Growing older is not fun.
Parenting a small child while in your early forties is an adventure.
Lotus has entered the "but why" phase of toddlerhood. Everything is met with the phrase "but why?"
She has also decided that my chin has endless fascination for her.
This isn't new. From when we met her, when I would rock her or hold her on my lap I would notice a little hand groping my chin and holding on.
I thought "Awwwww, how cute." Then I really didn't think of it.
Lately, however, Lotus has been saying "I want to touch your chin." whenever she is upset, or feeling insecure. She just started preschool and is 90% through with potty training (WHY can't she poop on the potty?? WHY???) So she's feeling insecure...enough.
I should note here, that as I am in my early forties, my body is moving quickly towards menopause. That includes, hmmm how to put this, more hair on my chin.
I have the "little mustache" that my grandmother had. I have hairs coming through on my chin. I pluck and they return. I wax sometimes, and I ignore it other times.
One day though I was plucking hairs on my chin and Lotus saw me and was horrified. WHY was I doing that.
"Mommy has hairs on her chin and she doesn't like them."
"I like them." was her response. I shrugged and continued to pluck. She started to cry.
She grabbed my chin and started to rub. "It's so pretty. Don't"
I stopped.
Whatever my chin hairs mean to me, to her they mean comfort. So for right now, I'm keeping most of the hairs on my chinny chin chin.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
Gun violence in America--our own Hunger Games
I'm listening to The Hunger Games on audiobook.
If you've never read them, the action takes place in a futuristic America, called Panem. There had been a major war and the country had set up as a capital and twelve districts. To punish the districts, every child from age 12 through age 18 had to put their name in a lottery. If they were chosen they were sent to an arena where they had to fight to the death for the amusement of the Capital. This book set off the dystopian wave of YA books and it is extremely good.
I'm always struck at the passivity of the parents in the books. I know the rules of the genre preclude too much in the way of adult involvement. These are YA books and therefore the majority of the action surrounds people under the age of 18. I also know that if I was supposed to participate in a lottery where my kid might have to kill other kids or be killed herself, I would find a way to get away or die trying. This has been going on for 74 years and people are just now rebelling?
Then I see the news.
Another school shooting.
Since the horrific massacre at Sandy Hook elementary school there has been 142 school shootings. That's one per week.
And we are doing nothing.
I am realizing that we are beginning to consider other people's children, spouses, loved ones as tributes to a different kind of Hunger Games. This one isn't controlled by an evil government, it is controlled by a lobby who controls congressmen and women.
Every day we wring our hands and say "our thoughts and prayers are with the victims", is a day that we are sending our loved ones out to be tributes. Somebody can get their hands on a gun and turn their school, their college, their place of business, the movie they are going to into a massacre. Then the news will appear on social media and we will wring our hands. Loved ones will cry.
Can someone explain to me why "the right to bear arms" seems to have no responsibility attached to it? A toddler can't drive an automobile, but a toddler got a hold of a gun and shot his mother dead. When you learn how to drive, the teacher has a break that he/she can employ if you are driving poorly, and there is an age limit of how old you must be before you learn to drive. With guns a student can shoot her gun instructor at the age of nine.
I am done.
I will not volunteer to be your tribute. Nor do I want your children to volunteer to be mine.
In order to purchase a vehicle in all fifty states you need to have a license. If you want to own a gun, fine, but you should take gun safety classes and no one should be given a gun without them. People with certain disabilities cannot get a license. It is time to regulate these guns as much as we regulate driving.
It is time to have sensible gun laws in this country. I have called my congressmen. Hell, even People Magazine has said that we must call our representatives and do something.
I add my voice.
Do something.
Now.
If you've never read them, the action takes place in a futuristic America, called Panem. There had been a major war and the country had set up as a capital and twelve districts. To punish the districts, every child from age 12 through age 18 had to put their name in a lottery. If they were chosen they were sent to an arena where they had to fight to the death for the amusement of the Capital. This book set off the dystopian wave of YA books and it is extremely good.
I'm always struck at the passivity of the parents in the books. I know the rules of the genre preclude too much in the way of adult involvement. These are YA books and therefore the majority of the action surrounds people under the age of 18. I also know that if I was supposed to participate in a lottery where my kid might have to kill other kids or be killed herself, I would find a way to get away or die trying. This has been going on for 74 years and people are just now rebelling?
Then I see the news.
Another school shooting.
Since the horrific massacre at Sandy Hook elementary school there has been 142 school shootings. That's one per week.
And we are doing nothing.
I am realizing that we are beginning to consider other people's children, spouses, loved ones as tributes to a different kind of Hunger Games. This one isn't controlled by an evil government, it is controlled by a lobby who controls congressmen and women.
Every day we wring our hands and say "our thoughts and prayers are with the victims", is a day that we are sending our loved ones out to be tributes. Somebody can get their hands on a gun and turn their school, their college, their place of business, the movie they are going to into a massacre. Then the news will appear on social media and we will wring our hands. Loved ones will cry.
Can someone explain to me why "the right to bear arms" seems to have no responsibility attached to it? A toddler can't drive an automobile, but a toddler got a hold of a gun and shot his mother dead. When you learn how to drive, the teacher has a break that he/she can employ if you are driving poorly, and there is an age limit of how old you must be before you learn to drive. With guns a student can shoot her gun instructor at the age of nine.
I am done.
I will not volunteer to be your tribute. Nor do I want your children to volunteer to be mine.
In order to purchase a vehicle in all fifty states you need to have a license. If you want to own a gun, fine, but you should take gun safety classes and no one should be given a gun without them. People with certain disabilities cannot get a license. It is time to regulate these guns as much as we regulate driving.
It is time to have sensible gun laws in this country. I have called my congressmen. Hell, even People Magazine has said that we must call our representatives and do something.
I add my voice.
Do something.
Now.
Monday, October 5, 2015
Microblog Mondays - Fictitious Heroes (TV)
I saw M*A*S*H last night.
I really think that this show was one of the best TV shows
ever to air. Amazing characters. A message. Somehow it never got old. Even though it's been over 30 years since it
was on the air, it never feels old.
A lot of that is Hawkeye.
Alan Alda as Hawkeye Pierce. A doctor to his bones. A good
man. A kind man. Who drank too much, womanized too much, and was not perfect.
He was a hero though. Through and through.
I think he might be my favorite TV hero.
What is yours?
Monday, September 28, 2015
Microblog Mondays--Valuables
The Governor: (dismissively) Paper.
Cervantes: Manuscript
The Governor: Valuable?
Cervantes: Only to me.
-- Man of La Mancha
I went to my dad's house this weekend. He's looking at apartments and I went with him.
I wanted to take my mom's recipe file home with me. Then I couldn't find it.
Dad had hired a clean-out company to help him get a lot of stuff out. We had estate sales. But we couldn't find some stuff afterwards--we know it is in the house somewhere but we don't know where. I freaked out about this the last time, but I had calmed down.
My mom's recipe file? That practically broke me.
These are the foods that she made her corrections to. The recipes she'd charmed from restaurants when she traveled--in her own handwriting. I called my sister to see if maybe she had taken it. She said no, got upset and then said that no one would have stolen it. They couldn't read mom's handwriting. It made me feel slightly better--but not much.
We found it, well my husband did. I hugged that file to me the way I couldn't hug my mother. To others it was worthless, for me--it was priceless.
Do you have any objects that are "worthless?"
Cervantes: Manuscript
The Governor: Valuable?
Cervantes: Only to me.
-- Man of La Mancha
I went to my dad's house this weekend. He's looking at apartments and I went with him.
I wanted to take my mom's recipe file home with me. Then I couldn't find it.
Dad had hired a clean-out company to help him get a lot of stuff out. We had estate sales. But we couldn't find some stuff afterwards--we know it is in the house somewhere but we don't know where. I freaked out about this the last time, but I had calmed down.
My mom's recipe file? That practically broke me.
These are the foods that she made her corrections to. The recipes she'd charmed from restaurants when she traveled--in her own handwriting. I called my sister to see if maybe she had taken it. She said no, got upset and then said that no one would have stolen it. They couldn't read mom's handwriting. It made me feel slightly better--but not much.
We found it, well my husband did. I hugged that file to me the way I couldn't hug my mother. To others it was worthless, for me--it was priceless.
Do you have any objects that are "worthless?"
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Microblog Mondays--Holding out for a hero
I need a hero!
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night...
He's gotta be sure, and he's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life.
--Jim Steinman
My husband loves the Lord of the Rings books but doesn't like the movies as much. Often he will say that it is because he wants the characters to be more mythic--like the books. Less flawed. He says that there isn't enough of that anymore.
He went on to say that TV comedies were too dramatic. I agree. We have been watching Cheers on Amazon Prime and I am laughing so hard my sides hurt. I don't recall the last time that happened when I was watching TV now. Dramas--have never been better. Comedies--even Big Bang Theory which I like isn't funny anymore.
Then he went on to the fact that we used to really look up to the people who led the country. We used to want our children to be like them. Is there one person in the current race for president (either side) that we want to tell our daughter to emulate?
I've been thinking of that since we discussed it.
Do we have heroes anymore? I don't mean Marvel superheroes I mean real people.
Who are your heroes? I mean my mom was my hero but that's only been since I was an adult. When I was younger I looked up to Judy Blume (I still do) and Sandra Day O'Connor.
I looked up to Marion Zimmer Bradley and Bill Cosby too. I am repulsed by this now.
I greatly admire President Obama and his wife. J. K. Rowling is my hero.
Who are your heroes? Why?
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night...
He's gotta be sure, and he's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life.
--Jim Steinman
My husband loves the Lord of the Rings books but doesn't like the movies as much. Often he will say that it is because he wants the characters to be more mythic--like the books. Less flawed. He says that there isn't enough of that anymore.
He went on to say that TV comedies were too dramatic. I agree. We have been watching Cheers on Amazon Prime and I am laughing so hard my sides hurt. I don't recall the last time that happened when I was watching TV now. Dramas--have never been better. Comedies--even Big Bang Theory which I like isn't funny anymore.
Then he went on to the fact that we used to really look up to the people who led the country. We used to want our children to be like them. Is there one person in the current race for president (either side) that we want to tell our daughter to emulate?
I've been thinking of that since we discussed it.
Do we have heroes anymore? I don't mean Marvel superheroes I mean real people.
Who are your heroes? I mean my mom was my hero but that's only been since I was an adult. When I was younger I looked up to Judy Blume (I still do) and Sandra Day O'Connor.
I looked up to Marion Zimmer Bradley and Bill Cosby too. I am repulsed by this now.
I greatly admire President Obama and his wife. J. K. Rowling is my hero.
Who are your heroes? Why?
Viddui
Tuesday night is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement. Jews around the world fast, (abstain from eating or drinking) and spend the day in temple. One of the prayers said is the Viddui (Confessional). We say it aloud surrounded by people who are saying the same things. It begins, for the sin which we have committed against you.... A few years ago our Rabbi asked the kids to come up with what they were sorry for. Some of it was touching, some adorable. My favorite was "For the sin I committed agains you for punching my sister--but she really deserved it."
Anyway that inspired me to come up with my own that I sometimes say in temple. Still this is public and maybe others can find that they are not alone.
For the sin which I have committed against you for forgetting others humanity.
Donald Trump is human. So is Kim Davis. So are a lot of people who I disagree with. If they died tomorrow there are people who would mourn them like I am still mourning the loss of my mother. When did people become the sum total of their opinions on one thing? Would I want people to judge me on my opinions on one thing? The best thing about this country is that someone can stand on a street corner and scream things at the top of their lungs that I would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of mine. They have that right. If they want to run for president--they have that right and I have the responsibility to oppose them if I so choose.
But they are human.
They have people who love them and I will not say anything that demeans their humanity because then I am no better.
For the sins which I have committed by inwardly bragging about my daughter.
Do I need to explain this one?
For the sins which I have committed by being in denial about some of my health issues.
I have to put myself back on track.
For the sins which I have committed by judging other mothers harshly.
This one I want to stop. We are getting through this thing called life the best that we can. I have to stop thinking "What is that mother doing to that child?" I have to stop. People are thinking it about me and I hate it. I'm doing the best I can. So are they.
For the sins which I have committed by not giving people the benefit of the doubt.
"Could you tell me some of the costs involved in adopting your daughter?" Someone at my daughter's daycare asked me. I opened my mouth to blast her with both barrels. Why on earth is it her business. Then I saw her eyes. The hunger. She wanted to be a mother as badly as I had. What if I had said something bad? I have started to ask "Why do you ask?" instead of hitting them and found wonderful conversations.
For the sins which I have committed by making every tear my daughter sheds somehow related to her time in the orphanage or her adoption.
Sometimes she is crying because it is bedtime and she wants to stay up later. Sometimes she is crying because I said she couldn't have another cookie.
For the sins which I have committed by treating my husband as my coparent instead of my partner, lover and best friend.
For the sins which I have gotten impatient with my siblings and dad.
We're all trying to figure out how to go on in a world where mom isn't. I should cut them some more slack because they are hurting too.
For the sins which I have committed by trying to do too much.
For the sins I have committed by not doing enough.
For all these sins oh Lord, Forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.
I wish a happy healthy new year for all.
Anyway that inspired me to come up with my own that I sometimes say in temple. Still this is public and maybe others can find that they are not alone.
For the sin which I have committed against you for forgetting others humanity.
Donald Trump is human. So is Kim Davis. So are a lot of people who I disagree with. If they died tomorrow there are people who would mourn them like I am still mourning the loss of my mother. When did people become the sum total of their opinions on one thing? Would I want people to judge me on my opinions on one thing? The best thing about this country is that someone can stand on a street corner and scream things at the top of their lungs that I would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of mine. They have that right. If they want to run for president--they have that right and I have the responsibility to oppose them if I so choose.
But they are human.
They have people who love them and I will not say anything that demeans their humanity because then I am no better.
For the sins which I have committed by inwardly bragging about my daughter.
Do I need to explain this one?
For the sins which I have committed by being in denial about some of my health issues.
I have to put myself back on track.
For the sins which I have committed by judging other mothers harshly.
This one I want to stop. We are getting through this thing called life the best that we can. I have to stop thinking "What is that mother doing to that child?" I have to stop. People are thinking it about me and I hate it. I'm doing the best I can. So are they.
For the sins which I have committed by not giving people the benefit of the doubt.
"Could you tell me some of the costs involved in adopting your daughter?" Someone at my daughter's daycare asked me. I opened my mouth to blast her with both barrels. Why on earth is it her business. Then I saw her eyes. The hunger. She wanted to be a mother as badly as I had. What if I had said something bad? I have started to ask "Why do you ask?" instead of hitting them and found wonderful conversations.
For the sins which I have committed by making every tear my daughter sheds somehow related to her time in the orphanage or her adoption.
Sometimes she is crying because it is bedtime and she wants to stay up later. Sometimes she is crying because I said she couldn't have another cookie.
For the sins which I have committed by treating my husband as my coparent instead of my partner, lover and best friend.
For the sins which I have gotten impatient with my siblings and dad.
We're all trying to figure out how to go on in a world where mom isn't. I should cut them some more slack because they are hurting too.
For the sins which I have committed by trying to do too much.
For the sins I have committed by not doing enough.
For all these sins oh Lord, Forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.
I wish a happy healthy new year for all.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Things I want to work on for next season
Damn.
Sorry about the blog hiatus.
Back to school + needy child + Back to school teacher hubby + High Holy Days = blog hiatus.
Anyway I'm back.
I don't do new year's resolutions. Or at least, not on January first.
I do them around this time of year. The High Holidays.
I'm a submarine jew and this is one of the times I surface.
I spent Monday in temple. I spent Tuesday in thought and quiet prayer. And playing with the child I prayed so long for.
What do I want to change next year?
Well, with my career...
With my friends...
With my family...
Sorry about the blog hiatus.
Back to school + needy child + Back to school teacher hubby + High Holy Days = blog hiatus.
Anyway I'm back.
I don't do new year's resolutions. Or at least, not on January first.
I do them around this time of year. The High Holidays.
I'm a submarine jew and this is one of the times I surface.
I spent Monday in temple. I spent Tuesday in thought and quiet prayer. And playing with the child I prayed so long for.
What do I want to change next year?
Well, with my career...
- I don't know where my career is and where it is going. I want to change that. I have a contract position, but I don't know what happens when it ends.
- I want to blog more.
- I want to finish the last revision (I swear it--until I get an editor anyway) and send my novel to an agent.
With my friends...
- I want to start seeing friends instead of texting them and messaging them where practicable. In this past year I met a lot of people I only "knew" online. I enjoyed it. I want to keep doing this.
- Barring that I will use my cell phone the way Jobs intended--as a freaking phone where I can hear a friend's voice, and not just imagine it via text.
- I will also go out of my way to start meeting some of the parents of the children I hear my daughter mention often. Okay maybe not the one who tried to push her down the slide, but the one she plays with every day.
With my family...
- I will try to remember how damn lucky I am to have the family that I have.
- I will try to be more patient with my daughter. That doesn't mean giving in to her every desire, but allowing her to bitch and moan when I don't.
- I will find a babysitter (two hopefully) that I trust as much as I trust the daycare teachers. D and I need to get out alone now and again.
With myself...
- I will listen to the doctors regarding my blood sugar and getting it down.
- I will have a mammogram in the next month.
- I will try to exercise more--maybe playing tag or ball with my daughter more.
- I will learn to ask for help--ideally before I break down screaming that no one will help me.
To all--I wish peace, love, health and joy in the coming year.
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