What we leave behind

I had a very nice birthday.

I spent some time alone with D while Lotus was at daycare.

I read a good book.

We had dinner at Benihana with a coupon and while it took us a while to get the check (seriously over 20 minutes!) we had a great time.

The cake Lotus and D made for me was amazing. Seriously delicious and I have been eating way too much of it.

And while I felt mom's absence--I felt her presence too.

I felt it when Lotus sang me a magnificently off-key happy birthday song.
I felt it when I ate my birthday cake--as this is her recipe.
I felt it when I allowed myself to be happy--and when I allowed myself to grieve a little bit.

Mom and I seldom talked about what would happen if the treatments didn't work--except one time.
That day I went with her to chemo and we talked about a lot. I said how I remembered when a family member lost her mother and how the grief took over. Mom gave me that look and her tone was severe--harsh even. I remember her next words as if she branded them on my brain.

"Don't you dare mourn me like that. Don't. You. Dare. You are not honoring me. You are not honoring my memory. Mourn--okay. Say Kaddish. Cry. That's fine. Then you dry your eyes and you hug that little girl that you waited so long to hold. You tell her about me. You tell her what you learned from me. You show her. You don't come to the grave with me, you turn around and let me go."

She might have said more but the doctor came in with the chemo and then we talked about other things.

Yesterday I ate mom's birthday cake. The one she taught me how to make--and I taught D. He baked it with Lotus.

Yesterday I went to the mirror and I smiled--and I saw my mom's lousy teeth in my head--and my smile is a mix of her smile and dad's.

Yesterday I mourned, I cried.  I laughed too. I sang. I smiled. I ate.

I think mom would have been proud.

Mom's teeth

I'm having teeth problems.

I have lousy teeth. I have had more root canals than most people and well, lousy teeth.

I found out that one of my crowned teeth needs to come out. I'm not happy about it.

The dentist recommends an implant after the tooth is removed. Basically if I try to put something else in, I will have to root canal and crown two teeth that aren't that way already.

And it stinks.

I find though, what I miss most is calling my mom after dentist appointments. I'd always fuss at her that of all the things she gave me she had to throw in her lousy teeth.

So I cried about that.

Now I'm thinking of things I specifically got from my mom.

Fearlessness about recipes.
I will always try a new recipe. Most of the time they come out okay. Sometimes they come out great. Sometimes they suck but we tried lots of new recipes from mom.

Love of entertaining.
I LOVE cooking for people. I love hosting the big dinners. I'm having 16 people for passover in a few weeks and I love it. In spite of the drama I liked hosting Thanksgiving. Mom loved to have my friends over for parties. I hope when Lotus gets older that ours is the home where the kids hang out.

Love of reading
I have no memory of not knowing how to read. I was around Lotus' age when I learned. I do remember reading Tales of a Forth Grade Nothing and getting lost in the book. I remember thinking --oh, that's why why mom is always reading.

In a few weeks it will be a year that we lost her. It doesn't hurt like it did. But there are days I just want to rest my head on mom's shoulder and be with her.  And today to complain about my teeth.