Thursday, May 7, 2015

Mother's day

For the seven years we waited for Lotus Mother's day was hell.
For the five years we tried to become pregnant and failed Mother's day was hell.

Then was the year that we had our referral. The day after Mother's day we left to go to China. After much haggling Mom and Dad came and we went out for dinner. Thank Gd they did. That was the last mother's day I would have her.

I never got to be a mother and a child together on Mother's day. It hurts.

Last mother's day, the one that came a little more than a month after mom passed we spent with dad. We spent it doing things my mom would have hated. Went to a restaurant that she would't have liked.  I expected it to be a terrible day, but it was fun.

Which brings us to this year.

Dad doesn't want to meet this year. On Saturday my sister and I will be going out to his house and going through the kitchen. We haven't wanted to as that was mom's domain and I expect it to be a hell day. Then the next day is mother's day and we don't have plans.

That means the day is on my poor husband. And it isn't fair.

What I want for mother's day is simple and impossible.  I want to hold my mother's hand and feel her fingers running through my hair. I want to spend a day in the kitchen with her. I want to hear her say my name and tell me everything will be all right. I want my child to have real memories about her--not my memories.

I want to be my mother's child again.

But that can't happen.

Instead I will have what I wished for for so long. Little arms around my neck wishing me happy mother's day.  I will take joy in that and hope that my mom's voice inside me will be enough.

I end this with my mother's day wish.

For the mothers, I wish you a happy mothers day.
For those who have lost their mothers--I wish you comfort.
For those who are hoping to become mothers--I wish you luck and speed on your journey.
For those who are childless (not by choice)-- I wish you comfort and the knowledge you are not alone.
For those who are childfree by choice--You Go Girls! You made a decision to swim against the stream--go you!
I end this with a hope.
That next mother's day will have all the women who want to be mothers--as mothers.
That all mothers will hold their children tightly.
That all adult children will reconcile with their mothers if it is possible and comfortable to do so.
That all child-free women are made to feel empowered instead of ashamed.
And that the great mother of us all will grant us all peace.
"There are no great things, only small things with great love"--Mother Teresa (another woman who was never a mom!)  

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