Microblog Monday - Up Late

So this will be short.

I was up late last night.  Until somewhere past 2:00 am.

No, not with Lotus.

With Lotus' godmother.

We went to visit my sister by another mother yesterday. She's my daughter's godmother. I'm her daughter's godmother. She pushed me to go out with D. I introduced her to her husband. She is my person.

We went to her house and were thinking of doing wonderful things. And  we did.
We hung out.
We talked.
Our husbands went to bed.
We talked.
And talked some more.

With all the texting and Facebook updates and Twitter feeds I needed to just hang out and talk with my closest friend.
And I am so grateful I did.

When was the last time you just hung out with your friends?

Microblog Mondays -To China Mommy

Dear China Mommy,

Our daughter turns five in a week.

She seems to have developed a fear of heights. That is, until I sit down while she's at the playground and she is off climbing something that she maybe shouldn't be and calling for me.

I love that she pushes her own limits.

She is sounding out words and can recognize over thirty written words. She's going to be reading by herself soon and it humbles me.

Any time she thinks we're angry at her she declares that she needs a hug. We give her one.

We nurture her. We let her watch a bit too much TV, and run herd on her computer and phone time. She's friendly with a lot of the kids at school, but not a lot of playdates,  Kindergarten starts in September so I imagine that will change.

She falls down and scrapes her knees and ankles. when that happens, and there is even a spec of blood she requires a band-aid so she can't see it. My thoughts of a doctor to support us in our old age are out the window.

She hates loud noises, but will put up with them

She still does her parent checks in the middle of the night. She wakes up and asks us to tuck her in again. Actually the checks are closer to dawn. Is that when you left her in her finding spot? Was it close to dawn as you kissed her little hands and left? Did you look back? Or did you know that if you looked back you would have run and picked her up and I would not be writing this blog post, or not to you.

She asks us often why we love her. Why we like her.
I tell her.
Because she deserves love.
I tell her.
Because she is wonderful and kind and beautiful and all good things.
I tell her and I hug her.

Sometimes I get angry at you, for putting fear in our daughter.
Sometimes I feel sorry for you, because I have her, hold her, nurture her and all you can do is wonder.

I respect you.
I bless you.
I thank you.

Microblog Monday - Mourning needs more than a hug

Lotus has been talking about China Mommy lately.

We all talk about her. She's the reason we have Lotus. She's the reason Lotus has these amazing brown eyes while D and I have blue. We talk about her like we talk about my Aunt Vivian. She is a treasured relative who we don't see much.

Yesterday Lotus said "I miss China Mommy." I gave her a hug and said that it was okay and natural and right to miss her. I suggested that we hug each other real tight and we'll send all that love over an ocean an right to China Mommy's heart. We hugged and hugged and I don't mind saying that I felt pretty good about this. I felt like I did something right.

Then last night she had a meltdown. She started screaming, crying, and I just held her and rocked her.  She didn't repeat that she missed China Mommy--she didn't have to. I've been mourning my mother for two years, I know what mourning looks like. She cried and I rocked her and held her. She let me--even though I was concerned that she would push me away. We rocked and straightened out what she didn't want to do--even though a blind man could see that wasn't what the tantrum was about.

Today on the way to school she said "I miss China Mommy." and I (behind the wheel of the car) struggled for wisdom. I said maybe when we were older we could go to China and try to find China Mommy. Then she got upset and practically broke down until I told her we could return to New Jersey.

When I dropped her off at school I sang our song "Mommy comes back." and she hugged me and kissed me. Had she broke down again I might have said fine, let's take the day off, but she was okay.

It just left me thinking that she's mourning China Mommy and will most of her life. It takes more than a hug to get through it.

That mothers day when I sucked - Microblog Monday

So yesterday was Mother's day.  And after years of waiting and dreading this holiday I had a holiday with my beautiful Lotus.

My father and inlaws were here too.

And I did not have a good day. I like to make this blog about Hallmark moments, good moments, sad moments, but seriously this wasn't a good time, a good day, and I don't look good when I talk about it.

First we went to get our pictures done--and that went fine.  My dad left for his Mother's day with his girlfriend. (Is it really weird to talk about a 88 year old man's companion as a girlfriend or is it just me?) Nevertheless, that is probably when I started cooking.

I kinda wanted him with me.
Did I say that? No. Did I even register it consciously until I started to write this blog post? Also no.

So I started cooking in my mind.

Prior to this D and I had a tiff because I was annoyed that the place where I wanted to have Mothers Day Brunch A) wasn't doing it this year  (was closed for the day) and B) Why in all hell was I the one to make Mother's Day Reservations since I was the mother.

So poor D, went nuts trying to find a good mothers day brunch the day before mother's day.  He found a mother's day brunch but it wasn't good and the lack of care they took with cross contamination of my allergies meant I couldn't eat. At first they wouldn't let me order off the usual menu. Then they saw me sitting there like a bad Yelp review ready to happen and they let me order off the usual menu but it wasn't very good.

My Mother In Law was angry because I was not grinning and bearing it. To tell the truth I was angry at myself that I wasn't just grinning and bearing it. Well we left and got ice cream and it was marginally better. Then we went home because my in-laws were going to watch Lotus while D and I were going to watch Superheroes save the world. We left Lotus wondering why we had to go out and of course the time we wanted to see was sold out.

And I lost it.

I was crying, yelling at D, blaming him, blaming me. This day sucked sucked sucked! I had waited and waited and I wanted this perfect day! Why couldn't anyone understand that! My mom would have understood it!

And there it was.

I wanted my mother.  Somehow she'd have made it all right. D and I hugged and then we got the uber expensive Imax tickets.  The movie made me sane again.

Today I cringe at how I was yesterday--but it's real. Sometimes I am not a nice person, and well, today I'm owning it. I remember some of the Mothers' days with my mother. How sometimes she'd be sad, or in a bad mood, and I didn't understand. Now, in the light after that day, I realize that my grandmother, my mother's mother, died when I was seven years old. I don't have many memories of her. It occurs to me how mom must have been missing my grandmother on Mother's day. She must have ached for her, and hated hearing how the whole family was together--as sometimes it was--on mother's day.

So, I'm my mother's daughter.
And I can only hope that next year will be better.

Even Better

If you're going through IF treatments, or are in a rough space with regard to your reproductive health and choices--this is not the post for you.

Move along.

No, I'm serious.

See, this post is about the good stuff.  The stuff that you sob over when the last thing didn't work.

I have my child. She's 3 and a half.  If you leave out that half you are in trouble.

She expresses herself. She is fun. She is wonderful.

There are some things that are even better than I imagined it when I wanted a child. Some experiences that I thought would be good, but are even better than that. Here they are.

1) The smell of freshly bathed child.

I love hugging her and toweling her off after her bath.  D does the lifting but I get the story cuddles.  She smells like baby shampoo, soap, and her own clean Lotus smell.  It's wonderful.

2) Cooking and Baking together.

We have a tower so she can help me cook and bake.  She can crack eggs better than I can. She can sift  and keep the flour mostly in the bowl. We like to cook and bake together and it is better than I even imagined it.

3) Rocking a sleeping child

Her night time routine still includes a bottle and me rocking her to sleep while singing.  Yes,  I know she's three, but I'm not willing to stop it until she wants to. If it makes her happy, I'm fine with it. Her weight as she sleeps is getting heavier, and I love it.

4) Her compassion

I prayed for a compassionate child. I got one. Oh did I get one. I recently had oral surgery and I was not "normal" mommy afterwards. My beautiful girl climbed up next to me and stroked my hair. "It's okay mommy, I'll take care of you."

5) The "You're Here" Hug

Mostly this one comes when I pick her up from pre-school.  She sees me and I hear "Mama!" and she runs to give me a hug. OH do I love this hug.


Parenting is hard, thankless, work.  But these things, make it all worthwhile.

Sitting on my kid

I think one of the biggest disconnects between people who are parents and people who aren't is the babysitter.

Prior to Lotus whenever I saw a kid in a place the child shouldn't* be the thought ran through my head. "Why on earth can't they get a sitter?"

Now that I am a parent--whoo boy. Getting a sitter is hard as hell.

 First, there is Lotus' objection to being left with people she doesn't know. Once upon a time her mother did that and didn't come back so she is understandably worried.

Second, The cost.
When I was a babysitter I had a formative experience. One of my families (and the one I was a usual sitter for) paid me minimum wage when others paid me far less. The family stated that they believed that watching their kid was important and they should pay at least minimum wage for it. That means it is $15 per hour--which is expensive.

Third, finding someone I like and Lotus likes.
That's been the issue.
I haven't found that person. I don't really know how to look for her/him. I know I need to.

Fourth. The part of me that doesn't want to.
I am lucky as hell. I enjoy my kid. I work full-time now and don't see Lotus until I get home. I love playing with her, cooking with her, just being with her. She is fun to be around. There isn't a whole lot I want to do without her.

For those who read--how have you managed the babysitter question?




*By shouldn't be I mean the following (Please note this is for toddlers and younger as I have a three year old)
Movies with an R rating are not the place for Toddlers or below.  I remember leaving the movie Matrix 2 because someone brought their infant and toddlers who were screaming and likely scared as hell. 
Restaurants where there is a tasting menu that costs three figures or more. I do not mean diners and family restaurants.  Kids are, and should always be welcome there. Even places like Union Square Cafe or like establishments are fine if you know your kid and the kid likes things.  But places like Per Se? Why would you spend that much?

Vive le France--Microblog Monday

It is my favorite scene in one of my favorite movies.

In Casablanca, the Nazi's are singing their anthem and Victor Lazlo tells the band to play Le Marseilles, the French National Anthem. The reaction of the crowd at Rick's is electric.

But that's not my favorite part.

My favorite part is about 55 seconds into the clip--where the German anthem and the French Anthem combine to form a perfect harmony. I think it was the director's way of saying that peace could be possible. Harmony could be possible.

But it took an act of terror to accomplish it.

For those who forget their history, Germany and France are enemies. They reached a detente in the last few decades, but there is a lot of bad blood there.

If you click here you'll find the Brandenburg Gate in Germany lit up with the colors of the French flag to show their solidarity with France.

I'm sure that's not what ISIS intended--but it is what happened. And it gives me hope.  That in the depths of war--harmony is possible.  In horrific acts there is the consequence that two historic enemies can embrace.

Walking in the shoes

Mel had a great post about how when you are dealing with Infertility you are more empathetic to someone else who is going through it.

And I kind of agree.
Kind of.

Because there comes a point where it isn't true. When one leaves IF island on a boat (pregnancy) or a plane (adoption). Someone is now calling you Mommy. You are now dealing with all the stuff with parenting and they aren't. It can't help but cause something to happen, a distance if you will. If you're still on that island, it hurts to see someone off of it. If you're leaving that island...sometimes you don't want to look back.

I can speak of this from both sides now.

In the middle of my IF, one of my friends was going through it too. Together we mourned with every appearance of AF. Then, on my birthday, she called me. I had been having a nice birthday too. I had had a massage and was watching a marathon of crappy reality tv.  We seldom talk on the phone--doing most of our friendship online. When she called I thought something was wrong. She was over the moon as she was finally pregnant. She was doing her happy dance--and she should. I just thought she might have waited a day to tell me. I hung up the phone and cried. It was one of the worst birthdays because I  couldn't stop crying. She had other friends call me and they all wanted to share the news with me and wasn't I happy for her?

She had no empathy for me whatsoever. A few days later she emailed and said she hoped she hadn't ruined my birthday. I told her she did and she apologized. We're still friends, but I don't trust her as I did. I never will trust her to that extent again.


Fast forward a few years.
We had come back from China with our beautiful Lotus. My older sister is in agony. She and her husband had decided not to adopt from China even though they had come to realize that adoption was the only way they would grow their family.While we waited, and waited, and waited this might have felt like it was the right call. Then, after all this time I have this little adorable child and she's calling me mom. We went to a family thing and I was packing up to leave. I made a joke about the traffic going home, something like "I'm relying on a merciful Gd. We'll see how that works." I looked up and wanted to swallow my tongue. I gave my sister a hug and she turned away. I followed up, apologized again and she said that she knew it would be hard, but not this hard.

I try so hard to make my sister feel welcome. It is helping. Lotus adores her and in spite of everything I would imagine that Lotus considers my sister one of her favorite people--and her second favorite aunt. Lotus' godmother being in that first place berth. I still have to walk that line though. It was easier to be  empathetic when I was still there--but that is no excuse for me not to be once I'm not.

And then there is the dead parents club..... More on that later.

Microblog Mondays - Trust

Halloween was wonderful.

Lotus got so much candy in her candy pumpkin that she needed D to hold it for her.

She had a great time,

She got a bit miffed when we explained that she was not allowed to eat all of her candy all at once, but there was no tantrum. She's been very generous--sharing her candy and not getting upset when we help ourselves to some of the goodies. (She got Hot Tamales! I haven't even SEEN those in years!!!!)

So we're happy.

It makes me think of the Jimmy Kimmel challenge where people film themselves saying that they ate all of their kids halloween candy and watch the kids melt down. Everyone seems to think that this is funny as hell. I think that it is disgusting.

Maybe it is because Lotus is adopted and I am very conscious of building trust with her. I want her to be able to trust me when I say I will do something. I want her to trust me when I tell her not to do something. I think this is such a violation of the trust between a parent and a child.

These kids are going to watch themselves on Youtube later on. They aren't going to laugh. They are going to remember that their mom and dad violated their trust and taped that break for everyone to see.

We ask our kids to trust us, but the flip side of that is that we must be trustworthy. I remember very clearly a time when my mother broke my trust and it took a long time to get it back. I wonder how long it will be for these children to trust their parents again.

Microblog Mondays Car Talk

My car is not starting.

Like once a week.

Like the guy on the phone at AAA says "Oh wait, I think I remember you... Again?"

So we will likely be looking for another car.

We have never bought a car.

My father in law treats a car as if it is a child. He drives them for a bit and then gives them to us. Right now, he can't as he likes his car and isn't ready to get rid of it.

So we're looking at what kind of cars would be good. Used cars.

Anyone have "We love our Make/Model stories?" Or, even better "We would never buy this Make/Model!"

Thanks

Microblog Mondays--Holding out for a hero

I need a hero!
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night...
He's gotta be sure, and he's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life.
--Jim Steinman

My husband loves the Lord of the Rings books but doesn't like the movies as much.  Often he will say that it is because he wants the characters to be more mythic--like the books. Less flawed. He says that there isn't enough of that anymore.

He went on to say that TV comedies were too dramatic.  I agree.  We have been watching Cheers on Amazon Prime and I am laughing so hard my sides hurt. I don't recall the last time that happened when I was watching TV now. Dramas--have never been better. Comedies--even Big Bang Theory which I like isn't funny anymore.

Then he went on to the fact that we used to really look up to the people who led the country. We used to want our children to be like them. Is there one person in the current race for president (either side) that we want to tell our daughter to emulate?

I've been thinking of that since we discussed it.

Do we have heroes anymore? I don't mean Marvel superheroes I mean real people.

Who are your heroes?  I mean my mom was my hero but that's only been since I was an adult.  When I was younger I looked up to Judy Blume (I still do) and Sandra Day O'Connor.

I looked up to Marion Zimmer Bradley and Bill Cosby too. I am repulsed by this now.

I greatly admire President Obama and his wife. J. K. Rowling is my hero.

Who are your heroes?  Why?

Viddui

Tuesday night is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement. Jews around the world fast, (abstain from eating or drinking) and spend the day in temple.  One of the prayers said is the Viddui (Confessional). We say it aloud surrounded by people who are saying the same things.  It begins, for the sin which we have committed against you....  A few years ago our Rabbi asked the kids to come up with what they were sorry for.  Some of it was touching, some adorable.  My favorite was "For the sin I committed agains you for punching my sister--but she really deserved it."

Anyway that inspired me to come up with my own that I sometimes say in temple.  Still this is public and maybe others can find that they are not alone.

For the sin which I have committed against you for forgetting others humanity. 

Donald Trump is human. So is Kim Davis. So are a lot of people who I disagree with. If they died tomorrow there are people who would mourn them like I am still mourning the loss of my mother. When did people become the sum total of their opinions on one thing? Would I want people to judge me on my opinions on one thing? The best thing about this country is that someone can stand on a street corner and scream things at the top of their lungs that I would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of mine. They have that right. If they want to run for president--they have that right and I have the responsibility to oppose them if I so choose.
But they are human.
They have people who love them and I will not say anything that demeans their humanity because then I am no better.

For the sins which I have committed by inwardly bragging about my daughter. 
Do I need to explain this one?

For the sins which I have committed by being in denial about some of my health issues. 
I have to put myself back on track.

For the sins which I have committed by judging other mothers harshly.
This one I want to stop. We are getting through this thing called life the best that we can. I have to stop thinking "What is that mother doing to that child?" I have to stop. People are thinking it about me and I hate it. I'm doing the best I can. So are they.

For the sins which I have committed by not giving people the benefit of the doubt.
"Could you tell me some of the costs involved in adopting your daughter?" Someone at my daughter's daycare asked me. I opened my mouth to blast her with both barrels. Why on earth is it her business. Then I saw her eyes. The hunger. She wanted to be a mother as badly as I had.  What if I had said something bad? I have started to ask "Why do you ask?" instead of hitting them and found wonderful conversations.

For the sins which I have committed by making every tear my daughter sheds somehow related to her time in the orphanage or her adoption. 
Sometimes she is crying because it is bedtime and she wants to stay up later. Sometimes she is crying because I said she couldn't have another cookie.

For the sins which I have committed by treating my husband as my coparent instead of my partner, lover and best friend. 

For the sins which I have gotten impatient with my siblings and dad. 
We're all trying to figure out how to go on in a world where mom isn't. I should cut them some more slack because they are hurting too.

For the sins which I have committed by trying to do too much. 

For the sins I have committed by not doing enough. 

For all these sins oh Lord, Forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement. 

I wish a happy healthy new year for all.

Things I want to work on for next season

Damn.
Sorry about the blog hiatus.

Back to school + needy child + Back to school teacher hubby + High Holy Days = blog hiatus.

Anyway I'm back.

I don't do new year's resolutions.  Or at least, not on January first.

I do them around this time of year. The High Holidays.

I'm a submarine jew and this is one of the times I surface.

I spent Monday in temple. I spent Tuesday in thought and quiet prayer. And playing with the child I prayed so long for.

What do I want to change next year?

Well, with my career...

• I don't know where my career is and where it is going. I want to change that. I have a contract position, but I don't know what happens when it ends. 
• I want to blog more. 
• I want to finish the last revision (I swear it--until I get an editor anyway) and send my novel to an agent. 

With my friends...

• I want to start seeing friends instead of texting them and messaging them where practicable. In this past year I met a lot of people I only "knew" online. I enjoyed it. I want to keep doing this. 
• Barring that I will use my cell phone the way Jobs intended--as a freaking phone where I can hear a friend's voice, and not just imagine it via text.  
• I will also go out of my way to start meeting some of the parents of the children I hear my daughter mention often. Okay maybe not the one who tried to push her down the slide, but the one she plays with every day. 

With my family...

• I will try to remember how damn lucky I am to have the family that I have. 
• I will try to be more patient with my daughter. That doesn't mean giving in to her every desire, but allowing her to bitch and moan when I don't. 
• I will find a babysitter (two hopefully) that I trust as much as I trust the daycare teachers. D and I need to get out alone now and again. 

With myself...

• I will listen to the doctors regarding my blood sugar and getting it down. 
• I will have a mammogram in the next month. 
• I will try to exercise more--maybe playing tag or ball with my daughter more. 
• I will learn to ask for help--ideally before I break down screaming that no one will help me. 

To all--I wish peace, love, health and joy in the coming year.  

First Impressions

Jewels of Elul, a way that helps you think about the past year had an article about first impression.  Here it is, go read it. 

My first impressions are usually so far off, that unless I get one that makes me think I am in immediate danger, I have started to ignore them. The biggest case for this is when I met my sister. 

I was a freshman in college. Still trying to figure where I fit in. I basically followed my roommate around like a puppy. I liked her--then. The fact that she asked how I hid my horns or if I filed them down in all seriousness seemed funny to me. She was an Asian woman from Iowa, and had never seen a Jew before. I followed her to the taking of a picture of the whole freshman class. I met two guys--one of which would become my husband. Later that week, the upperclassmen came back. 

Our next door neighbors were happy sophomores. One small and thin as a rail. One large and beautiful. Built like a female linebacker with a thick southern accent--she scared me. My roommate blew her off--not interested. I followed her again as we were both rushing the sororities. 

I don't know what the sororities were looking for that year in 1989. I just know I didn't have it. 

Thank God. 

My roommate got a bid and ran off to join her new "sisters". Most of the people who I hung out with at that point got bids and I was alone in our room on a Friday night. 

I sat on my bed and cried and cried. I heard the people next door come in--laughing and having fun. Then I heard their stereo go on playing Billy Joel's You're Only Human.  It was just the song I wanted to hear. Then I heard one of my favorite songs in life--Sometimes A Fantasy. I got off of my bed and opened the door to make it louder. It still wasn't loud enough. I debated for about five minutes whether or not to knock on the door of my next door neighbor's. 

I won't bother them, I thought. I'll just knock and ask them to turn the music up. 

I knocked on the door. 

The thin one opened the door. There were three people in a circle on the floor with poker chips. A short and attractive guy with dark hair, dark eyes, and an amazing Austrailian accent. A tall blonde guy with a comforting and familiar New York accent. And her. 

She was lying face down on the floor, propped up on her elbows. She (and several others) were wearing an APhiO T-shirt. She smiled up at me. It welcomed me in. 

I walked in and said that I liked Billy Joel and could they turn it up. I was invited to stay. 

"I don't know how to play poker," I said.  Everyone cheered. People moved over and I was welcomed. I was introduced around the room. I shook hands all around, but when I touched this woman's hand I swear I felt a jolt. 

Years later, we discussed it and she said she had felt one too.

"It said, 'Oh, There you are.'"

I don't remember much of that evening. I remember laughing like I hadn't laughed before. I remember winning and losing many hands of poker. I remember talking about where I had come from. I remember understanding, soul deep understanding, from a stranger--no--a old friend who I had just met.

I remember the woman knocking on my door the next morning to see if I wanted to go with her to breakfast. That was it. From that day to this one I have my person. She's the one who shoved me to go out with D. I introduced her to her husband. She is my daughter's godmother and the mother of my goddaughter. 

She is my sister. 

My first impressions were dismissive--and how wrong they were. 

Playing cute

We're visiting my in-laws.  Lotus gets weird when she stays away from home. She handles it.

We had a looooooooooong drive to my in-laws. When we got here Lotus was manic.  She ran around and we expected this.

We didn't expect her to play cute.

When we met Lotus, at that hotel in China, she was adorable. She giggled, she smiled. We had expected a child totally shut down and we were thrilled that she seemed so happy. It took us three days to realize that she wasn't happy with us-she had gone into survival mode. She had learned in her 54 weeks at the orphanage that the best way to survive is play cute with new people. It probably got her more food, more attention. When I am honest with myself I realize that this survival instinct was probably good.

Two days after we met her we visited the SWI (orphanage) so she could say goodbye.  Her second favorite nanny pressed her into my arms and introduced me formally to Lotus and called me Mama. The wonderful woman called D Baba (Daddy) Then she hugged and kissed Lotus again and turned away quickly so Lotus wouldn't see that she was crying.

Notice I say her second-favorite nanny. Her favorite one, the one that was in many pictures with her and you could see the love there, she couldn't come. They knew we would be coming and she just could not say goodbye again. When I pray I always think of her and ask Gd to somehow let her know we are thinking of her and thanking her every single day.

When our little family left the SWI Lotus looked at me and said Mama. She looked at D and said Baba. We went back to the hotel and my heart was so filled. We walked into our room and something clicked with Lotus and she started to cry. She started to scream and she didn't stop for forty-five minutes. The only reason she did stop, I believe, is that her body just gave out and she fell asleep. We all fell asleep.

When we woke up we met Lotus. The real one. She cried some more and I held her and sang to her. D held her and danced with her. We played marathon games of peekaboo. During one of those, she smiled. A real smile. A smile so different from the first one we saw that I realized the first one was her smile for the cameras.  This was Lotus. This was her smile.

I adore that smile.

I noticed she played cute when she met new people. Careful of attachment we wouldn't let anyone else but us feed her or change her, but she soon found her way with the family.

It's been over two years since we brought her home. I hadn't seen her playing cute in a while but today it brought it all back to me.  Tonight when we did our going-to-bed songs I added a few old ones. After I sang her goodnight song she put her hand on my chin and smiled--her real smile. I hugged her and rocked her to sleep.

I don't now how secure she'll feel in the morning. I explained the playing cute with my in-laws and they tried to understand. I hope I didn't hurt their feelings because her poor grandpa said "but she likes us."  She does like them, she loves them (more him) very much and I said this.  But she was feeling uncertain and I want to make sure she feels certain and comfortable. I think my Mother-in-law got it a little more, but who knows.

Adoption is not unicorn rainbow farts. There is hard stuff. Emotional stuff.

If we can get a real smile by the end of the day, we're pretty damn lucky.

Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

So I have a new job.

I'm settling in.

It's a contract position, which is what we used to call a temp position. What happens though is that after six months if I want a job in the company I can start looking.

I want a job in the company. I want a job in my department as they are filled with really nice people.  Or at least that is how it seems so far. But that's not what this is about.

Today I got a call from my liaison at the temp agency. I swear when I realized it was her, I thought that I was going to be let go. I had a minor freak out.

It was a "just to see how things are going" call.
All is fine.
I freaked out for nothing.

It occurred to me that as she gets older, this is what my daughter will be feeling on a regular basis. She already gives us these amazing hugs saying "You Came Back!"  I hate like hell that she worries about this.

I mentioned this to my husband, who is also adopted. He says that yes, no matter what, there's this little wonder if you really get to stay with these parents.

I thought of the Princess Bride-- and the above quote.

I don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to make it better and I want to make it better. All I can do is try to be there for her and give her lots of hugs and make her laugh a lot.

And let her know that I love her. And let her know when she wants me to be there--I only have one answer. "As you wish."

Microblog Mondays: Do you know how to be a neighbor?

In most every bible class you learn the sayings.

Love thy neighbor as yourself.

That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor.

My question is, does anyone, in this day and age know how to be a good neighbor?
Where can we learn that.

I'm writing about the incident where a neighbor called CPS because an 11 year old boy played in his own yard for an hour and a half.

Here is my question--if you're really that concerned about the child, why not invite the child into your home? Worried he doesn't have enough food or water--give him a snack or something to drink?

Be a good neighbor.

If you don't know how--go to PBS and watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood with a toddler. Then you'll learn.

Microblog Mondays--Strawberries

We went strawberry picking yesterday.

We didn't pick that much--or as much as we could but we still picked a lot.

Lotus LOVES strawberries. I really didn't know this, nor do I know who introduced them to her. I discovered it when we got a strawberry cheesecake and she just wanted the strawberries and didn't care for the cheesecake.

In this she is like my father. So much so you could be forgiven for thinking there is a genetic connection.

But there isn't.

There is so much that she likes that is similar to what we like with Lotus it astounds us. Some of it is the fact that both she and D are adopted. Mostly though, those people in the rooms in China--they know their stuff.

Now I have to figure out what to do with all the strawberries.

So sorry I dinged your car

Once I read an article in the the New York Times said that the worst drivers in Manhattan had one of three things.

1. They had New Jersey license plates
2. They were SUVs
3. They were SUVs with New Jersey license plates

Today when I got home from my job, I got off the train and went to the parking lot. 

There, next to my car, was an SUV with New Jersey license plates. As I live in New Jersey, I wasn't too surprised, but what really pissed me off is that the SUV was parked so close to my car that I couldn't open my car door. 

I had to climb in the passenger side and jump over the hump in the middle.  Not fun.

I considered leaving a note telling the driver that I was so sorry that I dinged your car, but since you parked so close to my car I'm not sorry enough to leave my name. I enjoyed the thought of the driver trying to find where I dinged the car--when I didn't. 

I didn't do it--but that helped me get through the drive home without hating humanity--well, at least until I got out of the parking lot into the New Jersey traffic--but that's another story.