Monday, September 19, 2016

Microblog Monday - Mourning needs more than a hug

Lotus has been talking about China Mommy lately.

We all talk about her. She's the reason we have Lotus. She's the reason Lotus has these amazing brown eyes while D and I have blue. We talk about her like we talk about my Aunt Vivian. She is a treasured relative who we don't see much.

Yesterday Lotus said "I miss China Mommy." I gave her a hug and said that it was okay and natural and right to miss her. I suggested that we hug each other real tight and we'll send all that love over an ocean an right to China Mommy's heart. We hugged and hugged and I don't mind saying that I felt pretty good about this. I felt like I did something right.

Then last night she had a meltdown. She started screaming, crying, and I just held her and rocked her.  She didn't repeat that she missed China Mommy--she didn't have to. I've been mourning my mother for two years, I know what mourning looks like. She cried and I rocked her and held her. She let me--even though I was concerned that she would push me away. We rocked and straightened out what she didn't want to do--even though a blind man could see that wasn't what the tantrum was about.

Today on the way to school she said "I miss China Mommy." and I (behind the wheel of the car) struggled for wisdom. I said maybe when we were older we could go to China and try to find China Mommy. Then she got upset and practically broke down until I told her we could return to New Jersey.

When I dropped her off at school I sang our song "Mommy comes back." and she hugged me and kissed me. Had she broke down again I might have said fine, let's take the day off, but she was okay.

It just left me thinking that she's mourning China Mommy and will most of her life. It takes more than a hug to get through it.


  1. Ooof. That's tough. Since I have absolutely no experience with adoption, I'm just sending you hugs. Sounds like you are handling her comments beautifully.

  2. I think you're doing a fantastic job of such a delicate situation. Not easy at all and as you rightly say, it does take a lot to get used to mourning someone especially when you're a child and you are emotionally attached. Plenty of hugs and plenty of strength to you both <3

  3. And I think the other side of that is that there is no perfect answer, no magic words. She going to miss her and process this over and over again, and you just need to abide with her and help her through as best you can.

  4. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this is to address, and I agree with the other commenters - you are doing an incredible job of easing her through this time of mourning. Sending lots of positive energy to your family, and to China Mommy, wherever she may be.