Microblog Monday - What's been happening

So here is some of the stuff that's been happening.

1) We went on the first full family road trip vacation with my little family of three, my father, and my siblings and their families that we have done since my siblings and I were in the back seat of the station wagon.
"He touched me!!!"
"Stop hitting yourself!"

It was fun.
It was "interesting."

My sibs and I have different travel styles. Mine is somewhere between plan everything--even your bathroom trips and let's just wander and see what comes. It was...interesting.


2) My uncle passed away.
Since I wrote about how he was dying in January--I have to say that this has been incredible that he held out for so long. He was 96. How could I expect him to live more.

I know this. And I am grieving. Grieving for my aunt who is alone. Grieving because I'll never hear a piece of classical music and not think of him. It hurts.

3) D and I are getting better.

I wouldn't classify us as fixed, but we are touching each other. We are talking and not yelling. We are sending Lotus out to watch TV and talking out our differences instead of yelling or freezing each other out. There is ground to recover but I am smiling more. I am reaching out to touch him more.

And more to come.

Looking for my religion with a flashlight

I've been contemplating joining a temple.
I've been contemplating never joining a temple again.

I've been contemplating becoming more religious--more frum.
I've been contemplating leaving Judaism.

As you might have figured out I am conflicted about my religion. I should note that I am not conflicted about the existence of Gd. I have had enough proof to satisfy myself. Anyone who reads this who hasn't had that proof and doesn't believe in Gd--good on you! I don't have to disclose my proof--you don't have to disclose your doubts.

My religion--Conservative/Reform Judaism--that's another story. It fills me with conflicting emotions. I was raised in a Kosher home. I attended Hebrew School. I believed. I still do. Being Jewish is the way I worship. I feel clean on Yom Kippur. Lighting candles on Friday night comforts something in my soul. Going to services and saying the Mourners Kaddish for my mother is responsible for some of my healing. I know it is.

So why not join a temple?

Because when I needed them the most, I was abandoned by my religion and it made me feel abandoned by Gd.

Yes, I'm talking about Infertility.

In most religious ceremonies, Jewish ceremonies included, a lot revolves around the children. So what happens when you don't have children? Are you welcome? Well--kind of. You're welcome for the children that you might someday have.

Yes, when I was looking for temples, I was told by one that I should come back when I had children.
When I was trying to find a place to pray for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur I was told about one temple that had free services for young families. I said that I didn't have children. I was told that I could come too--like an afterthought.

When I attended services at my parents temple, on Rosh Hashanah, the new rabbi's sermon was about how women ran to the doctor too quickly to try to get pregnant. They should...wait for it...relax. I should mention that this rabbi was the father of six!

I went to services on Purim one year and I was asked where my kids were. I responded that if I was very lucky they'd be here in nine months. The person was insulted that I said that.

I had attended a new shul (new for me near our new house) and the Rabbi said I could come on Yom Kippur. She told me that she would leave word that I could go in. She forgot. I didn't have a ticket, my name wasn't on a list, and I was turned away from a shul on the holiest day of the year. Because my husband loves me, he got in the car and drove me to where I have been going for the past seven years. If I had not gone back to a shul that Yom Kippur--I would never have gone back again. My husband loves me and understand that being Jewish is as much a part of me as blue eyes. He didn't want me to lose that part of myself.

By the way--as a reminder--my husband isn't Jewish. A lot of these places he is made to feel like persona non grata because he married into the faith instead of being born into it. Many temples say he may be a "full member" except for religious attributes. That means they want him to pay a full membership, but not be a full member.

I want to raise Lotus to see the beauty in Sabbath Candlelights. I want her to feel like she personally was escorted out of Egypt on Passover. I want her to be Bat Mitzvah. I don't want her to be the only Asian in the congregation. I don't want her to be the only person of color in the congregation. I don't want her to be teased because she was adopted. Moses was adopted too.

I don't really know how to resolve these issues. I'm curious if others have ideas and how they have resolved them as well. Until then I will go one place to say Mourner's Kaddish. Bring Lotus to another for Tot Shabbat, and travel nearly an hour for the High Holidays. I'll do this until I find somewhere I fit in, or until I find somewhere that fits me.

Side By Side--USY

In the corner of the Internet that deals with Conservative Judaism there's been a little bit of a commotion. It seems that the youth group, USY (United Synagogue Youth) has changed its rules. It used to be that the leadership couldn't date someone who wasn't Jewish. (aka interdating), Now they are allowed to.

That's it.

If you had pulled a pin out of a grenade you might have had a smaller explosion. The outcry from conservative adults who are upset that their childhood club was, to me, astounding. "Why I Am No Longer A Conservative Jew" read one blog. "Another Nail in the Coffin for Conservative Judaism" read another.

Sigh.

I loved USY. It was where I went to hang out with my friends. The fact that it answered a lot of questions about Judaism that hebrew school didn't was just icing.

I went away to college. I met a wonderful man. I married him.
No, he wasn't and isn't Jewish.

This has nothing to do with USY. This has nothing to do with how I was raised. Well--actually maybe it did. Every day, I watched a kind, remarkable, genuinely good man be wonderful to his intelligent, remarkable, wife. My parents. I wanted a marriage like that. Do I have a marriage like that? Well, they missed their 65th wedding anniversary by two months--so ask me in another forty years or so. I found a man who treats me well. I found a man who adores me. I found someone who helps me to grow into the person I want to be.

This picture is it for me.

It's simple. It's a Christmas tree and a fully lit Chanukiah (Menorah).

It is my home.
It is my December reality--not a dilemma.

To some it is horrific. Intermarriage where I did not, nor will I ever, ask my husband to convert.

I wonder what those people would say if he asked me to convert to his religion. Would they say that is horrible? How I worship the Devine, how I see myself in the universe is more in line with my Jewish upbringing. I cannot change that. To change that is to change a vital part of me. My husband understands this. To ask him to convert is to change a vital part of him. I understand that.

We are raising my daughter as a Jew. We are raising her to understand and respect the religion in which her father was raised. The kids in USY who changed the rules that the leaders can now date outside Judaism might well have parents who are not Jewish. They are honoring their parents. We would do well to honor the children.