So yesterday was Mother's day. And after years of waiting and dreading this holiday I had a holiday with my beautiful Lotus.
My father and inlaws were here too.
And I did not have a good day. I like to make this blog about Hallmark moments, good moments, sad moments, but seriously this wasn't a good time, a good day, and I don't look good when I talk about it.
First we went to get our pictures done--and that went fine. My dad left for his Mother's day with his girlfriend. (Is it really weird to talk about a 88 year old man's companion as a girlfriend or is it just me?) Nevertheless, that is probably when I started cooking.
I kinda wanted him with me.
Did I say that? No. Did I even register it consciously until I started to write this blog post? Also no.
So I started cooking in my mind.
Prior to this D and I had a tiff because I was annoyed that the place where I wanted to have Mothers Day Brunch A) wasn't doing it this year (was closed for the day) and B) Why in all hell was I the one to make Mother's Day Reservations since I was the mother.
So poor D, went nuts trying to find a good mothers day brunch the day before mother's day. He found a mother's day brunch but it wasn't good and the lack of care they took with cross contamination of my allergies meant I couldn't eat. At first they wouldn't let me order off the usual menu. Then they saw me sitting there like a bad Yelp review ready to happen and they let me order off the usual menu but it wasn't very good.
My Mother In Law was angry because I was not grinning and bearing it. To tell the truth I was angry at myself that I wasn't just grinning and bearing it. Well we left and got ice cream and it was marginally better. Then we went home because my in-laws were going to watch Lotus while D and I were going to watch Superheroes save the world. We left Lotus wondering why we had to go out and of course the time we wanted to see was sold out.
And I lost it.
I was crying, yelling at D, blaming him, blaming me. This day sucked sucked sucked! I had waited and waited and I wanted this perfect day! Why couldn't anyone understand that! My mom would have understood it!
And there it was.
I wanted my mother. Somehow she'd have made it all right. D and I hugged and then we got the uber expensive Imax tickets. The movie made me sane again.
Today I cringe at how I was yesterday--but it's real. Sometimes I am not a nice person, and well, today I'm owning it. I remember some of the Mothers' days with my mother. How sometimes she'd be sad, or in a bad mood, and I didn't understand. Now, in the light after that day, I realize that my grandmother, my mother's mother, died when I was seven years old. I don't have many memories of her. It occurs to me how mom must have been missing my grandmother on Mother's day. She must have ached for her, and hated hearing how the whole family was together--as sometimes it was--on mother's day.
So, I'm my mother's daughter.
And I can only hope that next year will be better.