Monday, March 19, 2018

Seeing the future

My grandmother had a gift. Maybe a curse.

She could attend a wedding, engagement party, even watch a couple who were dating and know, know as an undeniable truth that they would not work out.

I remember going to a cousin's wedding. Big fancy wedding. Bride and groom made lovey-dovey faces at each other. When we came home my mom said what a nice wedding it was. I said that it would have been nicer if I thought for even ten minutes that the happy couple would work out. I watched my mother's face pale. It seemed that I said my grandmother's exact words with the exact tone that she had used about this cousin's parents. My grandmother had been proven correct seven years later. My cousin's marriage didn't even last that long.

I haven't always been able to predict it. Some friends split up and I really thought they were going the long haul. But right now, I'm watching my niece start on the road to the wedding and I know, I know, she's going down the road for heartache. Other people have told her and she just doesn't care.

I don't get this.

Her "fiancé" asked her to marry him, with a ring and everything, at the end of 2017. But--she's not allowed to tell anyone on social media. He wanted to wait to tell his family. Then he wanted to wait to tell someone else. It's March now, and she's still not allowed to tell people on social media. This means most of her friends don't know.

When her father got engaged, I remember that he was so proud and happy that he stopped the mailman and pointed out my soon to be sister in law.  "Isn't she beautiful! She's the most amazing woman inside and out and she is marrying me!" They've been married over 30 years. Not without bumps,  but still.

My niece has been dating this guy for a while. about six years or so. They broke up when she wanted to become engaged and he didn't. Then he charmed and wheedled and she took him back and she told him that if she didn't have a ring by the time 2018 came she'd be gone. So he got her a ring and forbid her to tell anyone about it.

When it comes to wedding planning he refuses to get married near where her parents live and where she wants to be married. There is an elderly aunt who can't travel and my niece wants her there, but he refuses so that's it.

He insists that she must formally convert to Judaism. Her father is Jewish, her mother is not. She was raised Jewish. She teaches Hebrew School. But it isn't Jewish enough and he belittles her hard-won Jewish knowledge. Their relationship is filled with his micro-agressions towards her.

Yet when anyone tells her that this is not the way a loving man treats his bride-to-be, she dismisses it. She loves him. She wants him.

So I wait with my heart hurting. I know that at some point she will see him for what he is. Maybe he'll change, but I'm not holding my breath. I wish so much that she could see him the way we do. I wish that she would stand her ground. She's a strong woman.  Or she was.

But her biological clock is ticking. She's worried she'll have problems getting pregnant. She wants to be a mother and she thinks that this guy is the only way that can happen. I worry that if she has problems getting pregnant he will blame her and come down on her. I worry.

I wonder if she really doesn't see it, or if she's using her heart to override her head. Has anyone ever dealt with this kind of thing--if so what did you do?


4 comments:

  1. I can't get over the fact that she's not Anything enough for him. That's SO settling for someone who doesn't really accept you.

    So this leaves you with a conundrum. Do you advise with the objective view you can see things with? Or do you let her make her own decisions and figure things out her way?

    I don't really see a clear answer. Maybe just abide with her about her fears and let you know you're alongside her no matter what.

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  2. Oh no. I've seen overly controlling relationships, and they never work out happily. I have talked to a friend who was manipulated enormously by her ex-husband. I asked her carefully why her wishes weren't as important as his? She couldn't answer. And she wouldn't have appreciated me telling her what I saw. It was only much later that she realised how blind she had been, and then she was mortified, embarrassed, ashamed. It was tough on the kids too. So why would you want to bring children into an already difficult relationship? That's what I don't understand.

    This is a really tough situation. I like Lori's suggestion in her last sentence. Let her know you're always there for her, so that if she wants or (heaven forbid) needs to get out, that she knows she can call on you.

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  3. Many years ago, my best friend at the time was in a really one-sided relationship. The guy took advantage of her, and never reciprocated the affection or the love in any way. My friend was lonely and didn’t want to be alone, and so she let him treat her that way. I hated watching this happen to her, and I was very vocal about how I felt when she would tell me stories...it was always just one thing after another. This guy was using her for money, for a place to stay, for everything. He would ask to borrow money so he could buy her a birthday gift! Just a real crappy guy. Cheated on her over and over, he already had one kid, and ended up getting someone else pregnant while they were together. Anyway, what ended up happening was that the more I voiced my opinion (and even trying to say it in a way that conveyed I thought she was worth way more than this guy was treating her as, and how I thought she deserved better) she just ended up telling me less and less. She had to figure out for herself that she was worth more and decide when she was done with that situation. The only thing I could do was support and love her. I suspect this is the case with your niece, as well, in that she probably won’t take anything you have to say well and will likely go on the defensive about this guy. She might even get upset with you. You can only abide with her and be there for when it all inevitably goes wrong.

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  4. I was your niece. No one was crazy about my ex-husband, even less so the longer we were together. I did everything for him, poured all I had into our relationship. I loved him with every fiber of my being. But, he was selfish and narcissistic and hurt me very badly (emotionally, not physically). It wasn't until well after he walked out (and I was still letting him come around and still helping him) that I realized how he was always this way, I just never saw it because I let love cloud my vision. I just wanted to love the version of him that I saw, that I created in my mind and I wasn't open to seeing him for who he really was, it didn't matter who tried to tell me about him. As the previous commenters mentioned, trying to get her to see what you see right now probably won't work at best, and could back-fire and damage the relationship at worst. When my mom would tell me things about my ex, it would make me defensive, like I had to stick up for him more, love him harder. I'm glad we are no longer together. I'm glad we didn't have a child together, thus forcing him to still be in my life. Sadly, this lesson was something I had to learn the hard way. Being there to pick up the pieces will be very important for your niece, it's such a heart-break. I wish her and you the best.

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