Microblog Monday--Without you

This week it will be a year since mom died.

This is the song Without You from Rent. Lyrics are below. I don't really have much else to say.

Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows

Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play

The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly

Without you
The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die without you

Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves

Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The oceans crash

The crowds roar
The days soar
The babies cry

Without you
The moon glows
The river flows
But I die without you

The world revives
(Colors renew)
But I know blue, only blue
Lonely blue
(Within me blue)
Without you

Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats

Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walks
The lungs breathe

The mind churns
(The mind churns)
The heart yearns
(The heart yearns)

The tears dry without you
Life goes on but I'm gone
'Cause I die without you

Without you
Without you
Without you

My person

If you've watched Grey's Anatomy--before this year--you know that Christina and Meredith are each other's "person".  The person they would call to hide a body.

I'm very blessed because I can say my husband is my person.

I'm even more blessed because I have another person. I have two people. My heart sister. Lotus' godmother.

When she was in the hospital having my goddaughter and only family was allowed in her room she said without a second thought, "that's my sister."  And I am. And she's mine.

The day before yesterday I started shopping for the seder. The one that will be on the anniversary of mom's death. I called my person and we talked on the phone about what I would make and what extras to have. I didn't have to tell her that I always did this with mom. You don't need to tell your person stuff like that.

Someday I'll write a post about how we met.  It's kinda cool.

But I just wanted to write and say how damned lucky I am to have her in my life.

TV watch: Izombie Ep2: Brother Can You Spare A Brain

I've gotten into zombie so I will be writing recaps of it.

Spoiler Alert--if you haven't watched it well, you'll get spoiled.
Here's my recap.

Brother Can You Spare A Brain

Teleplay by Diane Ruggerio-Wright

Directed by John Kretchmer

Unless the show is Empire or—well I’m not sure what but I’m certain that there are others where the second one is better than the pilot—I was prepared for a little bit of a letdown.  It came, but not as low as I thought it would be. The reason for that would be the introduction of Blane—the other zombie.

First the crime storyline, the brain of the week was an artist who was given a paintbrush through his eye socket. Clive says it is always the wife, but is disappointed when Ravi says that the murderer had to be far taller than the wife.

Live is looking for the zombie who turned her into a zombie. She’s been dreaming of him and with the newfound talent from the artist’s brain does a very good sketch. Enter Blane.

Blane seems like a nice guy—he’s happy to be a guinea pig for Ravi and seems to have fun bonding with Liv over all they have lost. He seems genuinely distressed that he made her a zombie. He asks if she can get him some brains as he has cut all the bad people out of his life.  When Liv makes her special brain delivery she sees him doing what seems to be a drug deal and goes away.

What Blane was really doing was stopping the drug dealers—and getting dinner at the same time. He also got lucky and made another lady zombie—Jackie. I believe she’s going to be big. 

At first I believed Blane. I was sad that there were two out there who were infected with the zombie virus. As the episode progressed he became more chaotic good.  Now I’d say he’s chaotic neutral and all the more interesting for it.  It doesn’t hurt that he’s really nice to look at too.

He is easier to watch than Major. While Major is sweet and perfect boyfriend material and I can see how much she cared for him. It begs the question why on earth she didn’t confide in him about her desire to eat brains. Major brings back Liv’s box of stuff. Then, later, after the mystery is solved Olivia goes over to Major’s house and tries to do him. Major is having none of it—she’s been icing him out for six months and he needs more.

Regarding storyline one—at a party, they realized that if the murerer was on the steps, the woman could have done it.  I did enjoy the fact that it was always the spouse.

Line of the week runner up:

Olivia: She mostly talked about God.

Look of the week runner up: Liv starting to paint for the first time

Look of the week: The look on Blane’s face before he goes all zombie on the guys in the car.

Line of the week:

Olvia: I think he’s a liar and he’s just using me for my brains—Their brains.

What we leave behind

I had a very nice birthday.

I spent some time alone with D while Lotus was at daycare.

I read a good book.

We had dinner at Benihana with a coupon and while it took us a while to get the check (seriously over 20 minutes!) we had a great time.

The cake Lotus and D made for me was amazing. Seriously delicious and I have been eating way too much of it.

And while I felt mom's absence--I felt her presence too.

I felt it when Lotus sang me a magnificently off-key happy birthday song.
I felt it when I ate my birthday cake--as this is her recipe.
I felt it when I allowed myself to be happy--and when I allowed myself to grieve a little bit.

Mom and I seldom talked about what would happen if the treatments didn't work--except one time.
That day I went with her to chemo and we talked about a lot. I said how I remembered when a family member lost her mother and how the grief took over. Mom gave me that look and her tone was severe--harsh even. I remember her next words as if she branded them on my brain.

"Don't you dare mourn me like that. Don't. You. Dare. You are not honoring me. You are not honoring my memory. Mourn--okay. Say Kaddish. Cry. That's fine. Then you dry your eyes and you hug that little girl that you waited so long to hold. You tell her about me. You tell her what you learned from me. You show her. You don't come to the grave with me, you turn around and let me go."

She might have said more but the doctor came in with the chemo and then we talked about other things.

Yesterday I ate mom's birthday cake. The one she taught me how to make--and I taught D. He baked it with Lotus.

Yesterday I went to the mirror and I smiled--and I saw my mom's lousy teeth in my head--and my smile is a mix of her smile and dad's.

Yesterday I mourned, I cried.  I laughed too. I sang. I smiled. I ate.

I think mom would have been proud.

Microblog Monday--My birthday

Today is my birthday.

Today is the first time that my birthday won't be "sung" by my mom.

My brother and sister told me the first one was hard and I imagine that it will be--it's early yet.

Though last year was harder. I went out to see mom who couldn't get out of bed. She floated in and out of consciousness. She floated in and out of lucidity, but I took her the cake that I had made and she ate it--like she always ate cake. Frosting first, then cake. She didn't like to waste the calories if the cake wasn't as good as the frosting. It was so hard--and I offered to help her eat, but she didn't want to.

The thing is mom was diagnosed in October and we lost her in April.  My sister and brother were born in June and August respectively. On their last birthday with her they had no idea, no inkling, that it would be the last one. My birthday, I knew. I had no doubts that this birthday would be without her.

I don't know if the foreknowledge was good or bad. It was hell seeing her that way. It is hard knowing I won't hear her on the phone mangling the happy birthday song. I miss her. But I'm not seeing her in such pain and so altered. I can remember the other birthdays with her and smile. I miss her though. So much.

Mom's teeth

I'm having teeth problems.

I have lousy teeth. I have had more root canals than most people and well, lousy teeth.

I found out that one of my crowned teeth needs to come out. I'm not happy about it.

The dentist recommends an implant after the tooth is removed. Basically if I try to put something else in, I will have to root canal and crown two teeth that aren't that way already.

And it stinks.

I find though, what I miss most is calling my mom after dentist appointments. I'd always fuss at her that of all the things she gave me she had to throw in her lousy teeth.

So I cried about that.

Now I'm thinking of things I specifically got from my mom.

Fearlessness about recipes.
I will always try a new recipe. Most of the time they come out okay. Sometimes they come out great. Sometimes they suck but we tried lots of new recipes from mom.

Love of entertaining.
I LOVE cooking for people. I love hosting the big dinners. I'm having 16 people for passover in a few weeks and I love it. In spite of the drama I liked hosting Thanksgiving. Mom loved to have my friends over for parties. I hope when Lotus gets older that ours is the home where the kids hang out.

Love of reading
I have no memory of not knowing how to read. I was around Lotus' age when I learned. I do remember reading Tales of a Forth Grade Nothing and getting lost in the book. I remember thinking --oh, that's why why mom is always reading.

In a few weeks it will be a year that we lost her. It doesn't hurt like it did. But there are days I just want to rest my head on mom's shoulder and be with her.  And today to complain about my teeth.

My Best Friend

Lotus is getting away from naps.

Allow me to rephrase.

We are trying to get lotus to keep taking naps. Lotus is having none of this and does not want to nap.

What we have started to do is bring her in bed and nap and make her be quiet for a bit. Sometimes that turns into a nap, sometimes that doesn't.

What often happens is that Lotus will kiss me and play with me and I will play with her.

Some of my most wonderful time with my daughter is when she is trying to get out of napping.

Today she looked at me and said, "Mommy, you're my best friend." I hugged her really tight and said a little prayer that in 30 years, she'd still feel the same way.