Mitzvot

My mother was big on mitzvot.

For those who aren't Jewish, mitzvot is the plural of mitzvah.
Mitzvah means a meritorious or charitable act according to Merriam-Webster.

That covers it, but it doesn't.

Mitzvah is doing something to help someone else.

Listening to a friend go on and on and on and on about the ex that she now wants back.
That's a mitzvah.

Helping someone move.
Cooking for someone who is sick or bereaved.

I can't count the times I would come home and see a (former) mayonnaise jar of soup on the kitchen table with a post-it telling me where it was supposed to go. Before I drove it was for a neighbor I could walk to. After I learned to drive it could be for a relative. Mom believed in mitzvot.

Today I did a mitzvah. One of Lotus' preschool teachers is battling breast cancer. She put a call out on Facebook asking if someone could drive her to chemo. I said yes.

It made me think of the times I sat with my mom at chemo. Lotus went with us and charmed the other people. I told her that she had done a mitzvah.

The thing that I want to talk about this is that for the time I was with her, I didn't think of myself and my lousy job prospects. I didn't think of the occupant of the White House and how he and the Congressional Republicans are ruining the country. I was there. Listening. I was present.

I think I need to do more good deeds. Then maybe if I do more good, the people I do good for will do more good deeds. Maybe we could talk about the good that we do and maybe it can be more than the sh*t that the congress does.

Maybe.

In the meantime I think that I will be trying to make this little corner of the world better. It can't hurt.

What is something someone has done for you?

Microblog Monday - Going into the New Year

First of all.
If you haven't donated to Puerto Rico. Click Here.

They are Americans. They need our help and they sure as f**k aren't getting it from the Federal Government.

If you can't donate money, find a Salvation Army or a drop off point and drop off stuff. Again. They need help.

Okay--back?

On 60 Minutes yesterday Oprah hosted a roundtable discussion about how divided we are. She invited people from across the political spectrum. It was interesting. It is what we should be doing, sitting and talking about what is going on.

The thing that scared me though, is that they mentioned civil war.

I am so scared about that. I was so scared that I was filled with anxiety when my daughter came and played with me. I worried that her countrymen and women would see her as other and take her from me. I held her so tight and I started to cry. I tried to pass them off as happy tears but the five year old wasn't buying it.

One of my friends who is of the same political bent as I am got annoyed with me because I say that we have to start people to people who don't agree with us. He's happy in his echo chamber. He pastes the most far-left memes on his Facebook page so people who agree with him already can nod their heads. He has happily un-friended all the people who don't agree with him.

I won't.

I have unfollowed people when I don't want hate to clog my feed, but I make sure they see what I can post. Maybe they will like the picture of my daughter with the colander on her head.

It's the ten days of repentance and I repent of a lot. I want to change in small and big ways.

I need to acknowledge that my pre-diabetes has turned to type 2 instead of burrowing my head in the sand. I need to take steps to take far better care of my health.

I need to exercise. I will be joining the Y or Health Center.

I need to go on social media fasts. I might do that in a way to honor the sabbath. I don't know. Still thinking about it.

I need to forgive.

Yom Kippur is coming up and I need to forgive.

I need to forgive the people who voted for Donald Trump. Some of them are my friends. Some of them are horrified with their decision. I need to forgive my fellow countrymen who are both elated by their choice and horrified at what they have done with their precious votes.

I need to forgive Trump and the current administration. Please understand by forgive I do not mean acquiescing to all that they suggest and do. I mean that I need to stop letting it eat at me. I need to stop giving into the hate and fury that it causes in myself. I need to let go of that hate and channel the anger into fighting the actions--not the people.

I have no illusions as to how difficult that it will be, but the hate and the fury they cause me is eating me up. It is not helping me or our nation.

If we fall into civil war I don't want to say that there was nothing I could do to stop it. There IS something I can do. I can be the change I need to see. I can be better than I have been. That is what Yom Kippur is about. Trying, always trying to be better.

I wish everyone a happy and healthy new year and all who celebrate an easy fast.

Microblog Monday - Hello

So my inlaws are here.

They are able to watch my lovely Lotus so D and I went to the city and won the raffle for The Book of Mormon.

I loved it. It was funny and fun. I'm humming the tunes and enjoying.

And thinking.

I'm Jewish.
We don't tend to evangelize. (Here's some views on why.)  We don't go out and say that if you don't become Jewish you will burn in hell-o. Heck Jews don't believe in hell.

I've never understood why people do evangelize. Why do you care how someone else worships? Even if you think that yours is the one and only way to salvation, there are better ways than saying if you don't worship my way you're going to hell.

You can show your faith by example. (Something our Congress is not doing--as per my last post.) Become a good person and do good works for your friends. Comfort them when they are sick. Watch their children (and don't evangelize to them either!) when they can't. When they ask what makes you so treasured, you can explain how your faith helps you.

I've been told that the seders I make have made the non-Jewish friends I invite consider Judaism. I know several Jews-by-choice who have had relationships with Jewish men/women. The relationship soured but they liked the holidays and the outlook so they stayed.

Religion is one of the most personal choices. It is between a person and their deity. That's it, no matter what organized religion wants to tell us.

That being said--I highly recommend The Book of Mormon.

Microblog Monday - The sins of the mother

When I think of being Jewish, of the High Holidays, I always think about the Al-Chet. I allude to it, I think about it.

For the sins which we have committed.

Most of the time I go to synagogue alone. D isn't Jewish and Lotus isn't old enough to get much out of it. It is easier to let her stay home with D.

So I'm standing on Yom Kippur thinking about my own sins.

I think about Lotus.  She is wonderful. She fills my arms with hugs and lets me show her the world. She listens when I talk, and I try to explain the world to it as I see it.

I wish for the current year that I can be the mother that my little girl deserves.

There are sometimes I don't want to watch Elena of Avelor for the ntheenth time. I want to watch something adult.

There are times I don't want to cuddle, or play. I want to sleep.

There are times that as much as I love her little voice I just want quiet.

There are times I think I am totally fucking up this motherhood deal and maybe that's why I don't have a biological child.

There are times I think, What right do I have to be annoyed or discontented when I prayed and wished and waited every single day for nearly a dozen years for this? How dare I not be smiling and happy every single day.

I want so badly to talk to my mother to see if she felt this too. While I could, and I'd be fairly sure she'd hear me, I won't get an answer. i miss her when I think I'm fucking up this motherhood thing.

For all these sins, God of atonement, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.

The new year

I was surprised that it has been a bit since I've blogged.

The Jewish Holidays came along.

I wrote this. I couldn't get it published on any of the usual sites so I published it on Medium.

I took the Praxis--which means that I have been considering becoming a teacher.

I passed the Praxis. Now I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Lotus is growing by leaps and bounds. She's taking steps towards reading. She's noticing words on signs. Words like "No" and "Name" reading is just around the corner. She's not even 5 yet.

There are things I want to do in the new year. I want to be more productive. I want to do more tutoring and maybe teach.

It's going to be a big year of change.

Viddui

Tuesday night is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement. Jews around the world fast, (abstain from eating or drinking) and spend the day in temple.  One of the prayers said is the Viddui (Confessional). We say it aloud surrounded by people who are saying the same things.  It begins, for the sin which we have committed against you....  A few years ago our Rabbi asked the kids to come up with what they were sorry for.  Some of it was touching, some adorable.  My favorite was "For the sin I committed agains you for punching my sister--but she really deserved it."

Anyway that inspired me to come up with my own that I sometimes say in temple.  Still this is public and maybe others can find that they are not alone.

For the sin which I have committed against you for forgetting others humanity. 

Donald Trump is human. So is Kim Davis. So are a lot of people who I disagree with. If they died tomorrow there are people who would mourn them like I am still mourning the loss of my mother. When did people become the sum total of their opinions on one thing? Would I want people to judge me on my opinions on one thing? The best thing about this country is that someone can stand on a street corner and scream things at the top of their lungs that I would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of mine. They have that right. If they want to run for president--they have that right and I have the responsibility to oppose them if I so choose.
But they are human.
They have people who love them and I will not say anything that demeans their humanity because then I am no better.

For the sins which I have committed by inwardly bragging about my daughter. 
Do I need to explain this one?

For the sins which I have committed by being in denial about some of my health issues. 
I have to put myself back on track.

For the sins which I have committed by judging other mothers harshly.
This one I want to stop. We are getting through this thing called life the best that we can. I have to stop thinking "What is that mother doing to that child?" I have to stop. People are thinking it about me and I hate it. I'm doing the best I can. So are they.

For the sins which I have committed by not giving people the benefit of the doubt.
"Could you tell me some of the costs involved in adopting your daughter?" Someone at my daughter's daycare asked me. I opened my mouth to blast her with both barrels. Why on earth is it her business. Then I saw her eyes. The hunger. She wanted to be a mother as badly as I had.  What if I had said something bad? I have started to ask "Why do you ask?" instead of hitting them and found wonderful conversations.

For the sins which I have committed by making every tear my daughter sheds somehow related to her time in the orphanage or her adoption. 
Sometimes she is crying because it is bedtime and she wants to stay up later. Sometimes she is crying because I said she couldn't have another cookie.

For the sins which I have committed by treating my husband as my coparent instead of my partner, lover and best friend. 

For the sins which I have gotten impatient with my siblings and dad. 
We're all trying to figure out how to go on in a world where mom isn't. I should cut them some more slack because they are hurting too.

For the sins which I have committed by trying to do too much. 

For the sins I have committed by not doing enough. 

For all these sins oh Lord, Forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement. 

I wish a happy healthy new year for all.

Things I want to work on for next season

Damn.
Sorry about the blog hiatus.

Back to school + needy child + Back to school teacher hubby + High Holy Days = blog hiatus.

Anyway I'm back.

I don't do new year's resolutions.  Or at least, not on January first.

I do them around this time of year. The High Holidays.

I'm a submarine jew and this is one of the times I surface.

I spent Monday in temple. I spent Tuesday in thought and quiet prayer. And playing with the child I prayed so long for.

What do I want to change next year?

Well, with my career...

• I don't know where my career is and where it is going. I want to change that. I have a contract position, but I don't know what happens when it ends. 
• I want to blog more. 
• I want to finish the last revision (I swear it--until I get an editor anyway) and send my novel to an agent. 

With my friends...

• I want to start seeing friends instead of texting them and messaging them where practicable. In this past year I met a lot of people I only "knew" online. I enjoyed it. I want to keep doing this. 
• Barring that I will use my cell phone the way Jobs intended--as a freaking phone where I can hear a friend's voice, and not just imagine it via text.  
• I will also go out of my way to start meeting some of the parents of the children I hear my daughter mention often. Okay maybe not the one who tried to push her down the slide, but the one she plays with every day. 

With my family...

• I will try to remember how damn lucky I am to have the family that I have. 
• I will try to be more patient with my daughter. That doesn't mean giving in to her every desire, but allowing her to bitch and moan when I don't. 
• I will find a babysitter (two hopefully) that I trust as much as I trust the daycare teachers. D and I need to get out alone now and again. 

With myself...

• I will listen to the doctors regarding my blood sugar and getting it down. 
• I will have a mammogram in the next month. 
• I will try to exercise more--maybe playing tag or ball with my daughter more. 
• I will learn to ask for help--ideally before I break down screaming that no one will help me. 

To all--I wish peace, love, health and joy in the coming year.  

Microblog Mondays -- there were real heroes.

There's some controversy brewing. Okay brewed. Okay it has happened and is pretty damn near ripe.

It is about a book.

This one.

I won't link to the amazon site. I won't buy it. I won't read it.

I agree with those that say that any "romance" between a woman victim of the concentration camps and the commandant commander is rape. The balance of power is too one-sided to be consensual.

I am so angry I cannot speak about the woman's conversion as a plot point.

Don't get me started on the fact that she is using the Holocaust as a marketing tool.

I have read several amazing blog posts.  My favorite being by kkhendin.

I have one thing to add.

There were heroes who wore the swastika. Men like Oskar Shindler, Karl Plagge, Albert Battel, and Albert Goring. The last was the brother of one of the most horrible of the nazis, but he used his name and influence to help.

They were not romantic heroes who defied the ruddy little ignoramus* due to a magic bible. They were heroes already who saw wrong and tried to correct it.

For those who want to read about the good and decent people that helped others during the darkest time, I suggest you go to the Yad Vashem website and learn about those who were declared righteous among nations. These were the people who stood up to the third reich.  They were the candles in the myriad of darkness.  Not this book.



* J.R.R. Tolkien often referred to Hitler as the ruddy little ignoramus.  While I am not the Tolkien fan that my husband is, it is often how we refer to him in discussions.

Microblog Monday--Meditations of the Highly Carbed

Yes I'm back.

In the past two weeks:

We hosted a seder--13 people.
I had an Easter Egg Hunt for Lotus.
I observed the anniversary of my mother's death.

I observed Passover.

By observed passover, I mean I observe it in a way that seems right to me.  I abstain from all bread and pasta products. I still eat corn and rice because that's what I do.

It still is hard. Matzah with butter and salt taste amazing on the first night of passover.  Matzah with butter and salt taste absolutely disgusting on the seventh night of passover. By the fifth or sixth day I want pasta with all the desire of someone who wants to win the lottery. When passover is over we go to our favorite Italian restaurant and I dig in and it tastes amazing.

I don't know why I do this though. My parents never kept passover. They were accountants and ridding the house of leavened items right before April 15th was going to make them go insane. I know I tried it on a dare from a frum (religious) former co-worker. I liked it. I kept at it.

I don't like it now. I mean, I do it but I kvetch about it.

How many things do you do with no knowledge of why you do it and complaining all the way?

My person

If you've watched Grey's Anatomy--before this year--you know that Christina and Meredith are each other's "person".  The person they would call to hide a body.

I'm very blessed because I can say my husband is my person.

I'm even more blessed because I have another person. I have two people. My heart sister. Lotus' godmother.

When she was in the hospital having my goddaughter and only family was allowed in her room she said without a second thought, "that's my sister."  And I am. And she's mine.

The day before yesterday I started shopping for the seder. The one that will be on the anniversary of mom's death. I called my person and we talked on the phone about what I would make and what extras to have. I didn't have to tell her that I always did this with mom. You don't need to tell your person stuff like that.

Someday I'll write a post about how we met.  It's kinda cool.

But I just wanted to write and say how damned lucky I am to have her in my life.

Looking for my religion with a flashlight

I've been contemplating joining a temple.
I've been contemplating never joining a temple again.

I've been contemplating becoming more religious--more frum.
I've been contemplating leaving Judaism.

As you might have figured out I am conflicted about my religion. I should note that I am not conflicted about the existence of Gd. I have had enough proof to satisfy myself. Anyone who reads this who hasn't had that proof and doesn't believe in Gd--good on you! I don't have to disclose my proof--you don't have to disclose your doubts.

My religion--Conservative/Reform Judaism--that's another story. It fills me with conflicting emotions. I was raised in a Kosher home. I attended Hebrew School. I believed. I still do. Being Jewish is the way I worship. I feel clean on Yom Kippur. Lighting candles on Friday night comforts something in my soul. Going to services and saying the Mourners Kaddish for my mother is responsible for some of my healing. I know it is.

So why not join a temple?

Because when I needed them the most, I was abandoned by my religion and it made me feel abandoned by Gd.

Yes, I'm talking about Infertility.

In most religious ceremonies, Jewish ceremonies included, a lot revolves around the children. So what happens when you don't have children? Are you welcome? Well--kind of. You're welcome for the children that you might someday have.

Yes, when I was looking for temples, I was told by one that I should come back when I had children.
When I was trying to find a place to pray for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur I was told about one temple that had free services for young families. I said that I didn't have children. I was told that I could come too--like an afterthought.

When I attended services at my parents temple, on Rosh Hashanah, the new rabbi's sermon was about how women ran to the doctor too quickly to try to get pregnant. They should...wait for it...relax. I should mention that this rabbi was the father of six!

I went to services on Purim one year and I was asked where my kids were. I responded that if I was very lucky they'd be here in nine months. The person was insulted that I said that.

I had attended a new shul (new for me near our new house) and the Rabbi said I could come on Yom Kippur. She told me that she would leave word that I could go in. She forgot. I didn't have a ticket, my name wasn't on a list, and I was turned away from a shul on the holiest day of the year. Because my husband loves me, he got in the car and drove me to where I have been going for the past seven years. If I had not gone back to a shul that Yom Kippur--I would never have gone back again. My husband loves me and understand that being Jewish is as much a part of me as blue eyes. He didn't want me to lose that part of myself.

By the way--as a reminder--my husband isn't Jewish. A lot of these places he is made to feel like persona non grata because he married into the faith instead of being born into it. Many temples say he may be a "full member" except for religious attributes. That means they want him to pay a full membership, but not be a full member.

I want to raise Lotus to see the beauty in Sabbath Candlelights. I want her to feel like she personally was escorted out of Egypt on Passover. I want her to be Bat Mitzvah. I don't want her to be the only Asian in the congregation. I don't want her to be the only person of color in the congregation. I don't want her to be teased because she was adopted. Moses was adopted too.

I don't really know how to resolve these issues. I'm curious if others have ideas and how they have resolved them as well. Until then I will go one place to say Mourner's Kaddish. Bring Lotus to another for Tot Shabbat, and travel nearly an hour for the High Holidays. I'll do this until I find somewhere I fit in, or until I find somewhere that fits me.

#Microblog Monday--Happy Imbolc

Happy Imbolc.

According to my Facebook feed our general celebration of Groundhog's day is from this ancient holiday.

For a while I made certain to celebrate the pagan holidays as I did my own Jewish Holidays.  Partially because D resonated more with paganism, partly because, hey who doesn't like Samhain? (aka Halloween)

I want Lotus to understand many religions--not just Judaism. I want her to find her own path to the Devine however she chooses. I get terrified when I read things like about losing your child to religious fundamentalism. I feel that Gd, or the Devine, or whatever you want to call her, is big enough to let everyone in. I hope I pass that along to my daughter.

Side By Side--USY

In the corner of the Internet that deals with Conservative Judaism there's been a little bit of a commotion. It seems that the youth group, USY (United Synagogue Youth) has changed its rules. It used to be that the leadership couldn't date someone who wasn't Jewish. (aka interdating), Now they are allowed to.

That's it.

If you had pulled a pin out of a grenade you might have had a smaller explosion. The outcry from conservative adults who are upset that their childhood club was, to me, astounding. "Why I Am No Longer A Conservative Jew" read one blog. "Another Nail in the Coffin for Conservative Judaism" read another.

Sigh.

I loved USY. It was where I went to hang out with my friends. The fact that it answered a lot of questions about Judaism that hebrew school didn't was just icing.

I went away to college. I met a wonderful man. I married him.
No, he wasn't and isn't Jewish.

This has nothing to do with USY. This has nothing to do with how I was raised. Well--actually maybe it did. Every day, I watched a kind, remarkable, genuinely good man be wonderful to his intelligent, remarkable, wife. My parents. I wanted a marriage like that. Do I have a marriage like that? Well, they missed their 65th wedding anniversary by two months--so ask me in another forty years or so. I found a man who treats me well. I found a man who adores me. I found someone who helps me to grow into the person I want to be.

This picture is it for me.

It's simple. It's a Christmas tree and a fully lit Chanukiah (Menorah).

It is my home.
It is my December reality--not a dilemma.

To some it is horrific. Intermarriage where I did not, nor will I ever, ask my husband to convert.

I wonder what those people would say if he asked me to convert to his religion. Would they say that is horrible? How I worship the Devine, how I see myself in the universe is more in line with my Jewish upbringing. I cannot change that. To change that is to change a vital part of me. My husband understands this. To ask him to convert is to change a vital part of him. I understand that.

We are raising my daughter as a Jew. We are raising her to understand and respect the religion in which her father was raised. The kids in USY who changed the rules that the leaders can now date outside Judaism might well have parents who are not Jewish. They are honoring their parents. We would do well to honor the children.