and put her on the little barre and she stood up. She was crying, but she was standing. I said, "She's crying." She replied through our guide, "Yes, but she's standing."

1) We know she was nursed and loved

Okay, technically I found out she was nursed away from the SWI.  I was changing to get into a bathing suit and she saw my breasts. Quicker than I thought possible she grabbed one and tried to latch on. We were able to deflect her because we had a bottle ready and fed her quickly. The next time  she saw me bare chested she was quicker and more determined. She latched on and I was thankful for all the times I had seen my non-bio sister break a latch so I knew what to do.

I talk about this because of the woman we didn't see. I knew her picture. I knew her face and I looked for it, Lotus was looking for her too. I had a picture on my smartphone and asked my guide. She asked and we were told she was sick today. It was on the way home when our guide said that since they knew we were coming, the other nanny couldn't say goodbye again. I understand that, I only hope that she knows how grateful we are for the love she showed her. So very grateful.

Friday Five: Five things to do when a friend's parent dies

"Was it sudden?"
"No. And yes. It's always sudden."
--Buffy the Vampire Slayer--The Body

When mom died I was prepared. I knew it would happen.

Yet the suddenness of it ripped my world apart like nothing I could have imagined.

I was astonished at how well some of my friends responded and helped me out.
I was astonished at how others of my friends disappeared and made no effort to contact me. One contacted me months later and talked to me as if nothing happened. I asked her "You know, my mom died right?" She had. She half-heartedly apologized for not saying anything, but she said she had no idea what to do or say.

I've heard this before so I thought for Friday Five I would write things you can do. Things you can do.

5) Food

Send it. Bring it. Maybe not in the immediate days following the death, but wait a few weeks when people have started to get back to their own lives and send a meal, send fruit, bring food over. It is so appreciated.

4) Come

If you can come for the funeral--do that. If you can't, come for the wake/viewing/shiva. If you can't make an effort to come soon. We need your hugs. We need to cry on the shoulders.

3) Listen
Let us talk about our grief. Let us cry.

3a) Talk.
If you knew our loved ones--share memories with us. Some of the most meaningful time was when my high school friends talked about things that I never knew mom did.

2) Write.
No, I don't mean text. I don't mean comment on Facebook, I mean get a card. get a letter, sit down and type it but write to us. Tell us you are thinking and missing our loved one.

1) Call.
Don't worry you don't know what to say. No one else does either. Call us. I will remember for the rest of my life how my husband's best friend called to talk to me. How he listened when I broke down and cried.  I will remember for the rest of my life how a few women who I considered close friends never called, or wrote, or made any notice of my grief.

Friday Five--Five Favorite Current TV Shows

I love television.

I admit I have watched my share of crappy reality shows. However right now I truly believe we are living in a golden age of television. I believe that in about a decade or less, college students will be watching full series of these shows as literature and be asked to comment about the themes. Anyway for my Friday five here are my favorite shows--they are currently on now--or waiting for the next season. 

1) Scandal

I LOVE my Shonda Rhimes. I love Kerry Washington. I love all the acting in this show. I love it that I can't watch it and tweet. I can't watch it with the computer on my lap. I have to pay full attention.  

2) Grey's Anatomy

Did I mention how much I love my Shonda Rhimes? Grey's has not been as even a ride as Scandal. I have gone large chunks of various seasons without seeing them and not even getting caught up later. That being said, recently Grey's has has a rebirth. I miss Christina, but I am still invested enough in the characters to watch. 

3) Agent Carter

The newest show on this list. I love watching a 40's era woman kick some serious ass!

4) Downton Abbey

I know it is not as good as previous seasons. I know it is kinda weepy. I know. I know. I know.  That being said I love Dame Maggie Smith. I was lucky enough to see her onstage in Lettice and Lovage. She is one of my favorite actresses and I would probably line up to hear her read the London Underground map. 

5) Game of Thrones

Peter Dinklage. Enough Said. 

Runners Up:

• How To Get Away With Murder--If the rest of the cast was as good as Viola Davis it would be on here. 
• Castle--This season has not been as good. In fact calling it pretty bad wouldn't be overstating. I'm hoping they can get their act together. It is a comedy. Don't put all this high drama into it--that's what Thursday Nights are for. 
• Doctor Who. I do not like the 12th doctor. I miss my Matt Smith.
• Mad Men

So what am I missing?

Friday Five--Five books on my To Be Read Pile

It's Friday and I was looking at the books I plan to read in 2015.

Here are five of them.  

To make it easier for everyone, I have limited it to one book per author.  Just understand that I will be reading all the new Nora Roberts books.

1) Obsession in Death by J. D. Robb.  It's the newest Eve Dallas book.  I will be reading it. 

2) That Night by Chevy Stevens.  I've enjoyed the other books I have read by Ms. Stevens and I look forward to this one. 

3) Below Stairs by Margaret Powell. I love Downton Abbey. I adore it. I have heard good things about this memoir that inspired the show. 

4) The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah. While not one of my favorite authors, I've enjoyed what I have read by Ms. Hannah. However when friends whose opinions I trust tell me that I MUST read this book NOW, then it at least goes on my to be read pile. 

5) The King by J. R. Ward. The Black Dagger Brotherhood is a series for Buffy The Vampire Slayer fans who are looking to get their Vampire fix. While not as consistent as Buffy--each of these titles are worth a read. I haven't gotten to this one yet as I bought it the week mom passed away and haven't gotten to it. I want to read it though, so--I hope to do it soon. 

What do you plan to read?

Friday Five--Five things I have already done, that I swore I wouldn't do when I became a mom

So...Happy Friday!

My Friday Five today shows the difference between parenting before the kid and parenting after the kid. For a dozen years I was on the outside looking in to parenting. I had my thoughts of what I would "never" do with my toddler.

Some of them went out the window while we were still in a hotel room in China. Others had to wait until she got to that stage or that behavior.

In the words of my parents and grandparents. Oy. Parenting is not for the timid.

Anyway here are five things that I said "I'm not going to do that when I have a kid."

• 5) Preparent Me: Whatever we are having for dinner, that's what we are having. I'm not a short order cook and I don't take requests.

To be honest, I'm still not a short order cook (unless it is leftover night). However if the bill of fare is not to her majesty's liking, I have my go-to. Plum Organics. She loves them. (And no, they are not sponsoring this post.)

• 4) Preparent Me: After a short time of readjustment where I expect to co-sleep, I will gradually get my child sleeping in her own crib in our room and then her own bed in another room. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, right. There is a crib which we plan to turn into a toddler bed in the room with Lotus' toys and changing table. She has never even gone into the thing. Most nights we, meaning I, will rock her to sleep and then D will put her in her crib. Most nights in the middle of the night, I will be awakened to the dulcet tones of MOMMMMEEEEEEEEEE! Where I will stumble to her crib, lift her out, with a small diaper check on the way. Then I will put her between me and my husband and we will all, hopefully sleep. Last night, she slept in her crib all night. After I checked that she was still breathing--I began to hope that maybe I can transition her to her own room. Before she goes off to college.

• 3) Preparent Me: My child will not eat fast food. Not ever. 

While we have only ever gone to McDonalds once, and that was in China; we eat fast food. More than I want to.

• 2) Preparent Me: We will find a sitter and once a month go out on our own. 

Yeah, well we haven't found a sitter. We did have one once but it didn't fit. Also. Money. We don't have it. Often we will leave her with my in-laws when they visit.  But not even close to once a month.

• 1) Preparent Me: I would not even consider giving up my career for a child. 

I didn't really think about what would happen when my career gave me up. I am still looking for a job but I'm not getting anywhere. Now I'm starting to shift to think of what I can do to make money. It's a brain shift, but I think it is a good one. I think I want to be responsible for my work.  We will see.