Seesaw

I miss my baby.

Lotus is still fine (thank Gd), and she is tackling the world with her three year old will.

I'm no longer home when she gets home. I'm still at work. I miss the rush of "what we did in school" that she would say when she came through the door. I miss cuddling with her for a half hour watching Team UmiZoomi and listening when she said someone was "not nice."

I like my job. I like the money. I like the fact that the money pays for the dance lessons Lotus adores.

I don't like that I can't go with her and see her excitement.

I'm in the middle of the sadness of the working mother. Lotus is going to be our only child--I'm not getting another shot at this.

I love that D has the summer off and that he can take her and be there for her. I love that they are becoming closer. The last few days Lotus has been back in our bed in the middle of the night, she called out for Daddy to pick her up and get her there. I was happy/sad. Then she grabbed me and held me close.

I love that she is learning that I will come back. I love that the time we spend together is even more special because there isn't as much of it.

But I miss my baby.

The Newness

So, after a little over a year after I was fired from my old one, I started a new job.

It's contract work--temp--but except for one job every job I had has started out temp. I can make myself indispensable. I'm pretty good at it.

It's in a division of publishing and I look forward to calling my old job and putting some feet to the fire--as I know I will have to. So far I'm enjoying it. I like my new co-workers and the commute is far better than my old one.

It has only been two days and we're getting used to the new routine. I'm waking Lotus up early for "school" (Daycare).  So many times over the past year people said that we should have stopped daycare--it would have helped money wise--but I didn't want to stop and start again. It was a good decision, this week would have been hell if she wasn't going to teachers that she knows and loves. It is seldom that I get confirmation that I did something right with Lotus, it was good.

That being said, she's being very whiny. I'm not sure if it is because of the new schedule. Because she's three, or because we just passed our family day. Maybe it's a combination of all of them. She's being very MOMMY clingy too. Which hurts Dave's feelings sometimes.

We're getting to a better place--and yet I've missed mom more in the last two days than I have since I was called that she had died. She loved listening to me rattle on about my new jobs--whatever they might be. She would have marveled that we get free drinks (soft and coffee) all day long and free lunches. She would have asked lots of questions about my new boss and coworkers. She never wants to see me in another bad situation. I miss her.

Things are looking up--I just wish that I could talk to mom without doing that too.

Microblog Mondays

I have a few posts running around in my head. Posts about Mother's Day, Baltimore, and Lotus' third birthday which we just celebrated. But I'm going to wait on them, because my daughter is really mastering the art of swearing. 

As I mentioned earlier, I swear and I don't curb it in front of my child. 

One thing I note about Lotus, she really does tend to think before she speaks. When she hears a new word, or set of them, I believe she lets them roll around in her brain before using it herself.  Or maybe she wanted to crash my car. 

All I know is that I was driving her to daycare singing Trot Ol' Joe with Lotus. The song had just ended and I was waiting to hear what the next song on her internal playlist would be. When she said, 

"Holy Shit, a rainbow!!!"

I looked around and indeed saw a rainbow--and a beautiful one at that. 

Holy Shit indeed. 

Pride of Daycare

I am a New Yorker. I should also state that I am a New York Mets Fan.

Why is this important? Because I speak English and I speak fluent fuck.  Since we got Lotus we have accepted the fact that she will be the child who will tell other children how to curse and what they mean.

As Robin Williams once said,

"Oh what a sweet little boy!"
"Fuckyou!"
"Oh, it's the Williams boy!"

This was always going to be our child, adopted, bio or both.

So when I swore in the car with Lotus in the backseat, I barely noticed how she picked up the word "Asshole."

Yeah, you know where this is going.

I was picking her up at daycare when one of her teachers motioned me over. This is Miss S. She loves Lotus as if she were her own and Lotus adores her. Having "aged out" of her care, Lotus runs to give Miss S. hugs when she sees her. It is wonderful knowing I'm leaving my child with someone who adores her so much.

"Did you hear about what Lotus did yesterday?" She said with a grin.
"No..." I said warily.
"So she was playing with a toy and a little boy walked over to her and grabbed the toy out of her hands." Miss S. said.
"Did she hit him?" I asked.
"Lotus? No. She looked after him, and said, perfectly, 'Asshole!', found another toy, then went back to playing. The lead teacher had to leave the room she was laughing so hard."

I can't say how proud I was. She not only swore correctly, but she used the word appropriately. Now to teach her about when not to swear.