4 Things to do BEFORE that Outing With Your Children

My first paying job after college (I had an internship prior) was a worker in a children's museum. I have often thought that some of my infertility had the groundwork in this work. Why, you wonder?  Simple. Often when I went home from my job I thought that I never wanted to see another child--not my adorable nieces, not a child of my own.

The museum was a great place for kids. There was a supermarket where they could "shop" and ring things up.  There was a "castle" where the kids could fight with sword and shield. There was a fire engine where the kids could climb all over, and fall off of it as well. There was a bouncy room. It was a great place.

I noticed though that the parents--were not all that great. They were so distracted--and this was before the invention of the smartphone. I didn't understand why some basic things were not done or discussed before hand.

Now that I am a parent, I realize the distraction is just a desire to think while the child is happily occupied. I also realize that you don't know what can or might happen at one of these places--so here are a few tips.

1) Put things back where they belong--even if the kids who came before didn't do the same. This is a version of the golden rule.  I'm not saying that you have to make the area sparkling--but if you came to the "supermarket" and everything was at the registers--don't say "It's the museum's job." and not do anything. It is busy and the people who work there can't be everywhere at once. Did you like seeing all the stuff at the registers? No? Then put it where it belongs and then your child can play with it.  Then after your child is done--have the child put things back.

2) Waiting has a place in any adventure.
 A lot of my parenting choices has to do with what I saw my brother and sister-in-law do. They are excellent parents. One of the most brilliant things my brother came up with was "The DisneyWorld Test". Once my nieces were old enough to ask to go to Disney, they had to pass the test. It consisted of standing in one spot for a minute without complaint. Then after one minute--they took one step forward and then had to stand in the new spot for one minute without complaint. This went on for 25-30 minutes. If they complained, they failed the test and could not take it again for a month. They were allowed to fidget, sing, and talk to dad. They were not allowed to whine. Once they passed the test, (at age 7 for my oldest niece, 8 for the younger) they went to Disney and had a great time. Anytime they saw a kid having a tantrum they wondered--how did that kid ever pass the test? Kids need to wait and take turns. It is not easy and I think for kids on the spectrum the fast passes are a godsend. But chances are they will need to wait sometime at the park--and this is a great way to teach it.

3) "NOT MY DADDY!!"
The scariest day at the museum--bar none--was when we heard this cry. There was a birthday party going on for a couple with two kids. The parents were distracted. The kids were distracted. A man--a cousin to the family--took the younger child, a little boy of about four years old, in his arms and was leaving the museum. The kid was screaming his lungs out. None of the workers there gave it a second's blink. Kids were always screaming when it was time to go. It was what the child was screaming that drove everyone into action. The child was screaming "THIS IS NOT MY DADDY!!!" The man at the front locked the front doors--and sent others around to secure the back. Someone tackled the man in question and brought the child back to his incredibly spooked parents--who hadn't noticed anything yet.  The police were called and I don't really know what happened after they took the cousin away. The parents were very glad they had taught their child this part of stranger danger, and it saved the family from disaster.

4) Make sure your child knows your names--not just Mommy and Daddy.
When kids got separated from their parents they were told to find people with red aprons--us.  We asked them what their mommy's names were. More often we got a look from the child as if we were the stupidest being on the planet.
"Mommy!" was invariably the answer.
Then we asked, "What does Daddy call Mommy." (Please note that this was the early '90's. Everything was hetero. Heather Has Two Mommies hadn't even been published yet.)
This usually got us a decent response and we could go to the PA system and call for the mommy in question. On one memorable occasion a little boy of about three was lost. We had asked his mommy's name and had gotten the "Mommy!" answer.
"What does Daddy call Mommy?"
The little boy thought about it for a moment and then smiled.
"Yo, Bitch!" was the enthusiastic response. The little crowd around the child collapsed in laughter, except for a few who were trying to figure out how to get the kid's mom on the PA system. The mother in question came to the front and after the enthusiastic reunion, we told her why we were all chuckling. She was horrified but then started to laugh. "It was one time--and he was joking!" It astonishes me that that child has probably graduated from college--and I'll bet it is still a big family story.

Learning to speak Lotus (part 1)

The word "asshole" aside, as Lotus begins to talk she is making sure we understand her. However her phrases and words are not exactly the same as the rest of the world and I wanted to do a small Lotus dictionary here.

Lotus:  I Do!
Normal people: I'll do that.

Lotus: Twinkle Little Little Star--as the title of the song
Normal people: Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Lotus: Howzat?
Normal people: What is this?

Lotus: Slipperly
Normal people: Slippery

She is also learning the power of the word "Please." Today for the first time she combined it with doe eyes. Thank heaven she only wanted to watch another episode of Team Umizoomi. If she had asked for a car my response would likely have been "Foreign or domestic, sweetie?"

NiHao Kai-Lan, thanks for the window.

One thing about parenting that came as a surprise to me was the changes in children's shows. I grew up on Sesame Street and the Electric Company. I grew up without DVRs and VCRs showed up late into my pre-teen years. We did not have entire channels dedicated to children's programming.

This change is not a bad one I thought. I can park her in front of the TV like I was parked.

Well, except that there ware some kids shows that she doesn't like. There are some kids shows that I would prefer the tantrum than let her watch. Some though, after repeating and repeating and repeating, you would rather stick a fork in your skull than listen to it again.

Lately, Lotus likes to climb up on mine or D's lap and watch. We will often look at our iPad or computer but sometimes she says "Watch with me." and we do.

So her favorite show is NiHao Kai Lan. This has often been billed as "The Chinese Dora The Explorer" and while it is accurate, Kai Lan concentrates on emotions. You'll often hear her ask "Does Ho Ho look happy or sad?" Not a bad thing. I've found myself singing the songs to her. Like "Even when you're mad/hitting's always bad. Use your words." and it helps.

When we first brought Lotus home she adored Kai Lan. I imagine hearing the Mandarin made her feel at home. One deviation was when Kai Lan counted. I noticed it once, but didn't really think anything of it.

Another episode and Kai Lan counted to three and Lotus stiffened and looked around. The look in her eyes was terrified. She looked at me and held out her arms and I ran to pick her up. She was almost shaking. The look on her face was "What did I do?" Then I realized that Kai Lan had opened a window into her past.

We do it. Most people who work with kids do it. "If you don't do [blank] by the time I count to three you're in trouble." They must have done it at the SWI (orphanage).  Lotus heard the numbers and wondered what she did wrong. Once I understood I hugged her and told her what a good girl she was. How much she understood at the time I don't know but she calmed down.

I don't know what happened when the nannies reached three--which probably signaled (as it does with us) the end of patience. I hate the fear that was in Lotus' eyes when she heard it.

She seems fine with it now--with one exception. As Lotus' language has expanded she has added some of the Mandarin spoken on Kai Lan to her everyday vocabulary. Tuo-xie instead of the word slippers.

However when she counts--she counts in English, occasionally Spanish (Thank You Dora), but NEVER in Mandarin.

#Microblog Monday--For my husband, my dearest love

A while ago there was a brouhaha on the internet because someone said she loved her husband more than she loved her child. I remember going to the post in question and she said that if they were both drowning, she would save her husband first.

I told this to my beloved D and he said of course. "You'd save me, and then together we'd save Lotus." 

That ended it. 

To say that I have been--a challenge--to live with the last few weeks would be the king of understatement. As my unemployment has run out I'm panicking about money--though we have a cushion. I'm feeling low--though I have been considering becoming a stay at home mom. I'm a jittery mess. 

Yesterday I went insane trying to figure out what to do for dinner. I huffed at D. Yelled. Slept. Cuddled Lotus who was in a big "let's throw things at people" mood. I cried a lot. 

Through it all, my husband hugged me, calmed me down and let me lean upon his amazing shoulders. He makes it clear that he doesn't care what I do, as long as I do what I want. I have screwed up a lot of things in my life. I feel bad about a lot of things in my life--but I am so, so, very lucky that I took this man's hand under a wedding canopy and promised my life to him. I'm so very grateful he promised his life to me as well. 

I watch the Oscars

I always have watched the Oscars.

I adore Neil Patrick Harris and I think he's doing a great job.

Bravo also to Lady Gaga and Julie Andrews--my favorite Oscar moment of the evening.

That being said, I am angry and annoyed that it is the whitest, male Oscars.

Sigh.

I don't know if I was more racist before we made the commitment to adopt an Asian child, but I know now that I can't go back to not noticing that Hollywood movies have gotten more white and TV has gotten more diverse. Maybe that's why TV is in a new golden age and movies--aren't.

I watch cartoons with my daughter and I marvel that Doc McStuffins is there. I see Sophia the first has a black friend and an asian friend. After Daniel Tiger went to the Dr's office, they had a real life little girl going to the doctor's office. She was asian and her father was caucasian. This was not lost on Lotus who said "Hey, that's like me!"

I hope Hollywood will remember that the world is changing and growing outward from the whiteness.  If they don't--well then the box office receipts will keep going down as I watch the amazing stories on TV.

Pride of Daycare

I am a New Yorker. I should also state that I am a New York Mets Fan.

Why is this important? Because I speak English and I speak fluent fuck.  Since we got Lotus we have accepted the fact that she will be the child who will tell other children how to curse and what they mean.

As Robin Williams once said,

"Oh what a sweet little boy!"
"Fuckyou!"
"Oh, it's the Williams boy!"

This was always going to be our child, adopted, bio or both.

So when I swore in the car with Lotus in the backseat, I barely noticed how she picked up the word "Asshole."

Yeah, you know where this is going.

I was picking her up at daycare when one of her teachers motioned me over. This is Miss S. She loves Lotus as if she were her own and Lotus adores her. Having "aged out" of her care, Lotus runs to give Miss S. hugs when she sees her. It is wonderful knowing I'm leaving my child with someone who adores her so much.

"Did you hear about what Lotus did yesterday?" She said with a grin.
"No..." I said warily.
"So she was playing with a toy and a little boy walked over to her and grabbed the toy out of her hands." Miss S. said.
"Did she hit him?" I asked.
"Lotus? No. She looked after him, and said, perfectly, 'Asshole!', found another toy, then went back to playing. The lead teacher had to leave the room she was laughing so hard."

I can't say how proud I was. She not only swore correctly, but she used the word appropriately. Now to teach her about when not to swear.

Who I Am Now

Hi,

This is for all the people who might not know me--and are arriving for IComLeavWe.

Who am I anyway?
Am I my resume.
That is a picture of a person I don't know.

I am, the mother of Lotus, the most beautiful child born in China--or anywhere else on the planet. We adopted her a few weeks after her first birthday. She is now nearly three, talking up a storm and refusing to nap with the best of them.

We adopted her after 12 years of infertility hell. This included IVF, IUI, and one miscarriage. That miscarriage happened, coincidentally--or not so coincidentally--on Lotus' birthday. We waited seven years to adopt a non-special-needs child from China. I have no issue with those who didn't choose to wait. I have no issue with those who adopt a special needs child. We are all parents.

I was let go from my job of ten years nearly a year ago.  Am I still bitter? Kinda. I'm trying to find where I fit in career wise and get money. So much of who I am was wrapped up in my career, I am still finding out who I am.

Mostly though lately, I'm a daughter who is grieving the loss of her mother. I didn't know how grief can touch everything. While I am much better than I have been, I still stifle the urge to call her to tell her something that Lotus did.

So, welcome to my blog. Glad to meet you.

More later.